My purpose is gone with my precious son

My 28yr old son Blake left me on Sept 7 2021.
He had highly functioning autism and was with me 24/7 for the last 14 years. His dad and I are divorced. Blake was my whole world. I was his sole caregiver. He was my partner, best friend, soul mate, and son. He was my heart and soul. There are no words that can express the depth of my heartache. Our days were filled with traveling, shopping, eating out, walking trails, going to movies, reading, swimming and so much more. My loss is beyond empty. I am alone now. I am so lost. I have no desire to move on without him. There is no reason to. I pray every day and night for healing or death. Surely God would not leave me in such pain and loneliness forever. Prayers for everyone who’s heart has been shattered.❤️‍❤️

 

I am so sorry for your loss. I have a 18 years old son who is somewhat low function autism.
I do understand your pain. I pray for you, I pray for your healing.

 

Thank you. Please cherish the time with your son. Tho the struggle was hard sometimes, I would give anything to have him back just the way he was. So much joy, full of life, never a dull moment. I miss him so desperately.❤️‍❤️

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. My son was my world. He gave me meaning. He was 26. I don't know how I'm suppose to do the rest of a lifetime without him. Or even want too!!

 

I feel the same way as you that my son was my whole life. Try not to think about having to do a whole lifetime without him. Just take one day, one morning, one hour at a time. It takes great effort just to do that at first. This grief walk is just horrible in the beginning and I think we all feel like there is no way we can even go on one day. But by the grace of God, I know you can because I did.
Try to survive one day at a time, until the pain begins to let up a little. You can make it. Hold onto hope.
Chris

 

Hi~ I, too, am sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and with you as you must know, no one understands unless they have been in our shoes.
I am almost 1 year in and its still a daily struggle.
No one understands why I am still crying every day.
I believe I will cry every day til I finally get to die.
I cry alone because every one is tired of hearing it.
Its sad and pathetic that we are forced to live the rest of out lives in ruin. I love my God but I am very angry with him right now. He is my only hope for healing.
Drakester, I am sorry I cant be more encouraging, its what we all desperately need. Sometimes, I find it helps me when someone can relate and understand on the deepest level. I do. I will pray for you and you are welcome to reach out whenever you need to. I will never get tired of listening. I am thinking your son’s name was (is) Drake. My son is Blake. Hugs and prayers to you ❤️‍❤️

 

Such a difficult loss when we have been so bonded to someone who really couldn't know how to socialize like 'normal' people. We become their whole world and they become ours. I felt like I had lost a hundred people and the counselor told me it was because Shawn had played that many roles in my life. I can really understand how it was with you and your son and how devastating it is when that is gone. Our whole world has fallen apart at that point.
God will not leave you in such pain and loneliness forever, especially since you are reaching out to him. But do not expect the pain to dissolve tomorrow. You have had a huge part of your heart ripped out and it is all you can do for the time being to try to go on to the next day. This is a grief walk. As much as we hate it, we have to walk down this path of pain and heaviness. But you can do it. The pain will ease with time and become less and less frequent if you will just hold onto hope. I prayed for death too, but when I fell asleep at the wheel and was headed right for a tree and swerved just in time to miss it, I realized God was not going to take me out of the pain, but I would have to find a way to survive the pain. God helped me. It was a slow process for me, but here I am 20 years down the road and still going on when I thought I never could.
I love you.
Chris

 

Thank you for the kind words. It's sooo hard!!!

 

Thank you, Chris. Your encouraging words mean so much. It is very hard to believe I can make it thru another day much less 20 years! You are an inspiration. Its kind of you to still be on here giving strength and encouragement to others! I am trying so hard to surrender and trust God completely. I do 2 different Bible studies and a small group at church. All three of them are telling me the same thing… TRUST and let go. My doubt is a big hindrance. Not doubt in God, but doubt that there is a future for me. I am alone and lonely. At this point, no purpose or direction. I feel like a rag doll in a wind storm. My secondary losses are many and get in the way of my healing process. Working on that, too. Thank you again!❤️‍❤️

 

Yes, his name is Drake. Thank you for reaching out. I relate to the things you said about crying alone & other things, cuz I feel like a bother to everyone!

 

No truer words were ever said. Hang in there. We are here for you.

 

Thank you. That's nice to know. I feel like such an outcast now.

 

Please reach out when ever you need to vent or share feelings. Chris’s words are so very encouraging. We can make it thru this!! Lets believe that!

 

Thank you for encouraging others to go on even during your own pain.

 

My spiritual gifts are Mercy and Giving. They were used daily when my son was here. I have nowhere to use them right now. I volunteer at a school for autistic children a few days a week. Its just so hard as the reminders break my heart and I leave there in tears each time. The pain and energy it takes to be there almost makes me want to give it up. But I feel like I am supposed to be there. Maybe it will get a little easier with time. Can you shed some light on how long it took you to get back into the world? Did you work during the first year? Did you have a good support team? Does a time come when I’ll care about something, anything again? Just wondering. Most people I encounter are also just starting ‘the journey’.
Thanks Chris

 

Those are wonderful gifts to exercise for others.
I did work the first year only because I had to financially. It was torture. I was completely dysfunctional. It is only by the grace of God that I was able to keep my job.. I would have stayed home if I could have, but then I have always wanted to stay home instead of going out to work, so that's just me.
I really did not have any support to speak of. I did go to a counselor for several months. That was a little help because whenever I needed an answer, God gave me the answer. Just talking gave me a chance to try to sort out allguilty about the things that had happened. The counselor really didn't have to come up with an answer, because as I talked the answer came to me. He always would say first thing after I asked him a question, "Let's pray about it " and when we finished I would get the answer I needed.
A couple of my bosses also helped me by being supportive.
This grief walk is different for every person. Some seem to just 'take it in stride' and go on as usual; however, that was not possible for me. I still feel guilty for all the neglecting I did on my job. but really all I could do at that time was try to survive. Over time, you will not be thinking about what happened and grieving 24 hours a day. Some normal thoughts will begin to occur again and you will have periods when you go longer and longer without thinking about the tragedy. It definitely will be better than it is now. You are going through the very hardest part.
Chris

 

Thank you! You are a blessing to me. I am always inspired by those who have persevered and survived. I have a younger son who lives far away. I love him and he loves me but he doesnt need me. No one does. This is one of the secondary losses I am struggling with.
The most frustrating feeling is wanting to die without one son but having to live for another. I would never want to hurt him further. Thank you so much for coming on here today. I have to believe that God led me to find someone like you today.

 

You are very kind. If I have been any kind of help at all to you, that makes my day worthwhile.
I have not been on here for awhile. Yesterday I came back on and saw your need.

 

Wow!!! Tell me that wasn’t God!! I truly needed it!
Thanks again!