My last five and a half years

Gary, OMG. That's so dreadful. So sad.

 

If there was anyway I could I would buy everybody a copy of the book invisible ink I would. I have written seven letters to Cheryl by following the prompts. The last letter to Cheryl was what I fear about my future without her. Cheryl responded last Friday. The author told me to create a room in my mind. to decorate it with all of our favorite belongings pictures ect and to paint the walls our favorite colors. put two overstuffed chairs facing each other in the middle of the room. I was instructed to look at Cheryl’s face and to look deep into her eyes and feel our love towards each other. Cheryl responded to what I was afraid of going through the rest of my life without her. Cheryl said she was sorry she had to leave so suddenly but knew I understood. Cheryl told me she is very happy in the afterlife. and that I’m going to love it there. Cheryl told me she was very happy how I settled her estate, kept her flower garden going, and how she was disappointed with her family. Three times Cheryl told me I have suffered enough. Cheryl told me not to fear how I am going to leave this world because she knows I can handle it. Cheryl said she is the one who will take me into the afterlife. Cheryl told me to trust my judgment and move with confidence. To stay creative and find a companion and do all the things we used to for mine and her sake. I felt closer to Cheryl afterwards. I still feel that way now but I know this is temporary relief. What it did was replace bad feelings with good ones. One letter a week works best for me. I always write on a sunny day after lunch and relax beforehand. I’m not finished with the book yet. I wouldn’t attempt to do this if I had just began my grief journey. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. Gary

 

Gary, writing a book, a diary, a play or anything with Cheryl involved it's the best way of kepping her very closee to you, just imagine she is with you even if she is not physically, it's a amazing what the brain can do for you. I'm also writing a journal, talking to Geoff, I feel that he is close to me, sometimes Mr. Grief interferes if I open the door. Finally I think you and I found a better way to still communicate with our love ones.
Helena

 

Gary,
It’s beautiful that you shared Cheryl’s words with us.
I was able to download the book to my ipad for $9.99
I haven’t started it but it’s there when I’m ready.
Thanks for the recommendation. ~B

 

Gary,

As usual, I'm just getting here, was going to hit the pavement early, but needed my caffeine more!!!, TU!!!, so decided to visit for a little while first. I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin's friend... My heart and prayers go out to his family... I love!!!, TU!!! TO!!! THE!!! MAX!!! (had to change this up a bit, variety is the spice of life), the advice Karen gave you!!! There is NO!!! way we can suppress Mr. Grief!!! As difficult as it is, as Tom Zuba says, we are healing..., even when Mr. Grief hits us the hardest. When Mr. Grief has way too tight a grasp on me, I often repeat to myself, "I am healing, I am healing, etc., etc., etc.," as many times as I need to, until I begin to believe it. I'm so very grateful all of TGW, allow ourselves to grieve when necessary, and don't attempt to escape from this total heartbreak. In the long run, as you and Karen have pointed out in your recent messages, the consequences can be tragic.

During the time I was MIA from GIC, the miserable gray, cold days, intensified my sadness, but also gave me the opportunity to do some serious thinking. I realized I need to take much better care of myself. I wasn't trying hard enough. It took me awhile to get back on track, but I think I'm finally where I need to be. I added an app to my iPhone so I can keep track of macros and nutrients. I started making myself simple breakfasts, instead of just mixing some hemp hearts and fruit into my Fage Zero, eating it quickly, and not really enjoying it. Today I made myself a red, green, yellow pepper, onion, and cheese omelette, with a slice of whole grain toast, and of course!!!, plenty of coffee. I'm beginning to enjoy eating breakfast again, and now I'm back to eating it at the kitchen table. I still get so sad... seeing the empty chair where Bob should be sitting, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I have to get used to this,it IS!!! my reality, now and for the rest of my life.

I'm glad you enjoyed my message describing my walk yesterday. I'm back into walking and feeling so much better. I'm always amazed at how walking..., something as simple as this, being outside in nature..., enjoying all of the beauty God created..., can lift my spirits so much... I know not everyone is physically able to enjoy walking, but I hope everyone finds that one thing, whatever it is, that lifts their spirits, making it harder for Mr. Grief to invade every minute of every single day.

Stopping here, I want to read at least a few more messages before hitting the pavement.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb
And you're so welcome. I'm so glad that I have decided to stick around also, and so I'm so glad that now I'm officially a part of TGW. And I do feel like Lou came up with such an appropriate name, because we are the Grief warriors. And I know that New England is really COLD!! Because I'm originally from Chicago and in the winter, it gets totally freezing there!! And SC sounds so beautiful, and I'm so glad that you felt like the first butterfly you saw made you smile, and that the second one lifted your spirits, and you felt like it was a sign that Bob was watching over you. And it is so good that the weather was like a beautiful Summer's day in February. And it's true that walking is healthy for us both physically and emotionally. And so far, my girls have gone for some long walks, but lately the weather here has been so cold and rainy, that for the past two days we haven't been able to.

