My last five and a half years

To Deb and everyone on this forum.
I don't know if this makes sense but I was thinking this morning about forgiveness to ourselves. It's possible our soulmates were under so much pain and drugs they had no recollection if we were by their side or not at the very end. We don't know how much the drugs had an influence on if they knew were were there. There are some who were fortunate to be by their side and maybe they knew. Yes, I still think of not being with Jack, but I knew he felt he was loved and had time to say goodbye before the increase of drugs at the end. It's we who mourn, it's we who suffer and it's we who must forgive ourselves.
It's a journey to forgive ourselves and the reason to do so is because God has. We must be free of the shackle of guilt to eventually move on and live the best we can, until we meet our soulmate in the creators paradise.
Okay, enough of my babbling. Always, blessings to all. K

 

Gary, thanks for understanding our bereavement and your reading recomendation

Gary, thanks for following our correspondence and your condolescence. Also I'm sorry for your loss of your soulmate.
I understand that families they have their own lives and the get tired listening to our sorrow, but I'm glad that the members of GIC are so supportive of one and each other grieving of the love one. Many thanks for the books recommendation! I am very glad that we don't have to do it alone. Sending you peace and joy. Helena

 

Dear Helena and Debra You both are going to be awesome grief warriors. Most people just have enough energy to make a few responses and then we rarely hear from them. You both are very inspiring in regards to helping others. the movie the Gladiator reminds me as TGW(the grief warriors) go to battle daily with Mr Grief Sometimes we momentarily slay Mr Grief. then sometimes he lays us open. But we have each other to heal our wounds and go forward. I just got home from visiting a neighbor. The last 3 times I was there his wife asked me how am I doing? followed by the nights are the worst. Really?! This time when she asked me how I was doing I told her better but the the nights are the worst. We are always looking for a chance to have a LMSO(laugh my sad off). Instead of LMAO. Lou invented the LMSO and it went viral. Any time I get a chance to laugh I dive on it. Gary

 

Deb, you can give me all the words of wisdom and advice, I never meant for our friends in GIC, actually this is the best online supporting site and your words mean a lot to me!! I'm sending you many many cyber hugs.

 

Karen thank you for your powerful message about self forgiveness. Gary

 

Thank you Gary. I just realized a lot of people here experienced an immediate shocking death with no time to say goodbye. Disbelief at the moment of no warning. We have no say how they meet their maker, it just happens. Anger need forgiveness.

 

LMSO as well....

 

Okay, enough of my babbling. lways, blessings to all. KAREN ( QUOTE).

Gary, you always come through for new
members. I believe that Debra & Helena
are a vital part of our GIC family.Thanks
again for giving me credit: for LMSO. L

 

Hi Gary,
And thank you so very much for saying we are both going to be awesome grief warriors, and that we are both inspiring in regards to helping others. Today has been an extremely bad day for me, and I'm just wondering how I'm just going to keep going, yet I have to. And it is true that we go to battle as TGW (The grief warriors) daily, and that sometimes we slay Mr. Grief, but then sometimes he lays us open. And that we have each other to heal our wounds and go forward. Well, today was one of those days that felt like he nearly won the battle!! And I completely understand why you feel like the nights are worse, because it is the same way for me... and LMSO is something that I wish I could do, as I have cried so much today, that it has drained me completely physically and emotionally even more than it did yesterday... and I am just trying to get through each day...
And it is good that everytime you get a chance to laugh you dive on it...

Take care always and thank you so very much for your support and encouragement,

 

Debra

 

Debra, I feel your pain and it's been a year and the nights are still the hardest. When Mr. Grief comes to visit we just have to let him have his way, we can't control it. But, we are grief warriors and we are strong, we will survive and Mr. Grief will eventually ware himself out as time passes.
May I ask what part of Calif are you from? I'm in northern Calif. It's not common to see someone from Calif on this forum. Always blessings to you, Karen

 

