Suddenly I realized that my life, as I knew it, is gone forever. It ended when my husband of 40 years passed last month. I feel unbearable grief and I also feel hopeless because there is nothing I can do about it.
Dear Daisy, I hear your feeling of being overwhelmed by everything that is happening right now. It’s completely understandable! This is so overwhelming! You are facing life and the needs of your family and children without Marshall (I am so sorry if I got this wrong!) There is no way for anyone to help you in the same way that Marshall could help. We’re all pikers, as my husband would have said. This is overwhelming. That’s such an integral part of grief. We are drowning, and struggling to keep our nostrils above water. We have family looking to us for answers, for guidance, for structure and for love and relationship in the middle of our own desperate search for a life raft. It effing sucks in a way that we are not and never could be prepared for. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, Daisy! I am so terribly sorry. You do have what it takes. You are doing it. Don’t judge yourself. Give yourself grace and credit for the impossibly painful journey you have navigated thus far. This is probably the hardest thing you will EVER(!!) have to do. You are doing it. One step at a time. You are doing it one moment at a time. You still have all of the love you shared with Marshall. And you are still you. You are wounded, but love cannot be undone. Remember three things: eat, sleep and find something to look forward to. Every day, write down these things. And don’t let yourself think for one minute that you don’t have what it takes to get through this. YOU DO. I’m not trying to sell you tough love. I’m telling you that you must love yourself and believe in yourself. I believe in you. And you are absolutely welcome to come back anytime and tell us how hard it is. I will listen and understand. You already know how hard it is, and you are already doing it. If you disagree, then you must, MUST stop judging yourself. ❤️ Take very good care of yourself!
Everything is overwhelming in the early days. It doesn't get easier soon but it does eventually. I believe that. Right now just stay kind to yourself. We can only handle small does of grief at a time before it consumes us. So eat well, drink lots of water, sleep well and get some exercise in. Talk to friends or come on here when you don't get the right emotional support in the real world. We understand this pain well. We're all in the same mess and here to listen. Gotta believe that we're still here, so there's a purpose for us. Even if initially it's to simply support each other here. If you can, read up a bit about the GriefBrain and understand some things are out of your control. Science is at work. Also search The Six Needs of Mourning and use it as a form of Guide to help you through this painful sadness. Marshall will always be in your heart and some of the best memories will stay with you. Take baby steps daily to gain some control. Believe in yourself. The road ahead is not easy but you can do it. And in the process you'll find a newer you. But first take all the time you need to grieve. Let it out.
Daisy - I know, we all know this is hard as hell. But trust yourself that it is possible. It's never goiubg to be exactly the way it was. Keep the memories. And daily try to tick just one extra box. If it works, try some mindfulness meditation to give you focus, clarity and some peace.
Thank you so much for your amazing words. They are so helpful and I will think of them often. I am judging myself constantly and feeling guilt about everything, but I will try to follow your advice. Thank you again!
