It's been 18 months and still feels like a bad dream that will change in the light of day. My brother and I grew up in the same town, had our own families and careers but always knew the other was there. Special occasions and holidays, phone calls and texts keep us in touch but he worked out of town so often that it became the norm to not see him for weeks, even a month or 2 at a time. So when he unexpectedly became ill and passed away within a couple of days we were all in shock. Of course going through all of the necessary motions of funeral arrangements and aftercare for his wife and son, along with my grieving parents, I somehow lost myself and my grief. Months passed and numbness continued, my own family and career filled my days then covid hit and we found it necessary for me to resign and be at home with our youngest son during the academic season of his online school year. The struggle was enlightening, not just about how different the course of studies were going to be, but it also halted my denial. All of the sudden I realized that my brother wasn't just on a long extended work trip. He wasn't ever coming home. That knowledge impacted me way later than I suppose it should have and my grieving seemed to be far more delayed than even I knew. Needless to say I've been struggling. At this point, I feel that there is no one else to share my grief, even within the entire past 18 months no one (except my husband and children) has even asked "how are you doing, I know you must be hurting too?" Is that selfish of me? Probably so, and I sincerely don't want to come across that way. Yet sometimes I want to scream in anger, more accurately it's frustration, what about me?!? He was MY BROTHER. Of course, the focus should've been and remains on my parents and his wife and son, but I also want people to know and remember he was a brother too. My only brother, first friend, my lifelong, ride or die friend...and that seems lost. Learning to cope and grieve, albeit late has been tough and in small steps but I must because the anger needs to pass! Often I wonder if I'm reacting normally or if I'm selfish for aching for that acknowledgement of losing a sibling. ugh...I wonder lots of things. Never will I voice my sadness over that, nor will I ask for support from the others that suffer in grief over losing him too, so I am grateful that this forum exists in order to purge some of the pent up emotions that have no where else to go. As with every prayer said in our family, it is mentioned how we all miss him and what a wonderful "son, husband, father, and friend he was "...In my mind I always silently add..."and Brother."