Hi there! I just came across this online community yesterday and decided to join and post. Side note: The title of my post is a reference to Grey's Anatomy, sorry if it sounds a little too dark. It's how I'm coping and I realize that could be upsetting to people. My dad passed on May 10th, shortly after midnight. He was on hospice. He had a terrible fall about two and a half weeks before. He was in the ICU for five days, and intubated for two or three days (can't remember exactly). My mom and I put him on hospice on May 3rd. My dad did wake up and made some mild improvements but I feel like we lost him the day of his accident. He wasn't himself most of the time. There were days where he didn't recognize me as his daughter and/or didn't think he had a daughter. But there were days where he made some great strides and I was hopeful. I'm adopted and that has made this difficult in other/additional ways. I know he didn't abandon me. But sometimes I feel abandoned and I'm sure that is felt by many people, adopted or not. But this just has activated my attachment system like crazy. Abandonment is one trauma and adoption is another trauma. I've been in survival mode for so long and I am learning how to come out of it. My cousins lost their dad about a decade ago and when they both got married, my dad did the father/daughter dance (so uncle/niece dance I suppose) with both of them. And he walked one of my cousins down the aisle. It was difficult to watch. I had a lot of strong emotions. On one hand, I was so proud of my dad and took pride in the fact that he could be there for them that way and of course he'd never replace their dad but he could fill a role. And another part of me felt this ache and fear and felt insecure, because my dad might leave me for one of them. Especially the really smart, successful, "easy going" cousin. I used to joke how well who would walk me down the aisle if my dad wasn't around (no more uncles on that side of the family) and well, now it's kinda true. I used to joke with my dad and told him that he better not die a stupid death and if he did, I would kill him. Well, he sorta died a stupid death. I also used to say he better not die first (before my mom) and that happened. I think part of me wants to think my thoughts caused this. Because isn't that somewhat "easier" than to think it was just a freak accident that no one had any control over? I've struggled with thoughts of not wanting to be here; not wanting to live in a world without my dad. I don't want to straight up die but I don't want to be in a world without my dad. Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, what helped?
I am sorry for your loss and can understand your feelings of fear of abandonment. We have a tendancy to blame ourselves when someone close to us dies, but the truth is we only have a certain amount of time alotted to us on this earth. I am glad you were allowed to have some time with your dad before he died. Many people would love to have had just 5 more minutes with the one they loved before they lost them. Try to retain all of your good memories of your life with your dad-you might even want to write them down and be able to read them later. When we lost our son, I experienced the same thing you did. I couldn't make sense of why I was still here when he was gone. He has many problems and we becamse very close. I considered suicide, but I knew it would be unacceptable to God since I was not mentally unstable like my son. Then I thought God would take me out and take me home, but it didn't happen. One day after leaving the dentist's office I fell asleep while driving. When I woke up I was headed straight toward a tree. I barely had a few seconds to turn the steering wheel to avoid hitting the tree. The rear end of my car hit it when I turned so sharply. That was the day I realized God was not going to take me out of the world and that I was going to have to find some way to continue on in this life. That was only possible because I leaned completely on God. I knew the character of God that He was kind, loving, and cared. So I just kept looking to God to help me and He did. When I thought I couldn't even survive one day without Shawn, God helped me to go on. He is wonderful. Our relationship with God is really the only wothwhile thing in this life. He is my reason to continue in this world until he calls me home and I am able to reunite with my dear son once again. You can make Him your reason to go on also. Just turn to Him and He will help you get through this. I love you. Christine
Thank you for your words and sharing your story. I have had moments where it seems like life isn't ready to give me up quite yet even if I don't return the sentiment. So I can relate to that. Thanks again.
