Nobody to talk to

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by Gerald, Jun 24, 2018.

  1. Pat Kane

    Pat Kane New Member

    My husband of 61 years died from cancer on Sep 10, the day after his 84th birthday. He had dementia for about 4 years and I was his caregiver. His illness progressed quickly in his last month and he went into hospice. Everyone feels that his death was a blessing because he was old and suffering. In my mind I know that is true but I still miss his presence. We were everything to each other. I turned to my four grown children for consolation because I thought they would understand. I really didn't understand that they would be grieving in their own way. I am alone most of the time. I try to stay busy during the day but the nights are lonely. My family wants me to stay busy and everything will be fine. They give advice on how to deal with my grief but do not share their time and our jealous of each other. I am realizing that I have to deal with this on my own.
    LindaH and Boze like this.
  2. Pat: Have you looked for a group like "Walking Through Grief" (which we have here in Tasmania, Australia). There are organisations that deal with depression who you can phone 24 hours a day (ck google) and will try and help you find a grief group in your area. Have you checked with the hospital? The hospital my husband was at has a "pastoral staff" who were very helpful to me, even though I am not a church goer.
  3. Boze

    Boze Well-Known Member

    With you in thoughts.
  4. Sciguy

    Sciguy Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about your husband. My parents were also married 61 years when my mother died suddenly in May. I have been caregiver for my father since. I don’t know where you live, but most hospice organizations have some sort of grief program or counseling. Also, try local hospitals and (if you’re so inclined) local religious organizations.
    Boze likes this.
  5. Hi Gerald..my husband passed 4 months ago and his urn and shrine are in my kitchen..id never want to have to file him away..he was a part of my life and history..he died..we didn't " break up "
  6. Chelle51

    Chelle51 New Member

    I can totally relate to what so many of you are saying. I lost my husband in October from ALS at 41, and every day has been a struggle since then. He was the most incredible person I have ever known, and we knew from the first second we met that we were made for each other. Sadly, we only got to spend a very short 7 years together. I'll never understand why the perfect man was brought into my life and then ripped away from me after such a short time, but I am thankful for every moment we had together.

    I totally agree that the quiet days are the hardest. Unfortunately for me, every day is a quiet day since I also lost my job shortly before he passed. It's a lot to handle, but I try my best to keep myself busy because that helps so much. I also don't really have anyone to talk to because no one understands. The holidays with his family were so awkward because everyone just pretended like it was all perfect, and all I wanted to do was cry. Even though they all lost someone, too, it just isn't the same.

    Thankfully, I have my faith which has carried me through so far, but it sure would be nice to have a real person to talk to, as well. Sadness and grief definitely have their place, and it's important to just let yourself feel what you need to feel, but having someone there with you to pull you up from the depths of despair when you get a little carried away with your feelings is so important.
    Patti 61, Saintgrl74 and LindaH like this.
  7. Saintgrl74

    Saintgrl74 Active Member

    I lost my husband suddenly in October at age 47. We were 3 weeks away from our 10th wedding anniversary. I’m stunned at what a short period of time that is. I’m 44 and raising our 8 year old son. This week I just can’t relate to any one. It’s just a hard week.
    LindaH likes this.
  8. Next month it will be two years. I try so hard to keep moving through this, but tonight I just want to be done. I cant see it getting any better, and I'm losing hope that life will be happy again. I try so very hard to find happiness, to help others, to do good, and I still am alone with no one loving me. I'm so very discouraged and tried everything I know to do. When does it change?
  9. Hi Paula, I’m not sure “change” is the right word. It just gets a little easier to deal with. My husband has been gone 3 years now (we were together 50 years). I still think of him every day and still miss him beyond comprehension but am finding the loss doesn’t consume every minute of my day as much. I think keeping busy is key. Don’t allow yourself to get depressed, and be sure reach out to friends or family when you need to. As far as someone loving you, that’s up to you now. You need to love yourself enough to find a way through the darkness every day. I have ONE great friend who I can talk to when I’m feeling down who is always there to listen, be supportive and just let me fall apart. When I’m done she just smiles and say’s “Ok, ready to come back to being the friend I know?” It’s important to have someone to just “be there”. Nothing else, no advice, no judgement, no opinions, just “be there”. Find your someone and talk to that person when you’re feeling low.

    I wish you peace my friend. Happy to just “be there” if you need someone to talk to.
    LindaH likes this.
  10. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Gerald,
    I am very sorry for your loss
    and since I lost my wife of 1 yr
    and 76 days, I think I know just

    what you are going through.

    Please don't mess with liquor.
    I doubt it will make you feel
    better and it will just pickle
    your insides.

    Maybe a support group as some
    hospice teams have them or for
    that matter, funeral parlors.

    I think that maybe making some
    kind of memorial for your wife
    could help, say she loved birds.
    Then maybe a birdbath with
    her favorite flowers around it?
    Patti 61 and LindaH like this.
  11. Ray G.

    Ray G. Well-Known Member

    Hello Gerald,
    I know what ur going thru.
    Although married 1 yr.and
    76 days, to a dainty dearness
    as pneumonia took her from
    me, my ❤ sees only a world
    of cool damp and grey days.

