My world shattered...

Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by DEB321, Jun 11, 2021.

  1. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    at 3:45 a.m., exactly two months ago. My husband died. I tried to escape from grief today. I got a haircut, ran errands, went window shopping. I didn't want to feel anything. I tried as hard as I could, but grief followed me home. Now, alone with my thoughts, I can't stop the memories, the pain, the tears...

    I think I'm going to put on one of my husbands tee shirts and try to get some sleep.

    I wrote this because I just need to feel surrounded by people who understand.

    Thank you for "listening." DEB321
    Ratty likes this.
  2. Songman

    Songman Well-Known Member

    I'm listening, and I care. Just by visiting this forum, please know, that you are definitely surrounded by people who understand your grief and who care about you, because we all understand your struggle. Keep reaching out. You will never fill in that void, but you will adapt your life to co-exist with the pain. It will be two years in October since I experienced my own devastating loss and I'm still struggling...but I am recovering. GOD BLESS YOU and grant you peace.
  3. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Deb, it's been 7 months since I lost my husband and the grief, pain and tears follow me in spurts. I keep having flashbacks, that come at any given time, of our life together until the end. I can't stop thinking of the last two weeks of him at home with hospice then he passed. Grief is living within me, I can't stop it, I hate it. I guess it has to run it's coarse.

    A friend 15 years ago lost her husband and she said to me, "I have to learn to live without him". I guess she learned, she's now 95 years old. I have always remembered that phrase, to learn. Now I'm wondering how.

    All of us on this forum are trying to learn to live without our love one. I do believe expressing one's feelings on this forum has really helped me not to feel so alone.

    You are surrounded.
    Songman likes this.
  4. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I'm so glad I decided to join this group. It helps just having my feelings validated, knowing that what I'm experiencing is "normal" given the situation. Although I have close friends who I can talk to, none of them have experienced the pain of losing a spouse. So many times, I'm told that I have to be strong. I know they mean well, but they just don't "get it." They have no idea how intense and never ending the pain is when your "person" is no longer on this earth. All of my hopes, plans, dreams for the future destroyed... However, life is a gift, a gift to be cherished. My husband would have done anything to have even one more day on this earth. I think about this often and start each day by thinking of something I'm grateful for. Sometimes, it's something so small, like just being able to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes, I'll remember a very special day I shared with my husband, and am grateful for the beautiful memories (even though those memories result in a flood of tears...) I'm glad that even though you're still struggling, you are recovering. Thank you for sharing this with me. Debi
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    cipines, I'm so very sorry for your loss. The way my husband died wasn't peaceful, it was the worst thing I've ever witnessed. My husband was so weak, he collapsed on the floor in the guest bathroom. It is a very small room, and the paramedics didn't have a stretcher small enough to get in there. They yanked open the door to the linen closet (directly across from the bathroom) and began pulling sheets out of it. They used the sheets to get my husband out of the bathroom, then they were able to lift him up onto a stretcher. Until this incident, my husband was a very stoic man. It took a very long time before the ambulance arrived. My husband was begging me to help him the entire time, totally out of character for him. He was in severe pain. All I could do was tell him how much I love him, hold him, tell him that the ambulance would be here soon. I know this sounds crazy, but I have to leave the door to the guest bathroom shut. I can't bring myself to go in there. Things got much worse when he got to the hospital, but I'm already getting off of the subject, so stopping here (for now.) I experience the same sort of flashbacks that you do, no idea when they're going to hit, and like you, they're of our entire life together. I also understand about the grief, pain and tears following you in spurts, it's the same for me. I never knew how intense emotional pain could be until my husband died. I wish there was an answer as to how to learn to live without our husbands. I think it's going to take lots of time, and will probably be a bit different for everyone. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace... Debi
    Helena Beatriz likes this.
  6. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I guess grief lives within us. Thank you for sharing your story. When my husband was ill we slept in separate bedrooms. He was in so much pain and didn't want me to touch him to make it worse. I still can't open that bedroom door.

    I'm really a shell with nothing inside. I fake laughing. I try to concentrate when someone is talking but find myself spacing off.

    Peace would be nice. My spirit went with him as I know yours did too and everyone on this forum.
  7. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I can't stop the flashbacks from that night no matter how hard I try. When I got back from the hospital after my husband died, I couldn't get myself to go inside the house. When I finally unlocked the front door, I can't even begin to describe the dread, pain, fear, sadness, etc, I felt. The house was totally trashed, foot prints everywhere, throw pillows that were on the sofa, now on the floor, where my husband had been, the door to the linen closet open, blankets, etc thrown on the floor, the door stop yanked off the top of the linen closet door, scuff marks in the bathroom, urine on the floor... I didn't care what condition the house was in, but I had to clean the bathroom. My children live very far away (couldn't get flights immediately, and COVID made it more difficult), but they had been on the phone with me from the time I left to drive to the hospital to the time I returned home. My daughter was still on the line, had me put her on speaker phone, and refused to hang up until I finished cleaning the bathroom, and I promised her I was going to take a shower, at least get into bed for awhile, although I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. I have no idea how long it's going to take me before I can open that door again. I'm so sorry you can't open the door to your bedroom. I can only imagine how painful the memories in that room are for you... Although it doesn't help, I understand, and I'm so very, very sorry...
  8. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I had a similar experience after they took my husband away. He was in a hospital bed in the living room with hospice. I had buckets of attends, sheets, towels, water baths, blankets, equip all over. The bathroom was full of antiseptic lotions, medicines and calamine lotions. For months he had a rash all over his body, I'm still finding calamine lotion on the walls, doors, floors in spots I missed. The first think I did after they took away the equipment was to clean the living room. I closed the bathroom door for a couple of weeks, to many bad memories and time spent in there.