And most definitely, Bob would want you to be happy, and I have thought the same thing you did, that I don't want to spend the rest of my life so miserable. And Linda's perception of existing in a "beige" world and not fully living, is something that I can't ever imagine going through for the rest of my life.... and it is so true, Deb, that life is a gift, and so precious, and sadly can be taken away from any of us at any time... and it is so good that you are trying so hard to follow Tom Zuba's advice, trying so hard to say "yes" to new adventures and "yes" to new opportunities, rather than saying "no" and continuing remaining tormented by Mr. Grief 24/7. And yes, I do understand, and it is a daily struggle!! And so I'm so glad that you did what Lou had to do the other day and say "F*UCK OFF!!! " to Mr. Grief and refused to let him ruin a beautiful day!! And I need to try and do the very same thing!! And oh, yes, I do understand what you have written, and thank you so very much for sharing your thoughts as well as your feelings with me, and how you have been coping with Mr. Grief . And it is totally understandable as well how you feel like once you get going, you end up writing what you feel like is probably like the world's longest run on sentences... but I feel like writing is a way to express our thoughts and feelings which is something that is very helpful to us, especially as we go through such a heart breaking situation in our lives.... and I actually haven't come across grammatical errors in your messages to me, and it's true that words do seem to type themselves.... and I can't thank you enough, Deb for corresponding with me, it means so much to me!! And though I haven't been able to escape that way too tight a grasp that Mr.Grief has on me, leaving me extremely depressed and so heart broken, like I'm being smothered!! And thank you so much for saying you hope that I've been able to. And I want you to be able to feel a sense of peace and to continue to enjoy your walks, and to continue to feel like Bob is watching over you. And I feel like Keith is watching over me and my girls as well!! And thank you so much also for sending me hugs as well as wishing me peace. And I'm sending you hugs as well, as wishing you and all of us peace here also...
Take care always. And you will be in my thoughts
Debra

 

Helena,

Just sending you lots of extra hugs, love today... Sadly, what you just said, IS now our reality, right up until the very second you are reunited with Geoff, Patti is reunited with Jack, I'm reunited with Bob, everyone is reunited with the one true love of their lives... Somehow, in spite of all this total heartbreak, we need to find a way to live the rest of our lives the very best we possibly can. Tom Zuba doesn't believe we ever fully heal. I agree. There is NO!!! way we can fully heal from this worst kind of pain imaginable, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, if we do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, we will continue to heal, right up until the second our lives on earth end.

I hope you have at least one reason to LMSO today...

Sending you even more hugs, love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Debra,

You are already an excellent GW!!!, TU!!! All the pain you are allowing yourself to feel, IS!!! helping you heal, will continue to help you to heal, right up until the very moment you are reunited with Geoff. I know Geoff would be very proud of you, for how brave you are to continue to let Mr. Grief invade your life, let all your emotions flow..., and in the process, s l o w l y, beginning the long and difficult healing process.

Thank you so much for mentioning your husband by his name, Keith. Lou always asks everyone what the name of the one true love of their lives is. By referring to our loved ones by their names, it makes our conversations seem so much more "real." I wasn't able to refer to Bob by his first name when I first arrived. It was only after Lou was persistent that I finally was able to do so. Just "saying" Bob's name here, made me realize that Bob is GONE!!!, NEVER!!! coming home again. I think it was the beginning of me being truly able to accept his death. Up until this point, Bob's death just seem so surreal... I kept thinking he would walk through the front door at any moment, that I would wake up and find his arms around me, as the sunlight began streaming in through the plantation shutters in our bedroom. I think you have bravely taken a very big step towards acceptance.

As always, thank you for those much needed hugs, the one thing I can NEVER!!! get enough of!!!, TU!!!

I hope you have at least one reason to LMSO today...

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, I’m so pleased to hear you are focusing on caring for yourself. And I understand the challenges of seeing empty places where our beloveds used to be.

Maggie Joy saw snow for the first time this morning. Our 5am potty trip ended up taking us all around the yard. So many sounds and textures.
Our morning walk was more of the same on a grander scale…. birds hopping around, an older little tiny dog who was doing that tip toe thing they do when they want to keep from getting wet.

For me there have been tears and smiles together. Kenn would have loved Maggie. But even more he would love seeing Maggie and me together. Yup, tears.

Have a blessed day everyone.
~B

 

Bernadine,

I loved reading your description of Kenn..., A "people" person to the absolute max... I wish I could have met him... Such a kind, friendly, outgoing person... I bet he was lots of fun to hang out with!!!, TU!!! Backing up a bit, even before this message to Lou, I already liked Kenn, lol... Not only was he, and will always be, the one true love of your life, but also, Kenn loved!!! dogs. Dogs are the absolute best!!!, TU!!! I think dog lovers are some of the nicest, friendliest people in the entire world... Backing way up, from what you've shared with us about Kenn, I agree, Lou and Kenn could have been great friends...