Hi Karen
And thank you so very much for reaching out to me. And I'm so sorry for your loss. And nights are hardest for me as well. And although I know that when Mr.Grief comes to visit, we do have to let him have his way. I just wish that I was strong enough today to handle his visit! It got to much for me and I just couldn't not stop crying! But I know I will survive, and I have to get that strength back. I'm in Bakersfield, California, but I'm hoping to move out of state.
Take care always, and thank you, always blessings to you as well.
Debra

 

Debra you and Helena have just begun your grief journey. The word raw is used to describe our emotions here. Widow widowers foggy brain is a medical condition that happens when our brains dump excessive amounts of adrenaline and cortisone. The body can’t adjust which causes all kinds of emotional and physical problems. It is a living hell. I felt the same way you described. I don’t know how much longer I can do this or even can I keep going? In 6 needs of reconciliation for the Mourner it explains this is normal. But it still takes a toll. I had to bump my antidepressants up to 450mg. I tried all available sleep meds and only got temporary relief. I had to keep my foot on the brake every time I put the car in gear because I didn’t know what direction I was going. The worst thing we can do is stuff our emotions. The emotions will come out by unhealthy behaviors anger or physical illness. We have to feel to heal. Permission to Mourn is such a blessing. Is there a Visiting Nurses near you? That’s where I’ll return to in person grief meetings soon. They also offer free counseling. That’s where I’m getting additional help. We have to take care of ourselves first. Eat sleep exercise. We have to protect ourselves from people who don’t understand our grief. In the beginning I wouldn’t accept phone calls only texts because I could not control my emotions. I was told to hang with people who allow me to grieve or are neutral in my grief. I saw how kind you were to Jen and Helena. I wanted to respond sooner but Mr Grief had me temporarily paralyzed. I think that happens to all of us at times. I’m glad I finally got a message off because it made me feel better. Stumble forward is a battle cry TGW use a lot. GIC provides our fellowship but we have to seek faith knowledge and courage. We can do this together. We are warriors. TGW. Gary

 

I hear you, when you can't stop crying and just want to be alone in a shell -- let it happen. It feels hopeless, depressing as heck. I've read in many books not to suppress out grief because if we do it will come back to haunt us later on. In fact, a friend suppressed her grief after her husband died saying I'm brave I can get through this, I'm not going to grieve. Six months down the line she got very ill, told the doctor about her husband's death. She said she suppressed her grief and told me not to do that. So, as strong we seem at first, we're not -- we have to go through the weeks, months, years until we find a common ground that makes us contented to live.
I remember the first year all I wanted was for Mr. Grief to disappear, the pain, emotion the crying the depression was too much to bare, but I could not control it. Now, I cry a lot at the most unusual things, my husband's pictures, my memories at night, a dog dies on TV, the homeless, the economy, on and on.
What I want to say is, grief will change maybe not better but will change. You will get your strength back but in time.
I'm anemic now. It's due to Jack's illness and care giving. I didn't take care of myself and I didn't care -- everything was for him and I would do it over again. But now I'm paying the price of dizziness, headaches and fatigue. So my point is, try to eat even if you can't choke it down, protein shakes, fiber, etc. and exercise.
I'm curious where you may be moving to. My daughter and I are thinking about moving out of Calif and have been checking out states. It's very hard to move from family and friends. Always, blessing, Karen

 

Karen, I'm so glad you are reaching out to
Debra, with such kind words & warm
advice, based on your firsthand
experience. I am sorry that you have
symptoms like headaches. I have
anemia & take an over the counter
multivitamin. I also go to sleep the same
time every night & wake up the same time
every morning . Bc our winters are long,
we don't get as much sunshine in New
England, as you do, so I take vitamin D3.
I think walking outside in nature makes
me healthier & even happier, rather than
sitting at home, brooding over my sadness
& loneliness without Linda. I used to tease
you for your one sentence replies to
people, which is fine, but I'm glad to see
you open up about Jack, to help others. L

 

Lou, are you going back to the Shack? Or have you? Remember your name was ShackMan I think we called you.

