My son took his life on my 54th birthday by jumping off of a building. We are destroyed

Discussion in 'Suicide Loss' started by Northof60, Sep 28, 2018.

  1. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

  2. Saoirse

    Saoirse Member

    How old was he?

    Birthdays suck. My barely 14-year-old killed herself a couple of months before my 55th birthday. Can’t imagine how bad it is for you. Mine was bad enough... kept thinking how she wanted to make a cake for me a couple of weeks before she died. (Her birthday’s next month. She would be 15.)

    Whereabouts are you above 60? My daughter wanted to see Alaska as I had many years ago. What was you son like?
    Northof60 likes this.
  3. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

    Ross was a good human who loved his siblings, his dog and his mom. He was an accomplished baker, smart and a trained heli-arc welder who turned down jobs to go to school. A handsome guy who dressed to the nines, he adored his siblings and his dog. Every day is hell now, I pray for the end of the day. I am a failure as a dad now. I hate every morning that I have to get up and work, and I hate "God" for taking him away. My son could work so hard, whether it was logging, baking, welding or school...but he suffered. I feel every day that I failed him and am responsible for his death. If I was diagnosed terminal tomorrow, I would not really care. Like I said, God took a beautiful human and I hate him for it. My life is just burning time until I am gone.
    Saoirse likes this.
  4. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

    I'm sorry for your lost...forgive me.
  5. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

    My son jumped to his death...I can't stop thinking about how he died, and how he suffered. I have started drinking at night to sleep. Like I said, every day is a repeating hell until I die. I just don't care anymore because God hates my family.
  6. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

    I am sorry for your loss. I am sure she was a beautiful young woman, and I'm so sorry.
  7. Northof60

    Northof60 Member

    We live in Kenai, 3 hours south of Anchorage. Ross lived in Fairbanks, 9 hours to the north.
  8. Saoirse

    Saoirse Member

    You live in beautiful country, my dad would say “God’s country”. Can’t say that I hate God myself… More ambivalent than anything else these days. (My daughter said she was an atheist before she died.) The only time I saw my life flash before my eyes was when nearly falling from a cliff somewhere near Denali. Sometimes wonder if I should have died long ago to spare my daughter from suffering.

    Ross sounds wonderful… some things in common with my daughter. Although each story is unique, so many who take their own lives seem to be exceptionally well loved, for good reason. As parents, our most important job to protect them. Most of my life, I’ve helped others, sometimes saving lives. Yet I’ve failed the most important person in my own life…. Pretty screwed up.

    I worked my 55th birthday. It was hard to focus on helping others when all I could think was that my daughter wouldn’t be making that birthday cake. After getting her hospital records from a couple of years ago (complicated story), I had a real hard time working in a medical profession. I’m now out on disability for PTSD. (You mentioned drinking at night to sleep… My doc authorized moderate medicinal alcohol use in my case.) I totally understand the feeling of biding time until the end. I don’t want to do my self in, but no longer feel that I need to keep myself in good form for my daughter’s sake.

    I hope there’s some shared understanding with Ross’ siblings and mom. Humans can be so complicated. Dogs are much easier.
  9. Saoirse

    Saoirse Member

    Just found an article addressing the self-blame that makes some good points. https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/05/07/if-only/

    However, this article doesn’t explore the bond we had with our children. Judging by the love and respect you expressed for Ross, I’m guessing that you were very close.

    I met a woman last night surviving her brother’s suicide last year. She expressed something I’ve experienced, but haven’t heard elsewhere. Learning from our lost loved ones’ friends (also from other moms in my case) how much we were loved and admired makes this woman and myself feel worse. I feel all the more that I let my daughter down because she loved me so much.

    Wishing you and your family peace.
  10. Rickswife

    Rickswife Member

  11. lflores413

    lflores413 Member

    I can relate to you wanting to die and not care to live. I feel this everyday. I cannot concentrate at work, somedays I wish I could just be in bed crying till i fell asleep. Sleeping is the only time I can not think if i dont dream. My childrens father was killed by the police. I sometimes do not know what happen as I was not on the scene. He held my daughter in his arms and said he wanted to die. the police seen him as a threat to my daughter as he had a pocket knife in his hand. I am angry. I get angry everyday. I miss him and I loved him very much. My children loved their day. Sometimes we dont know what a person suffers with internally. We will never know. I beg god, if there is one to take the pain away. to tell me why we live and die. Why we suffer. I deal with the trauma of that day and what my kids have to go through. He was not an abusive dad, he was a good dad. Not perfect but he loved the kids. I ended the relationship because I became afraid of his anger. It ended very badly and his life was taken. I have alot of guilt as i was with him for 11 years. What could I have done differently, what if. I wish I had died that die with my kids. My thoughts can go so many ways. Ive distanced myself from people, because they dont understand. No one has lived it. We live with guilt and heartache. We look for hope but with grief it is hard to find. You dont hear much success stories after loss. WHen i feel like this, i tell myself that this is what life has given me, although it is not what i wanted, or woudl wish upon anyone. I will make it the best fuck*n life. I am here, might as well live it to the fullest for that person. to honor them, to honor their life. To do the things they loved and to open my heart even more.