Nobody to talk to

After my sister died my mother was thinking in huge sweeps. I think that is the panic phase of losing a child through violence.
But, some one took advantage and talked her out of moving from our house. I can see now it would have been much, much better if we had remodeled mom’s bedroom. But she was in a very deep depression. I was too young to talk her into making smaller changes. I hope you can friendship your bedroom, and stay.

 

lBoze- I dont lnow what you mean when you said : Please explain.


"Linda- I think they call that re-affirming your relationship boundaries. He wasn’t “Mr. Best Friend.” He was YOUR husband."

 

Gerald I know exactly how you are feeling dude I lost my wonderful wife four and a half months ago no I can't eat cannot sleep people say get on with your life take it day by day I don't know what to do I think of ways to be with her I cannot fathom being without her I'm just stupid without her so I know exactly how you feel people don't want to hear me go on and on about her I just hate to think about being stuck inside this winter when I'm out and about during the day I'm fine but I get home and the mind plays interesting things to oneself I hope this site brings you some kind of serenity peace be with you

 

Well, a therapist taught me this; What is normal in family relationships is that you as a family member “own” your relationship with your husband. So what I mean is that sometimes other people think they “own” their relationship with them more than you. If they think that; you might notice it. You might have had moments of slight resentment when they made too many demands for attention on your spouse. If so then subconsciously you knew your appropriate boundaries were not being respected. If he ignored your pain and focused on himself when your husband died this seems more probable than not. After that many years of friendship he should have recognized your primary emotional loss. So naturally you felt resentment. You needed you loss recognized. You didn’t drop a plate in the kitchen; You lost the love of your life.

 

I love when you said "you didn't drop a plate in the kitchen" He was the love of my life.

This situation is just complicated. I was visiting our daughter out of the country and could not make it home for two days after I received phone call of his passing.

He is the one who found my husband when he died.

Part of me thinks he never recovered from that night.

Other part of me remembers how my husband took care of everyone and he would have been there for his wife if the situation was reversed.

 

It seems you experienced real trauma. Not being there, I mean. So you have some PTSD, and guilt. Gosh I’m really sorry.

 

Thanks Bozo.

 

It’s “Boze” as in Bozeman.

 

The man I lost and I lived in Bozeman Montana

 

Sorry for any typos I might make.
At times I forget to proof read.
I have never been to Montana.
One of the few states I have not visited.

Sorry for your loss.

 

I hope you can make it to Teton Village- it might cheer you up. It’s a popular tourist attraction.

 

Sounds nice.

 

Yes, and I think there were times when I was really dealing with grief when a get-away was better than a full move. Right now I feel I should work away my problems. Work heals too.

 

Since you said that Sunday is the worst day for you I thought I would pop in to say ‘hi.’ What do you say after some one says that a loss leaves them empty? That their life feels meaningless? Your life is not meaningless. With or without her try doing something that you did together like take a walk. See a movie. I like Hitchcock movies cuz he was gloomy too, hahahahaha. But he was artistically gloomy. Not just violently gloomy like T.V. A couple of Internet sites like the one that led me to this site have Hitchcock movies for free. I found this site from YouTube posts. I hope you find one thing today to not feel bad about.

 

What the therapist told me, and it makes sense is that your feelings for your husband is not an analogy for his friendship with his best friend. Marriage is much more intimate. But, men almost always feel they are in the drivers seat on their best male friends feelings for his wife.
There are sociopaths who have shared inappropriate things with their best male friends, but I doubt your husband did that. I think your love for him is safe. His bmf was sort of callous about that imo.

 

I am positive that my husband never shared anything inappropriate with anyone about our relationship! imo only a man who had no respect for his wife would do something to that extent.

I was secure in our relationship. I never went to bed questioning his love for me.

 

Gerald, I totally understand where you are coming from. My walls are covered with photos of Jack and I and our dogs etc. I quit going anywhere with people cause I have to find out who I am again since I am no longer Jack and Dianne. You learn to take it one day at a time and place one foot in front of the other. I miss Jack terribly and so wish to go back in time for even a minute just to hear him and see him. I have decided to try some new adventures. Trying them is for me but realistically I know they are for Jack as well deep down. Take Alaska, we always talked about going there and I know if it wasn’t for his bout with lymphoma in 2005-which regardless of what anyone says he beat without doubt and then the 2nd type of cancer in 2011 we would have gone, hell we all but bought property sight unseen up there. Now medically through research I am fully aware one cancer provided a pathway for the 2nd to start. So back to Alaska, I have plans on going in 2020. I have already started to pay for the trip. Once I step on Alaska soil I will head to somewhere where I can release a small part of Jacks ashes. I will let that portion fly so even if not in person he can visit wherever the wind takes him. I do not have the patience to get into any type of relationship with anyone not now or in the future. It is my choice and one I am most happy with. Does it mean I am lonely, probably, some would probably argue it is unhealthy. Too bad. I am still at the point of my missing him that I stay to myself in my room and yes even in my bed. But you know I looked one morning at my dogs and decided that THEY needed some time out so I have been finding dog parks or trails to take them on. You will find that but it is in your time and the places you want. I have been looking for camping gear again so I can go in the spring. I will go without human company and that is my choice. I know longer have the time nor the will to play nice to other people or cater to there wants and needs. Sorry so long but take care of you, cherish the memories and live. You will figure it out.

 

Wolfgirl, I so relate to everything you said.
I wish you luck on your Alaska trip. Love that you are leaving some ashes there.

Taking it one day at a time is the best way to handle this horrible thing called grief. Some days even one hour at a time.

After my husband passed away I had all my favorite pictures of him printed and framed. They remind me of the good days when we traveled and he was happy and pain free. At first I couldn't look at them without crying. Now I can look at them and smile remembering what we did the day the picture was taken.

We have to do things that bring us comfort. No matter what anyone says there is no right or wrong way of grieving.

 

Linda’s I see you are from PA, what part? I was born in Erie and have spent a lot of time over the years in the Allentown/Bethlehem area.

 

I live in a small town near the Greater Pittsburgh area.
Erie is a beautiful place. I was there in July.