New to the Club......

Hi,

I just found this site and really appreciate the vulnerability and realism of the people here. I'm a bit younger, but losing the beloved is just shattering. I guess I wanted to just say hi and thank you for being supportive in a group where the cost of admission is too high. And add to the list of widows who were married to great guys. I am thankful I got to be his wife; I really am not exaggerating when I say he was an incredible man. My husband died at 40 of colon cancer one year ago. I'm 11 years younger than him and raising our three kids. We were married almost 8 years and had known each other for over 10 years.

Now I am in the season of "Now what?" and trying to figure out how to get everything done and feeling so needy, but embarrassed about feeling (or being) needy at the same time. I know my friends will help if I ask, but the reality is they have moved on, not from me, but from the shock of a young death. But I wake up every day, and he's still dead, and I still have to drag through another day and somehow get to the end. And then do it all over again, day after day. I have always been a capable person, but there is a difference between being capable and being utterly self-sufficient. I am learning this now.

Sometimes I don't feel like crying (usually when with others), and other times the pain is so sharp I can hardly breathe. I miss him, and I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Thanks for reading, and I look forward to getting to know you and gleaning wisdom from the experiences of others.

 

Dear Ruth, happened to wake up, with a
splitting headache , after 4am, my time,
on the northern coast of Massachusetts.
As I always do, I check in with GIC. At
times, there is no one out there. The other
day , there were 3. Early this am, it was
only you. As you say, politely, you are a
"bit younger". I'm old enough to be your
father, but you have an "old soul" . If that
is your photo , your expression is
hauntingly beautiful and sad. I can't
imagine the shock of your husband's death
at such a young
age. I am deeply sorry, Ruth. You've made
the right choice in joining us. I came up
with a term for us: The Grief Warriors
( TGW) , bc we will leave no one behind,
on the battlefield of grief. My wife, Linda,
died suddenly, in front of me, from a
pulmonary embolism. She was 68. We were married 25 years, no children. I
had PTSD , bc I couldn't get that last image
of her, out of my mind. I had to go to a
grief counselor. In the beginning, all I
did was sob in her home/ office. Gradually,
I was able to talk with her about my
extreme bereavement, loneliness, and
survivor's guilt. This was 3 & a half years
ago . My counselor suggested GIC, but I
wasn't ready to join until July, of 2021. I
wish I had joined sooner. I have 3 younger
brother widowers here: Gary, George, and
Chad ( who's the closest to your age). The
first widow friends to welcome & comfort
me , were Patti, from South Carolina, and
Karen, from Ca. Later , 3 more widows
appeared from S,C. : Deb, Helena, and
Sherry. One woman, Bernadette, is from
your state . May I ask your husband's
name? It has helped me to say Linda's.
I chose Van Gogh, as my user name, bc I
was a tortured soul, like he was. I wish I
didn't have to say it, but welcome to GIC.
Lou

 

Hi Ruth. I’m terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your husband and the hardship of raising your 3 children alone. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl suddenly and unexpectedly 13 months ago. The Grief Warriors here all know the trauma of losing a spouse. I was a walking zombie for 4-5 months after losing Cheryl. My friends and family were very supportive for about 2 months. Then the grief journey took a very lonely turn. I had a therapist that was more like a friend but I found in person grief support meetings that only met twice a month. The rest of the time I was on my own. The support meetings encouraged mourning and I was able to get my grief out in the late morning and early afternoon. I got tired of feeling vulnerable around people because our culture doesn’t understand grief so I isolated. October last year I found GIC. This site makes me feel like I belong to a family that cares. I have real friends here who support me and understand. My oldest brother Lou has guided us to a treasure trove of grief recovery information. Please go to centerforloss.com and read 6 Needs of the Mourner. Also sign up for the daily grief devotions. The book Permission to Mourn by Tom Zuba has helped immensely. Thanks to the grief warriors we are never alone. Please stay with us. We have the herd mentality that there are strength in numbers. Gary

 

Glad you found us, Ruth. Every single word you've said resonates. It's been 17 months since my Ned went. I have found that neither age nor how long the relationship matters, but the nature of your soul relationship. What is your husband's name, if you don't mind me asking? No pressure to say, of course. Hope you come back soon.

 

Gary, since I never had a brother of my
own, and always wanted one, I'm
honored that you call me your oldest
brother. You have helped guide me
through the world of being suddenly
single, after so many years with a
soulmate, you with your dear Cheryl,
and mine, with my wife, Linda. Hope
you have a blessed June day today, filled
with sunshine, and perhaps a smile , or
even a LMSO. Thank you for being a
true, compassionate warrior leader, in
welcoming Ruth, & other new members
to GIC. Lou

 

Hello Rose, I'm very sorry for your loss, I perfectly understand how you're feeling, I loss my spouse in January 2022, were were married for fifty years (no children) I was in denial my companion and only friend is gone but I'm here it's only me, during these months I'm learning to be comfortable with myself, I'm not alone I have me living with the most beautiful memories, but I have to move forward, life continues....take care of yourself! that it's very important, love yourself, your kids, this beautiful world we live, be positive, you still young, you are you!, remember the beautiful 18 years with your beloved. Sending my love and peace. Helena

 

My profile photo is a painting by Morgan Weistling, one of my favorite artists, called "Momentary Glance". I felt it captured the way I feel in her expression. I love Weistling's work and his paintings are exquisite: "Joy" and "Flour Child" are particularly beautiful and charming.