 

Hi Gary, And thank you so much for your response. And I agree that both Helena and I have both begun our grief journeys. And the word raw is the accurate description for describing our emotions. And I also have to agree that the worst thing we can do is stuff our emotions!! And it is true that it will come out in anger, and physical illness. And we both do feel the same way in that we both question if we can go on at times. And I feel like the advice you were given to hang with people who allow you to grieve or are neutral in your grief was excellent advice!! And thank you so very much for sharing that advice with me. And unfortunately, we don't have visiting nurses here, although I wish we did. And it most definitely is a living hell we are being put through as our bodies are unable to adjust to all of the excessive amounts of adrenaline and cortisone. And I know about this because I read about it. And so I understand why you had to bump up your antidepressant doseage to 450 mg. And it is good that you will be going to some grief meetings, and that they have free counseling there. I made the mistake of telling someone who I thought was a friend about my losing my husband and she had the nerve to change the subject and tell me about her own relationship instead... and so I no longer feel like she cared what I am going through.. and consequently, I am no longer going to reach out to her. I was supportive of her when she was going some difficult times prior to this, and for her to treat me like that, well, I just can't be her friend now. And I can see why you wouldn't accept texts and only phone calls, because you couldn't control your emotions. And like mom used to say, kindness goes a long way, and so it was easy for me to be kind to Jen and Helena. And it's ok, I certainly understand that paralyzing feeling of grief that happens to all of us. And I know what you mean about sending a message off making you feel better, as it has been a good feeling for me as well. And stumble forward that TGW uses a lot does make sense to me. And I couldn't agree more, Gary, although GIC does provide fellowship, we do have to seek faith, knowledge, and courage. And we can do this together is right!! Because we are TGW warriors!!
And thank you so much again for your kind reply...
Take care always
Debra

 

Hi Karen
And thank you so much for your response. And I can relate... crying so much leaves me so emotionally and physically exhausted and feeling like I just want to be alone in a shell, I need to let it happen because to suppress it is not an option. And those books you've read on suppressing grief are totally right. It would come back to haunt us. And I'm so sorry that your friend became very ill after doing so after her husband's death. And it is true that we
have to go through the weeks, months, and years until we find a common ground that makes us content to live. And I completely understand how extremely difficult and how heartbreaking that first year was for you, when all you wanted was for Mr Grief to disappear. Having all of that pain, emotion, crying so much, and depression, well, that is way to much to bear!! And understandably, you couldn't control it. And I do feel like the things that you cry alot about are things that I would cry about also... And thank you so very much for sharing your experiences with me, and while grief may not get better, but it will change, I just have to deal with taking things one day at a time, until I do get strength back...
And I'm so sorry that you are anemic now, due to Jack's illness and caregiving... and that you have been paying the price of headaches, dizziness, and fatigue. And I know how you feel by saying that you didn't take care of yourself - that everything was for him, and you would do it all over again. Because I was my husband's caregiver also. And I would do it all over again as well. And I have not been able to eat very much since my husband passed, which has been really bad because I have been dealing with a lot of stomach pain and headaches on top of my extreme grief!! And I really should try to eat more, because if I get really sick I don't have anyone to take care of my kids. And I will try those protein shakes, thank you for mentioning those... and I'm thinking thar my daughters and I would like to move to either Arizona or Nevada, as I have sine family there. And I 'm so glad that you and your daughter are thinking of moving out of California, as I feel like it is one of the worst states to live in. And it is hard to move from family and friends, but truthfully, we are miserable here.
And once again, thank you for reaching out to me. Together, we can be supportive of each other. And please feel free to reach out anytime...
Take care, and blessings always as well.
Debra

 

Thanks for asking about the Shack, Karen.
Unfortunately, the Shack has gone
downhill, since the young daughter now
runs it, bc her mother is retiring. I don't
feel safe eating there, bc of my Celiac
needs. I don't trust the daughter, who plays favorites. & doesn't seem to care about
the customers. I found another,better,

place: Whale's Jaw Cafe. It has gluten
free wraps & soups. It also has live
music.The Cafe closes the month of June,
so the 2 women owners can travel and
& get ideas for new menu options.. I have a
new friend, Dick, who plays the drums ,&
can listen to music from rest of day. Life
is too short. Lou

 

P.S. March, not June.

S.