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New to site, widowed 6, weeks, WTF,!!!

Discussion in 'Dating Again After the Loss of a Spouse/Partner' started by HeidiHeidi, Jul 7, 2019.

  1. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I think the first 6 months were the worse but a pet really does help me, I have two. I find I want to spend a lot of time at home alone and definitely don't want to go out with couples as I really feel the empty seat next to me. I have been watching Father Brown Mysteries and Doc Martin: Total escape but somehow it helps deal with time passing. I know a lot of healing is relate to time so binge watching tv just helps the time go by until then. At some point I am sure I will get fed up with myself. I am a psychologist and even with my own good advice to myself I can not improve on that. I am not religious but thinking will in 10 years or 15 I will join him together where ever that is, and believe it all. It helps me. Anyone listening live near San Francisco and want to go out for a good cry together over coffee?
     
  2. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

     
  3. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I am here. Where do you live? It is terrible to have to do this youreself. I know how you feel. Some days are black and I cant get out of bed, other days are not so bad and I can see the future.
     
    Bogman likes this.
  4. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    It would be lovely to be in San Francisco, I'm in Chicago. Can't wait for Spring, even though I know seeing all the tulips pop up will be bittersweet, he did all the planting out in front of our home. It was just a few trees and all brick. I was never that into gardening and said, look no maintenance, he said it's ugly and I want to see something nice when I come home at the end of the day.

    At times when he was hospitalized for a long time I'd have to show him pictures of our home and dog so he'd remember.

    Cathy, I'm glad you're seeing the future, in time if we do the work of grieving we will emerge to the other side with greater understanding.
     
  5. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    I think maybe the fact that I am traveling and working helps. When I am home (more than half the time) . I spend too much alone and dont want to go out or do anything. It is becoming spring here. All of my flowers are blossoming though they shouldnt yet. I too do not garden, luckily my daughter hired me a gardener or the yard would turn to weeds.
     
    glego likes this.
  6. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    That is what I need to hear !! seems like a two steps forward and one step back, I guess that's progress ??

    I do know what you mean by going out and having the empty seat beside you, I think it's difficult for the couple as well ??

    I'm spending a lot of time alone it's what feels right at the moment, it does concern me because it's not my MO but I think as spring approaches I'll hopefully snap out of it and pickup the social life !!

    Dan
     
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  7. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    It's easy to end up spending time alone, the question I ask myself is am I doing it because I really need to, the need to spend time to reflect or just am i physically exhausted after putting on a happy face when I have to work or run errands. Sometimes the tank is really out of gas. Other times I'm just being apprehensive of this new life that I don't want, but have to learn to accept.
     
  8. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    All questions I've asked myself !!? I think the fact that we're asking ourselves the questions is a positive thing....
     
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  9. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    i have just invited some close friends to come visit me (they have been begging since my husband died, falsely thinking I do not want to be alone). I see it as a good step that I want to have company. Though not too much.
     
    glego likes this.
  10. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    Heidi, Heidi,
    My husband died 6 mos ago. It isn't any easier. I did try to date just recently, I dated a someone that I was friends with who also lost his wife. It was a grand disaster.
    All I wanted was a friendship, but he wanted more. Lesson learned, don't go out with someone unless you are ready . I was just dog gone lonely, I thought dating would help. And it didn't . Now I feel 2 losses. My husband and loss of a friendship. Being a widow is miserable.
     
    glego likes this.
  11. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    I
    hate being alone. If I could, I'd have someone with me all the time. But I think this is not the answer. I think I should learn to be alone and be ok with it.
     
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  12. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    I miss be
    ing "us" too. But I have found that there will never be an "us" again , as I know it. My life has changed.
     
    glego likes this.
  13. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    Loneliness is very hard. I have thought about dating but not sure I could handle more than just companionship right now. My husband just died after 43 years of marriage in July. It really is very lonely but I think not pushing myself to do anything I don't want to do helps. I watch a lot of TV, though I never have before and try and get out of the house at least once a day. I feel better when I do. Finally just this week I started feeling like socializing again. I know the pain will get better with time and that is what keeps me going. I know that if I wait it out thinks will improve.
     
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  14. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    glego
    I live near the Chgo area too. I'm thinking once our weather gets better, maybe we will feel better too. This cold and drearyness can really get us down. Once we can get out in the sunshine, walk or bike, we will feel better.
     
    glego likes this.
  15. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

     
  16. Blondie49

    Blondie49 Member

    we
    were married for 50 years. He died the day b4 our anniversary. I feel like I grew up with him. I don't know how to act around anyone else but him. He was my whole life.
     
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  17. cathy jeanne

    cathy jeanne Well-Known Member

    That is a long time. Just like me. It feels like half of me died with him. We had our own routines and didn't even talk that much but without him I feel someone cut off my arm. That is the hardest I think feeling that part of me went with him.
     
    glego likes this.
  18. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I don't know if at any time any of us will feel truly ready, but it's important to be open to it. I've decided not to worry about it. When ready to get out I'll do things that I enjoy with friends or even on my own. If I meet a kindred spirit to share my life with, all the better. Right now I can't imagine anyone loving, understanding and frankly putting up with me like me husband did.

    @Blondie49, so I hear that we may dodge the worst of that snowstorm, unless you're south of the city. At least we had this last weekend.
     
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  19. Bogman

    Bogman Well-Known Member

    I've been married all my adult life, I feel I have to get to know myself before I could entertain dating anyone at this point. It wouldn't be fair to them or myself but I do know what you mean about hating to be alone, it's tough...Dan
     
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  20. glego

    glego Well-Known Member

    I married in my late 20s, and also lived alone for several years before that. My husband also was a great supporter of my independent streak, however even with that said, we were so alike in many ways and perfectly matched, we also grew together. If I were to meet someone, they'd have to accept who I am now is largely because of him.

    I had one friend say to me, "now you have to move on and live your life." what he doesn't get is that I was living my life just fine, I didn't like that my husband was ill, I didn't like it for either of us, but it was the hand that was dealt and I loved him. There's nothing more that I would want and would give anything to have him home and be taking care of him. People that haven't been caretakers don't have a handle on this.

    Yes, it's lonely, we didn't have kids, so it's me and the dog. With that said, I know that if you're with the wrong person at best you can end up still feeling very alone, at worst you can end up in a destructive relationship. I'm not going to worry about this, it's way too early for one, and secondly it was never what I did when I was young.

    I think the toughest thing here is coming to terms with the fact that there's the possibility that I may end up alone because the one person that I want is no longer here, and I'm not willing to settle. I'm a romantic at heart, so was my husband we still had that magic.

    As I said, way too early, right now I feel accomplished just getting through an ordinary day.
     
    Bogman likes this.