Anthony. His name is Anthony.

Thanks for the responses, support and recommendations. Speaking of vulnerability, I just finished "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown. She has started a conversation about wholeheartedness and how vulnerability plays a role in achieving that. A Indonesian tribal quote she used is my new favorite, "Knowledge is only skin deep until it lives in the muscle", and I think that is particularly relevant to grief. I love books and typically have 5 going at a time on different topics (I read fast), so again, thanks for the recommendations.

I appreciate the welcome; hope you all have a bright spot in your day.

 

Ruth, thank you for saying your husband's
name,Anthony. Although it must have been
painful for you to say, now the Grief
Warriors can honor him and you , by
invoking his name. Thank you , also,
for revealing the source of the profile
picture on your profile. Art & music,
as well as the sea, have sustained me ,
in my grief. Reading books & receiving
the daily quotations from the Center for
Loss website, via email, have helped in
the healing process. I can see that you are
already an asset & thoughtful leader on
GIC. Lou

 

My heart goes out to you, dear Ruth and at such a young age too. You've done the right thing signing up here, I'm sure like I have, you will find great people here willing to listen to you open - heartedly, offering you comfort, sharing their grief and trying to get along this journey we never ever wanted to set out on.
I wish you and your children all the peace in the world.
Rose

 

Wow, Rose, just woke up, briefly, due to
"plumbing issue", as our friend, Deb, so
humorously puts it. I"ll keep this brief. I
noticed that you wrote several posts, on
different threads , to comfort different
people, including new members , like
Ruth, who I think is our youngest widow.
Her story with the haunting portrait of a
woman ( not herself), moved me. I told
Ruth I'm old enough to be her grandfather.
I can't imagine the sudden , shocking
death of her husband, Anthony, and father
of their children. This is so cruel and
unfair. Ruth is an "an old soul" and obviously highly intelligent and brave.
She is a voracious reader of books on
grieving. I hope she reads Permission to
Mourn, by Tom Zuba. He was suicidal over
the deaths of his baby girl, wife, and young
son, in that order, from various illnesses.
What kept him going , as it does for many
grief warriors here, is that he had to
raise his 2 other sons. Thank God, he
chose to live, to care for them, and
mourners like us, with his books, and
lectures on YouTube. I will read your
other posts, over coffee, when I wake up
in the morning, including the kind one to
me about music being our salvation. We now have 3 new members, Ruth, Cathy,
and now, a very young veteran, Dylan,
from the state of Washington. I will give
him a quick reply now, and I hope all
TGW will welcome & comfort Dylan, soon.
Thank you, Rose, you have become a true
leader on GIC, in such a short time. It
already seems like a long time ago when
YOU were our newest member, and I asked
you to share your husband's first name,
and, to honor his wishes, you bravely
used his first initial, C. Thank you, Rose.
Lou

 

I'm sorry for your loss. You are in the right place. You'll find thats its good talking to people that know where you coming from. Friends that havnt been through it do what they can but don't understand what you going through. I lost my Gant 2 years ago and we have 2 children. They are my motivation to move each day. Their are alot of things that I still need to get done but I'm taking my time. It can be overwhelming try to do but take one day at a time. It would be nice if people just offered support to you but honestly I get more of that here. Its amazing how they wait in the background waiting for you to ask. If you're comfortable enough asking for help ask because like I said it can get overwhelming especially with kids. Its important to get fresh air as often as possible and take deep breaths. I pray for your strength today and each passing day.

 

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. This is a really good place to share because everyone understands. You are in my prayers.

 

COMFORT

BILL LATHROP (2022)

Once again...I dream of your smile and I go to Heaven for a while,

and it’s your aura that I breathe, while the problems of my day now recede.

For God knows that in my life, I’ve faced untold pain and personal strife, and through all the intervening years I still must choke back persistent tears. I have, loved, and laughed, and tried to hide, while I held your hand... as you died.

I breathed with you your very last breath as you passed from this life into the next...where...

Our mingled breath would not subside but floated to Heaven, where it will reside...forever with me at God’s side. Now...when I close my eyes for a closer view, I can see clearly what is true, and all those together dreams will now renew as my life passes in review...there...all our dreams come into view...In a place called Heaven, where we’ll reside, where life goes on, and all our prayers will unite as one...

 

Ruth, I'm so very sorry about your loss so young. Loss is painful at any time. My name is Karen. May I ask how old your children are? I lost my husband, Jack, 1 year and 7 months ago to cancer. It's still very hard to get through my day, that is when I come to this site and know I'm not alone.
I really like what you said, "there is a difference between being capable and being utterly self-sufficient". I'm finding out too how to be self-sufficient without Jack's help. I do rely on my great neighbors when something goes wrong and my daughter. But, you will learn as we all to cope and survive. Keep sharing with us.
Blessings to you and your children, Karen

 

Lou, you have a calling. You are

 

Lou, I'm sorry the post it didn't complete and it went through. Ignore.

 

Bill, for some reason , your long account
of Janet's last days on earth with you,
appeared under "spam" , which it
certainly is not. I cried at your 24/7
devotion to Janet, after a very long, happy
marriage. What got me was when you
said your wife's face glowed in gratitude,
when you spoonfed her. That is true
love. You will be reunited with Janet in
spirit, like we all will be with our
soulmates. Thank you for your poems &
songs. Lou