I still have lots of catching up to do, so stopping here (for now). Plus and this is a really BIG PLUS!!!, I took a very long walk today, I NEED!!! a shower. Enough said, lol...

As always, sending you and Maggie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Bernadine,

Picturing Maggie... experiencing snow for the first time together, has me smiling BIG time... My very favorite fur baby, loved the snow!!!, TU!!! TO!!! THE!!! ABSOLUTE!!! MAX!!! She used to remind us of the Road Runner in that old Looney Tunes cartoon. Instead of running from Wile E Coyote, she ran out of sheer joy, at lightning speed, racing around the house in the snow, over and over again. When she got tired of running around the house in circles, she would make "doggie snow angels" It was the cutest thing to watch... I wish I had a short video of her doing this.

However, she HATED!!! the rain!!! as much as she loved the snow. She would refuse to go outside until the very last minute, and only when she saw Bob with an umbrella. Bob wouldn't let me share this super soft side of him with anyone, but I think he would forgive me for sharing this now. He used to get soaked, while he held the umbrella over our 90 lb fur baby's head. It used to make me laugh, sometimes so hard, tears would stream down my face. I can almost hear Bob responding to this... At least this once only very sad memory is now so very bittersweet, still more sad than happy, but hoping someday it'll be more happy than sad. I need a tissue... I'm such an emotional mess...

Thank you for the smiles... I'm trying to picture Maggie's reaction to her first time being in snow. Also, thank you for sharing, and getting me to think about two very special memories, of the two true loves in my life, who will always have the very biggest place in my heart...

Backing way up, those challenges of seeing empty places where Kenn and Bob should be... It SUCKS!!!, TU!!!, TO!!! THE!!! ABSOLUTE!!! MAX!!! (thinking I should abbreviate this to ISTUTTAM!!!, but remembering all these letters with this foggy brain thing, is a bit too difficult, lol...)

Now, time for that much needed shower...

Hope you and Maggie are having as good an evening as possible.

As always, sending you and Maggie lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi Deb. And thank you so much. And although the extreme pain I am feeling is part of the healing process, I feel like my heart is completely shattered!! And that when Keith died, a huge part of me died with him!!! And it is VERY hard for me to even "say" or type my husband's name for the same reasons it was for you to do so. It is just so extremely painful!! And just reading your thoughts about Bob walking through the front door, as well as the other things that were going through your mind was so totally heartbreaking, and made me cry!! My heart goes out to you!! And although you feel like I have bravely taken a very big step towards acceptance, I feel like I can NEVER feel free from the way too tight hold that Mr. Grief has on me!!! But thank you so much for your support and kindness, as well as your understanding.

And you're so welcome!! And I'm sending you more hugs!! As well as wishing you and us all peace!!! And I have been thinking of you, and thank you so much for your kindness as well as support.

And unfortunately, I did not have any reason to LMSO today, instead, I spent a lot of time crying, I just couldn't stop...

Take care always, and I'm so grateful for the kind and so empathetic TGW's like yourself here, as we all do need to support each other.
Debra

 

Deb, thanks so very much for your warm words and my daily (extra) hugs, I really appreciate you correspondence. I'm so glad that I still with GIC with all the Grieving Warriors, it's the best thing I did!! finding great people like you, and all the GW that open their hearts to us.
Today, for the first time I didn't invite Mr Grief to invade my brain with sorrow, my day has being calm, looking into older pictures and to my amassment didn't cry, the day was warm, like Spring is coming, but I still didn't go for a walk, one of the things to do in my list!. I will follow your advice, walk, exercise, eat well and enjoy nature. I hope tomorrow would the same as today, even so I have no LMSO.
Sending you love, joy and many many hugs.
Helena

 

Good Morning Debra, you have being in my thoughts last night, after all we are TGW and I really hope that you feel a little better today. I know very well, crying it helps, we are grieving and its painfull. Yesterday I did my best fiting Mr Grief, I started writing a Journal, looking to some all pictures and writing to Geoff, even he is not physically with me, feels like he is listening, he is in my mind and is good to keep him in my memory like yourself I didn't want to write his name, but you know Keith is with you wherever you go. I really hope that second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour you'll feel stronger after all we are TGW!!.
Please take care of yourself and your girls, sending you lots of virtual hugs.

