My little sister passed away at 16...

It's been 3 weeks since I lost my beautiful, energetic, intelligent, kind, thoughtful younger sister, Lexi. I was a lot like a caregiver and a big sister to her. I'm 8 years older than her, so I had the means to take care of her while she lived with me since quarantine with COVID-19. Long story short, our mom is a toxic person. I lost my sister very suddenly due to fentynol poisoning from xanax she took. I believe it was accidental on her part but someone intentionally laced the pills. It's difficult to accept. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I was robbed. My sister was robbed. An entire lifetime she had in front of her, gone. She was a junior in high school. I wanted to help her pick out her prom dress. I wanted to throw her a graduation party. I wanted to visit her while she was in college. I wanted to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I wanted to be at the hospital when she became a mom. I wanted to see the beautiful nieces and nephews she would give me. And it was all ripped away because of drugs. Why would God take her from me? One of the few people in my life who understood me, really listened to me, genuinely cared for me, thought of me, loved me, looked up to me? I can't function and frankly, I don't want to. I just want to lay in bed in a dark room all day and ignore the world. What is the point if such a kind, good, innocent life is gone? How does my 16 year old sister not exist anymore? How can I not call her when something in the day makes me laugh? How can I not text her when something in the day pisses me off? How can I not drop her off at school and pick her up like I've been doing for the past three months? How is it I don't have the opportunity to help her with her American History homework anymore? How is it I can't let her practice driving anymore? How can I cope with the fact that my 2 year old son will most likely not remember his aunt? How can I not be angry all the time? How can I not cry every night? How can I not sob in the car everyday so hard that my body shakes? She's everywhere. I find her curling iron in the bathroom. I break down. I find the stuffed animal she bought for my son. I break down. I pass her high school everyday knowing she isn't there. I break down. I just want her here like it's supposed to be. I talked to her about staying away from drugs all the time. But she would only tell me things she wanted me to know. And I'm her sister so she didn't exactly see me as an authority figure so she would leave with her friends and no matter how many times I begged her to stay, she would leave. She didn't have the proper guidance most of her life from our mom. I just feel so broken. Like she took a part of me with her....

 

She did take a part of you with her. Your job is to get most of it back. You will soon learn that the feeling of loss do not go away they become integrated into your being and you carry them around. You must celebrate the wonderful sister you had and honor her by your actions. Your loss is very recent and your pain is raw. Give it some time to get back onto a regular schedule. What helped me was writing down my feelings....all of then. I did it for a year after my loss and my journal showed a very definite upswing in my mood as time went by I am still sad and I still cry but I am remembering more positives than negatives. I sincerely hope you will find some peace.