    I would so work on finding
    a support group. Every
    hospital so far as I know has
    social workers that know
    about these issues. Call ur
    Local Hospice some even
    run the grief meetings.
  12. Aljelo

    Aljelo Member

    I get what you are going through. I lost my husband 5 months ago. Everyone seems to have moved on with their lives, but every day is a struggle for me. All my friends were his friends and they don't call. Even my own family seems uncomfortable with my grief and want to cheer me up, which is not what I need. I get so tired of putting on a happy face for everybody. I feel like I'm a constant reminder to his daughter and sisters, so I pull away. As well-meaning as they are, I can't take the platitudes. I feel like if one more person tells me he's in a better place, I'll go off on them. In my opinion, the better place would be here with me. All I can think about now is how my life has changed, how the plans we made will never happen, how he's supposed to be here. All I have to offer now is grief and despair too. This isn't my first loss and I know it will get easier with time, but the loss never goes away. Right now it sucks and I just have to accept that and try not to spiral into deep depression. I came here to just get it out too, because I have no one to talk to. My heart goes out to you and I hope you don't let alcohol take over because then eventually it will take your precious, happy memories of your wife. I don't know what your wife would have wanted for you, but I'm sure it isn't that.
  13. Aljelo

    Aljelo Member

    I've had a lot of loss in my life, but this has been the hardest. My husband died of sudden cardiac arrest 5 months ago. Totally unexpected, no history of heart problems or any obvious symptoms. We were dropping a vehicle off at the garage. He was sweaty and complained that his chest felt tight. We were less than 5 minutes to the hospital, but just as I pulled in he said "I'm blacking out" then slumped toward the side and started breathing weirdly. I pulled up to the ER, ran in and told them I needed help with my husband right now, ran back out and took the seat belt off him. That's when he took his last breath. They got him in immediately but were never able to revive him.

    Today I'm thinking about him even more because it's also 20 years today that I lost my fiance to cardiac arrest. I was devastated. But then I met my husband and we had 17 years together. I had always been anxious about losing him, but I told myself that I was being silly. My fiance had a congenital heart defect. My husband was in good health. I expected us to grow old together. But then he died too and now I'm living this nightmare again...only it's much harder because I can't imagine life without him. Just two weeks before this we were talking about our plans to do some traveling. It still seems so unreal to me, even though I feel his loss every day.
  14. WoodMan

    WoodMan Active Member

    I know exactly where you’re coming from. My wife and I were married for 47 years. She died eight weeks ago today. Alcohol has been the go to and I know it shouldn’t be. The house is so quiet. I turn on the TV and have a drink and it kind of dulls the thoughts.
    I’ve been trying to work some, I’m only part time. I work from noon till 5 PM. It’s just as lonely at work as it is at home. All I want to do is talk to my wife and she’s not there. Sometimes on the way home I even think I’ll just give her a call, but she’s not there.
    I want so badly to talk to her about the things I need to do that normally we would discuss together, but she’s not here.
    My son has been supportive but he works all the time. My stepdaughter lives two hours away and maybe calls once a week. My wife’s sister calls on a regular basis and she is my best support right now. I wish I could tell you something helpful, I wish I could figure out what that would be. Right now it’s just very lonely.
  15. Angierichy1

    Angierichy1 New Member

  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Gerald, just saw your kind reply to Ronpage about his wife's death and yours.
    I'm glad you're still on Grief in Common.
    My wife, Linda, died right before the
    family holiday of Thanksgiving, 2018. She
    was my best ( and only) friend and family.
    We had no children. For a year after her
    sudden death, I drank more, stayed out
    late, became very depressed, and rundown, getting the flu twice. My grief
    counselor suggested I stop drinking, and I
    did, on Nov. 6, 2019. I feel better physically,
    and I'm working on being mentally
    happier. Being with other people, both on
    & off this forum, has helped. Despite your
    pain, you reached out to comfort Ron.
    Thank you. Good to know you. Lou
  17. MaryWott

    MaryWott New Member

    Been there . lost my partner of 15 years in march. its gut wrenching. they cant understand and quite framkly they dont want to . who would? its all encompassing gutteral, visceral pain.
    I hear you. and I'm there too
  18. Deejay212

    Deejay212 Member

    Hi Gerald, I hear your pain and can relate to your loss. Up until I lost the love of my life 6 weeks and 5 days ago, I was one of those unhelpful friends that said all the wrong things when someone suffered a loss. I have since reached out to those and apologised for my ignorance. I honestly was hoping to be helpful to them in their time of grief but realise now in my own grief that I knew nothing. I now have those around me that bring comfort and those who fumble their way through saying all the wrong things. I just bite my tongue and thank them politely knowing that they are doing their best in an awkward situation. I hope you are able to find those special people on here who truly know your suffering. Take care
    DEB321 likes this.
  19. Georgine

    Georgine Well-Known Member

    Hi Gerald,

    I saw your post today. Please know that everyone on this site feels and understands your pain. You are not alone. It is devastating to be without the one love you had in this world. We all know. It is utterly emotionally catastrophic. But you have the comfort of other grieving spouses on this site. You need to take care of yourself. Grieving is hard work. I hope that, in the passage of time that you wrote your post, that you are taking care of yourself. You need to eat well - good food; not junk - and to stay hydrated with non-alcoholic beverages. If you still have your dog, you know that your dog lives for you - as well as any dog or pet you may get in the future. Perhaps exercising the dog at home or at a dog park would be good. You will be amazed at how much you will feel better after this activity. I have 3 dogs and speak from experience.

    Regardless of what others may think or say - if you wish to display as many photos of your wife, you should do that. No one, absolutely no one, has the right to judge you in your grief.

    Please take good care of yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.
    DEB321, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  20. Kathleen021952

    Kathleen021952 New Member

    I feel your pain. Even the most well meaning folks don't understand the depth of the pain and loneliness that we feel. They want us to get past it and move on. I believe they are uncomfortable with this display of grief because they know one day they will face it. No one can ever be prepared for the gutted feeling that invades our being. I want to just scream that this is only a bad dream and not reality. The sun sets and I get a brief respite from the loneliness.
    Jeffry, Rose69 and Countess Joy like this.