 

Good morning, Helena
And thank you so much for reaching out to me, and keeping me in your thoughts last night. And you have been in my thoughts also. And yes, we are TGW. And crying is something that I have been doing every single day, many times a day, and it is so true, that after all, we are grieving and it is painful. And I am really not feeling better just yet today, but thank you so much for saying you hope I am, as well as for being so supportive. And I'm so glad that yesterday you did your best fighting Mr. Grief, and that you had started writing a Journal, and looked at some pictures, and you wrote to Geoff. My heart goes out to you, Helena.... and although Geoff isn't with you physically, it is so good that it feels like he is listening, and that he is on your mind, and in your memory. And I know how you feel about how you didn't want to write his name, because it is so very hard for me to write Keith's name. And thank you so much for your comforting words, and your kindness, reminding me that he is with me wherever I go, and for saying that you hope that second by second, hour by hour, and minute by minute that I will feel stronger. And I wish it will be the same for you. And it is true also, that after all, we are TGW!! And I have been taking care of myself, so I can continue to take care of my girls.
And please take care of yourself also, and you are always in my thoughts. And I'm sending you lots of virtual hugs as well,
And know that I will always be here for you.

Debra

 

Another horrendous drive home from dialysis through snow and extreme cold. Winter won't let go its icy iron grip. All I could do yesterday was sleep. Valerie would watch "Arthur"... Glad you are doin' stuff!

 

Ramble on The Deb... I love your detailed posts. Icy cold snowy drive home yestyerday from D. Winter has yet to ease its icy iron grip. It is 20 degrees right now... Whence Spring!!!!!

 

Yes this has been a brutal winter. It looks like I may be able to keep ice fishing into March. I talked with some people from Louisiana last night and they were already complaining about mosquito bites. The cartoon that I watched this morning was Daniel tigers neighborhood. There’s one with a monkey but I can’t remember the name. I like how gentle the characters exist with each other. I’m going fishing at the sacred spot today. I noticed that working on the sticks keeps my mind occupied. If I don’t find something to do I can feel Mr Grief tapping me on the shoulder. I hope you have a great day George. Gary

 

The monkey sounds like Curious George... Valerie would watch those shows cuz they were kind and soothing... Then she'd watch crazy confrontational talk and reality shows... Keep on Stickin!

 

Debra,

Keith passed away so recently... It's taken me exactly 10.5 months to get to the point I'm at now, and I still have way too many days when telling Mr. Grief to F*CK OFF!!! doesn't work... Although everyone handles and experiences grief differently, there are lots of things we have in common. I'm thinking because I had such a difficult time mentioning Bob by his name soon after I ended up here, and you told me you're having trouble mentioning Keith by his name, this could be a common problem for lots of us. I found that after awhile, it got easier to say Bob's name, and by sharing stories of some of the very best times in our lives, as well as of some of the very worst times in our lives, although very painful to do at first, each and every memory, whether happy or sad, opened those floodgates, and had me reaching for the nearest tissue..., I found sharing memories has been so helpful in this healing process.

I remember reading something Lou said shortly after he arrived and still says. Lou said he likes to keep Linda's memory alive by sharing her funny sayings. He also shared some of the very worst moments in his and Linda's lives, because he needed to talk about them. This is exactly what Tom Zuba talks about in his books. Zuba believes that it is so important to keep our loved ones memories alive because not only did they help us become the people who we are today, but they will always be with us, and we will always have a relationship with them. Love is eternal.

Tom Zuba also believes that in order to heal we must talk about all the very worst moments in our lives, the most heartbreaking painful times, to everyone and anyone who will listen. We must repeat our stories over and over and over again, until there comes a day when we no longer feel the need to repeat them, when we just can't do it one more time. It is when we're unable to repeat all the most horrific memories anymore, Tom Zuba believes Mr. Grief will no longer have power over us. I'm not sure if I fully believe this (yet), but I do believe Mr. Grief won't be able to maintain such a tight grasp on us as he does now.

Please be very gentle with yourself... When Bob first died, I didn't have any LMSO moments either. Every single day was filled with only the worst imaginable pain. I bought tissues by the case at my local warehouse. I kept a box in every room as close to me as possible. I still keep a box of tissues in every room and still use them frequently, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, I'm able to enjoy brief periods of time without Mr.Grief invading. All of these brief enjoyable moments are so very bittersweet... happy mixed with sad (I often refer to the way I feel by quoting Robin because she explained it much better than I ever could!!!), but I'm learning to accept that from now on, the rest of my life will always be a combination of happy mixed with sad. I have to accept this!!!, TU!!! This is reality from now until the time I'm reunited with Bob.

Please keep in mind, you ARE healing...!!!, when you are crying and feel like those tears will NEVER!!! stop. I know I've said this so many times, it's another one of those way past stale comments, but and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, it is so important to remember this!!! I can't stop myself from repeating it!!!, TU!!! TO!!! THE!!! ABSOLUTE!!! MAX!!!

I wish I could reach out and give you the biggest hug ever... It makes me so sad... knowing how much you're hurting... but since this isn't possible...

Sending you zillions of hugs, lots of love... wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB