My last five and a half years

Thanks for sharing your story as well Lou.

 

Thank you, Dave, for saying your name
and where you live. I believe in making
personal connections here, and have
become good friends with my 3 younger
brother widowers:Gary, from Indiana,
George , from Illinois, and Chad, from Texas. Recently. I welcomed a new
member, Jackie, from NYC. My widow
friends, DEB, Karen,Robin, Rose, and
others, are very special to me. We make
each other laugh , as well as cry. A widow
from Ontario was on this site for a
short while, but moved on. I hope you
stay with us, Dave. I won't press you
about your wife's name. Wait 'til you're
ready. Lou

 

Thats good you have support. Everyone has different needs and copes differently. My own situation was a case of knowing we only had so much time left, but on the other hand we had time to emotionally prepare. Death is always sudden no matter how you look at it, but we basically had some kind of a warning. It was learning to accept we lost the battle with cancer that was the hardest at first. We also decided that we knew the hand we were dealt and decided to move forward the best we could. We went places, did things as a family - we have a young daughter, so we wanted to make the most of it for her as well. We knew what we were up against but it wasn’t stopping us. Cancer cannot stop love. Cancer actually strengthens love.

 

Hi. I lost my wife of 31 years to cancer in mid Jan 2023. It was all too sudden. From diagnosis to death it was around 100 days. And mind you the diagnosis was 'treatable' and she was supposed to be fine. I'm still coming to terms with her death. I'm glad you made 'memories' - so did I. We were both in shock knowing how it would turn my life upside down. I'm simply stumbling forward one baby step at a time.

 

So sorry for your loss. I lost my wife recently as well. Everything sucks and seems out of control. Too much pain in this world. I've connected with a few folks on this site over the phone and find it very therapeautic to have voice calls. I find letting it out releases the pain and nervous energy - knowing there's a real human at the other end.

 

Meditation exercises helps me a lot. There are guided videos online. I totally get what you mean about loneliness and loss of appetite and concentration. My wife and I never had kids either and I have no family near me. Sucks! Please reach out. Happy to listen more of your story and your daily struggles and mini victories. We're all part of this club no one really wants to be part of. But we are here. So lets stay here together and prop each of us up. We're left behind for a purpose. Gotta find some silver linings.

 

Sorry for your lost! I have also lost my husband at the end of January 2022 after fifty years of marriage, he was my friend and I will miss him for the rest of my life. After a few months I reached GIC where I met the most understanding emphatetic people, now my friends that I have never met. Also I haven't kids or relatives near me, but meditation and yoga kept me going forward. Here is the only non judgmental place that I found because people are travelling the same journey than you and I, this is part of our lives!

 

Dave,

I'm so very sorry to hear your wife recently passed away. Words seem so shallow at times, now being one of them, but I want you to know how truly sorry I am. My husband, Bob, died a little over two years ago. He was sick for many years, but it wasn't until the beginning of 2018 that I had to become his full time caregiver. By the time he passed away, he had a specialist for just about every body part.

Your story is so very tragic, and heartwarming, all at the same time. It's wonderful that you were able to accept that your wife had lost the battle with cancer, and instead of dwelling on all the negatives, focused on all the positives. I love that you did as many things as you possibly could as a family, not letting cancer get in the way of enjoying the time you, your daughter, and wife, had left together, as a family. Life is a gift, something to be cherished. All the things you did together, places you went, are now cherished memories... In time, (the timeline for being able to move forward is different for everyone), when you and your daughter think of them, talk about all those "remember when's," you'll be able to smile through the tears...

Bob taught me so much about life. We began every morning the same way. I took his blood pressure, his temperature, his blood sugar, then asked him how he was feeling. Bob suffered greatly towards the end of his life, but no matter how much pain he was in, his answer was always the same, "As long as I'm on the right side of the dirt, it's a good day." During the very darkest moments, the moments when I felt like I couldn't make it through another day without him, I would think about Bob, how challenging and difficult his life had become, but how he was determined to find the good in each and every day. I knew I had to find a way to do the same.

I love what you said, "Cancer cannot stop love. Cancer actually strengthens love." Love is eternal, nothing, can ever take away, or lessen, the love you have for your wife, the love I have for Bob.

I'm so very sorry you had to find us, but so very glad you did. I hope you will stick around, give us the chance to get to "know" you, and you the chance to get to "know" us. Welcome to our GIC "family."

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Yeah, I'm struggling to make sense of what's ahead of me. Too over-whelming. And hate the loneliness. It makes my head spin with multiple thought cycles that can cause anxiety or confusion on certain days. I'm trying to stay busy. Pretty tough as she and I did everything together. And never really invested in building a social circle.

 

Well, DEB, you did it a

Well, DEB, once again, your compassionate
words to new member, Dave, choked me
up. Your devotion to Bob in his last years
is so moving, and demonstrates the
unconditional love of our marriage vows:
"in sickness, and in health". Right after
Linda died, I was ovewhelmed with
guilt and anguish, like many Grief Warriors here,that I wasn't affectionate
enough, or was too impatent, with Linda
toward what would be her end on earth.
Rose pointed out that she cried when she
heard the song, Always on my mind,
sung by Elvis. I cried over the Willie Nelson
version.The line, " maybe I didn't love you
as much as I should have" gets me every
time. It took a year with a grief counselor
to realize that Linda knew I was there for
her, even when we were irritable with
each other, when I visited with her in
her room in the rehab unit of the nursing
home. Oh, F*CK,Debster, I just choked up
on MY words, too. Enough of Mr, Grief
( thank you, Karen, for your term): as
Sinatra sings in the song, Cycles, "Life is
meant for living.....". Lou Travolta

 

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement Deb. The dark part has to be faced, but you can’t forget the light part at all, that’s where the good memories and the happy times are and the dark part of it can take that over, then your in a bad place.

I’m by no means trying to minimize or avoid facing the loss and the grief. I have my time and place for that. I find you can’t forget the good times or the everyday part of just being with the person, like just reading a book or watching a movie, no matter who it was because we are all here because of someone.

Your husband was very special to You and sounded like a great guy, That’s about all I can say without sounding like I knew him. But he seemed like he called it like he saw it.

 

Everyone this is a general question - how do you reply to messages in your inbox? I can’t find a link to reply unless I need to get my eyes checked…

 

I think you've figured this out by now, since you've been responding to me in your Inbox.

 

Dearest Jen, Debra, Deb, Lou, Helena, Gary, Countess Joy and Cinines,

I just read Jen's heartbreaking post and your beautiful messages of comfort. I am inspired by the love and goodness which radiate from your posts.
The common thread which all of you share is the great love that you continue to have for your spouses.
I lost my soulmate of 40 years suddenly on January 23, 2022 of cardiac arrest. I was his. He was mine. We were us.

We spent 4 years traveling cross-country from California to build our home in South Carolina. We finally relocated from California to our sanctuary in a beautiful wildlife- filled location in South Carolina in September, 2018. In October, 2021, we traded in our little TAB camper for a larger camper so that we could travel with our dogs and bird.

We were looking forward to taking the camper with our 3 standard poodles to venues in the Southeast. Then, in January, 2022, I lost him.
I cannot and will not sell our dream. Thus, I intend to master the hook-ups. I take it overnight occasionally to a nearby beautiful campsite.
Those little jaunts distract from the grief. I also teach ballet on a volunteer basis. And, I work outside on our property laboriously.

Some books have helped, such as C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed, Norman Wright's "Reflections of a Grieving Spouse, Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, another book entitled The Grieving Brain, and a few others. And, Dr. Bill Webster's website entitled "Grief Journey" has been quite helpful.. But I have turned to this site to read your posts for comfort when the grief has been numbing.

The artist Van Gogh, whom my husband admired deeply, once said that suffering deeply is a result of loving deeply.

I believe that Our Lord works through all of you. The compassion and comfort which you show your fellow warriors is compelling evidence.