    But, yesterday, looking in the closet, I found a shirt I gave him. As hugging it the smell of his perspiration was still lingering. How can perspiration still be living and he gone. That was the first human physical closeness I've had with him, his smell. I broke down. God be with us.
  9. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I know it doesn't help, but I'm so sorry... You and I have so much in common. My daughter sent my husband a photo blanket for what turned out to be his last birthday. It is filled with so many memories... family vacations from when our kids' were young, plus a few much more recent pictures. It had me in tears when he got it, but they were mostly happy tears. He loved the blanket! He was always cold and it was a perfect gift, a really soft, warm, fleece blanket. He spent the last couple of months (when he wasn't hospitalized or in rehab) sleeping in a hospital bed in our guest bedroom. I put that blanket on it. I cleaned the room, washed the sheets and the blanket, and made the bed, before picking him up from rehab on April 9th. It was the last night I got to help him get into bed, and I covered him with this very special blanket. I had to call an ambulance the next night. He died very early the following morning. I don't think I'll ever be able to wash that blanket again. I want to be able to put it on my bed, but I can't. I can't even look at it without crying...

    I'm glad my husband got to spend one more night at home. He was so happy to be home again... Saturday morning while we were eating breakfast, he was talking about the future. I had no idea it was going to be his last Saturday with me... Sending you hugs, wishing all of us peace...
  10. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    I feel your pain. You are so fortunate to have had the last Saturday with him and he was able to share with you. That must of meant a lot to you.

    Because of Covid we were not able to have a celebration of his life with the family. This August we will meet at a lake that we went to every year since 1984. It will be the hardest time for me and the last time I will be at that lake. Too many memories. The family wants it there. Through out the years it has become a lake/camping tradition as the family grew. I don't want to go. I'm a coward. But, I have to for the kids. I'm making a collage on a large poster of all the funny pictures and memories to take. Of course, he's coming with me in his walnut resting box. I think the family wants closure. It will never be closure for me.

    I don't know if you read this in one of my prior chats so I'll send again. My daughter gave me this for our 40th Anniversary June 5th. He was gone. It's a necklace and on the front it says, "My mind still talks to you and my heart still looks for you, But my soul knows you're at peace.
  11. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    I did read it in a prior chat. It is such a beautiful saying. It made me cry when I first read it. It's bringing tears to my eyes now. Like you, we weren't able to have a celebration of my husband's life. My husband didn't want a funeral. He wanted us to go on a vacation and scatter his ashes in the ocean, in one of our favorite places. I'm not able to do this yet. My kids tell me to take my time, we'll plan a trip when I can handle it. I need a place where I can visit, place flowers, talk to him..., so I have some of his ashes in a rosewood urn, and some in a sturdy cardboard box. My family and I will scatter most of the ashes in the cardboard box in the ocean. A very close friend sent me four keepsake urns. The remaining ashes in the cardboard box will be put in the keepsake urns, one for me, and one for each of my three children. The ashes in the rosewood urn will be buried in a national cemetery.

    Like you, I don't think I'll ever have any closure. I've been having a couple of really tough days, can't stop the tears... I can't imagine the rest of my life without him, but I know he wouldn't want me to be miserable. I'm praying for all of us, that we can at least find peace... Sending lots of hugs your way... DEB321
  12. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    That's beautiful what you are doing with his ashes. I never thought about separating the ashes and saving some for the kids. Maybe I'll ask them. My husband and I decided, before he got sick, we would like our ashes mixed together and buried under a tree. I wanted us to fertilize the earth and since he was very much into nature he liked that idea. So, when he was home with hospice I told him to wait for me and he smiled.

    There is no time limit for a celebration of life, funeral or memorial services. It's really too soon for you. Thank you for sharing.
  13. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Debi you have inspired me. I'm going to split some ashes and spread at the lake with all the kids in August and save the rest for when I join him together. It makes it more of a remembrance to have his kids involved. I hope other forum members read our stories and maybe it will give them inspiration for their love one's memorial. Thank you Debi.
  14. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    You brightened my day by letting me know that I was able to inspire you just by sharing my story. I love the idea of spreading some of your husband's ashes at the lake with your children, and saving some of them to mix together with yours, to be buried under a tree... Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Debi