No one to share the grief

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by Christi, Jul 13, 2021.

  1. Christi

    Christi New Member

    It's been 18 months and still feels like a bad dream that will change in the light of day. My brother and I grew up in the same town, had our own families and careers but always knew the other was there. Special occasions and holidays, phone calls and texts keep us in touch but he worked out of town so often that it became the norm to not see him for weeks, even a month or 2 at a time. So when he unexpectedly became ill and passed away within a couple of days we were all in shock. Of course going through all of the necessary motions of funeral arrangements and aftercare for his wife and son, along with my grieving parents, I somehow lost myself and my grief.

    Months passed and numbness continued, my own family and career filled my days then covid hit and we found it necessary for me to resign and be at home with our youngest son during the academic season of his online school year. The struggle was enlightening, not just about how different the course of studies were going to be, but it also halted my denial. All of the sudden I realized that my brother wasn't just on a long extended work trip. He wasn't ever coming home. That knowledge impacted me way later than I suppose it should have and my grieving seemed to be far more delayed than even I knew. Needless to say I've been struggling.

    At this point, I feel that there is no one else to share my grief, even within the entire past 18 months no one (except my husband and children) has even asked "how are you doing, I know you must be hurting too?"
    Is that selfish of me? Probably so, and I sincerely don't want to come across that way. Yet sometimes I want to scream in anger, more accurately it's frustration, what about me?!? He was MY BROTHER. Of course, the focus should've been and remains on my parents and his wife and son, but I also want people to know and remember he was a brother too. My only brother, first friend, my lifelong, ride or die friend...and that seems lost.

    Learning to cope and grieve, albeit late has been tough and in small steps but I must because the anger needs to pass! Often I wonder if I'm reacting normally or if I'm selfish for aching for that acknowledgement of losing a sibling. ugh...I wonder lots of things.
    Never will I voice my sadness over that, nor will I ask for support from the others that suffer in grief over losing him too, so I am grateful that this forum exists in order to purge some of the pent up emotions that have no where else to go.

    As with every prayer said in our family, it is mentioned how we all miss him and what a wonderful "son, husband, father, and friend he was "...In my mind I always silently add..."and Brother."
    Heartbroken0705, ad_777 and Aileen7 like this.
  2. SallyD

    SallyD Well-Known Member

    Hi, Christi. I'm sorry no one has responded back to you just yet, so I will. I'm so sorry about your brother....he sounded like a good one, and I know
    something about that, because I lost a good brother, too. It's been over a year for me, too. You have every right to feel bad about your loss....losing
    the person who grew up with you, shared so much with, and tried to have your back as much as possible is a HUGE thing. From all the grief sites
    I've been on, it sounds like how you're feeling is normal. I wouldn't worry about that part....it's just getting through it OK...that's what can be hard.

    From what I'm reading on different sites, a lot of people feel that sibling loss isn't acknowledged as much or taken as seriously as other kinds
    of loss. I feel that way myself sometimes, too. I don't know if you've considered any online (or in-person) grief support groups....I think this
    site offers some (groups for "general" loss...spouse, sibling, etc.) I have participated in a program called Griefshare....it was weird for me,
    because I'm Jewish and it's a church-based way of looking at things....but my people don't offer a lot in this area. A lot of it was helpful to me,
    even so...if you at least believe in God, it can be helpful in a lot of ways. It's a thirteen-week program...many online groups still, I think, and it's
    free except for the price of the workbook, which is about fifteen dollars. They meet once a week (I went, online.) They talk about a chapter
    from the book and video that's assigned....everyone in the videos has lost someone, even the counselors or pastors. That helped. Then the
    group talks about their own experiences, and what they're going through.....anyone can come, no matter who they lost. The people in the
    group I was in were really nice....the moderators have lost people, too. It helps to actually hear other's stories, and to share your own--but
    you aren't even obligated to talk, if you don't want to. The book covers things like anger, guilt, why did this happen.....I still read the book...

    Another group that could be helpful is Grief Anonymous...they also have meetings online (I've only listened in on one--it looked OK.)
    It's free....they have different Facebook pages for different kinds of grief....one is Loss of a Sibling....and there's the general "Family" one,
    too. I'm in both....some real nice people, on those pages, who post and understand. Grief specialist David Kessler also has a Facebook
    page called Grief: Releasing Pain, Remembering Love & Finding Meaning....it's very active; a lot of supportive people posting over there
    all day and night....it's free to sign up...I go there a lot, too, to just learn from others and get some support, too. I go a lot of places
    for grief support, because losing my brother has been SO hard...he was my last immediate relative, and I don't have good health,
    myself, so that makes it harder....I know there are actual grief counselors, too, but these groups might be a good place for you to
    start, in getting the extra support and understanding that you need and DESERVE. My best to you.......Sally D.
  3. MarioKiki

    MarioKiki Member

    Hi Christi - I'm so sorry for your loss. My sister was my best friend, and I lost her suddenly in April. I can relate to you when you say that sibling loss is minimized. Everyone always asks how parents are, of family is handling the loss. I wanted to recommend a book that I read that I found helpful. It's called, "Surviving the Death of a Sibling" by T.J. Wray - this book has many stories of people who have lost a sibling, and ways to cope. I shared it with my brothers after we loss our only sister. Sending you all my love, strength, and I hope you're doing as great as you can. Reminder that you're not alone.
  4. ad_777

    ad_777 Member

    I can relate to you so much. I hope you are doing better.