Love,
Georgine

 

Oh, my God, Georgine, I don't believe in
coincidences. When my wife, Linda, died
suddenly in front of me, at 68, after 25 yrs
of marriage, I couldn't sleep, & had PTSD.
Went to a grief counselor . That was over
4 yrs ago.She suggested this site. but I
didn't join 'til end of July, 2021. I chose
Van Gogh as my user name,bc I was a
tortured soul like the great painter. Also,
as I've said on Grief in Common ( GIC),
I have manic depression, like Van Gogh
did. Very sorry to hear about the death of
your husband & soulmate.May I ask his
name?I live on northern coast of
Massachusetts. Linda & I traveled
across the country, but never fulfilled
our dream of going in an RV. Made good
friends here, from South CarolinaEB,
Patti, Helena,and others. Hope you stay
with us. My name is Lou,

 

Thank you, Lou. My husband's name is Pierre. He loved Van Gogh's masterpieces, and we studied Vincent's life and saw his art everywhere in nature - from the south of France to fields here in South Carolina. I appreciate very much your postings and those of the other Grief Warriors. These postings have
given me solace over the past year as I have anguished. Your choice of Van Gogh is admirable and reflects both your relatedness to the artist and your great love for Linda. We all share the same component - an enduring love for our soulmate who lives on in eternal life.

 

Georgine, just came home after midnight, and was so happy to see that you replied to
me , with such warm words, and told me
Pierre's name. I was moved, bc I was
drawn to the haunting self portraits of
Van Gogh, and wrote a paper on his work,
in an art class in college. Little did I know
that I would have his illness later, and be
hospitalized at 30. It's been a long road, but
unlike poor Van Gogh, I have the benefit of
modern medicine. But, even with meds,
if I don't sleep,eat properly, get exercise,
and have stress, I can be very manic
( extremely irritable), or depressed. When
Linda collapsed ,and died soon after from
a pulmonary embolism, my manic
depression magnified my grief,and I had
suicidal thoughts. I voluntarily went to
the ER, and from there, a small
psychiatric unit . It was the best thing I
could've done, bc of the kind counselors,
nurses, and talking with my peers. Upon
discharge , I started seeing a psychiatric
nurse practitioner/ grief counselor. At
first, all I did was sob. Then, she gave me
2 books,which I've recommended to our
groupermission to Mourn, by Tom
Zuba, and The Widower's Notebook, a
memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer. I couldn't
read it in the beginning, without weeping,
bc my story was so similar to Jonathan's.
It is definitely not bedtime reading, and I
put it aside. One day, over coffee, I started
the book again, and couldn't put it down.
BTW, I just read my last post to you, and
there was a typo. I meant to say the name
of one of my closest friends from South
Carolina , here, Her name is DEB. For
some reason, I hit a strange emoji instead.
Lou

 

Hi, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife and I just wanted to say you've come to the right place here. We're all going through the same pain and sharing our thoughts and feelings is an important step to help us in our struggle. I have come to the decision that it's absolutely useless trying to talk to others who are not in the same situation, they just cannot possibly comprehend our anguish. That's why my only outlet is this great site.
I lost my husband unexpectedly nearly two and a half years ago, from a sudden heart attack. He was only 57, fit and healthy, no warning signs, one minute he was here, the next he wasn't! My mind just won't come to terms with this reality, no matter how hard I try.
I'm from outside USA too, but much further away, across the ocean, in Italy.
The love you shared with your soulmate isn't over, even though she isn't with you physically, we have been "imprinted" by them, they are still part of us, we still feel their love, so they will continue to live through us and give us hope and strength for own existence. We are what we are today because of the life we made together, that special bond will never be taken away from us. I don't see my C as part of my past, he is my present and future too, just in a different way, I still make decisions, give advice to my kids, suggest, solve situations (well, I try), as if he was still here,as if we are still deciding together, like we always did. After 25 years of marriage, it's just something I do automatically, without a second thought.
I will never stop repeating that getting out in the fresh air, walking around in quiet nature, (or by the sea, ocean if possible), away from noisy towns, is definitely soothing for the mind and I definitely recommend it to everyone.
Take care of yourself.

Rose.

 

Thank you for your condolences and for sharing your story. We are all here because of someone and for the same reason.

 

Hi Lou,

Thank you for your post sharing what you have endured with your health and the loss of Linda. It is a testament to your strength of character that you are doing more than surviving; you and the other extraordinary individuals on this site are helping others. And, thank you for asking the name of my soulmate. The French verb for "missing" someone is translated as "to lack". Without thinking about it, I have never been able to say that I "miss" Pierre. I am only able to say that I "lack" him. For, as Rose said, we are imprinted by our soulmates. In the musical "Les Miserables", a character sings, "To love another person is to see the face of God". God gave us our soulmates. And, He has led all of us to this site to comfort each other As my heart mourns for every surviving spouse who is suffering, I know that I am not alone.