My last five and a half years

Helena, my close friend, Deb, who lives in
your state, told me that she was "talking"with you recently. I am so
sorry about your husband's death. I'm
also sad that you have no family nearby.
I know that terrible feeling of being so
alone & crying all the time.My wife ,
Linda, died suddenly in front of me over 3
years ago. She was 68. We were married
25 years, no children,like you & your
husband.May I ask his name? It has
helped me to say Linda's.She was my
best(& only) friend & family. I was in
shock & saw a grief counselor. She
suggested this wonderful site. with kind
people, but I didn't join until July of this
year. I still miss Linda every day & get
choked up but don't weep like I did, in the
beginning. I still have dreams about her,&
woke up crying in the middle of the
night. I got on GIC, & found the comforting
words of Debra, & I saw that the 2 of you
were "talking". I replied to her. My user
name is Van Gogh, but my name is Lou.
I live on the northern coast of Massachusetts. Hope we can talk again.
Patti is also in your state , & has become
a good friend, also. Lou

 

Debra, it means a lot to me that many miles away you unconditinally have open your heart to me, and listens to my sorrow, you know exactly how one feels as you are going the same sad road, loosing you love one! Thanks a lot for you support, and now you are also in my thoughs.

 

Jen, I'm so sorry about the death of your
husband & soulmate, especially at such a
young age. My wife, Linda , died in front
of me, in her room in a rehab unit of a
nursing home. She was 68. We were
married 25 years. She went to the
hospital, & then, the rehab unit, for
physical therapy while she was fighting
both breast cancer & a mysterious pain
in her back, which required pain medicine.
I always had to ask the nurses for more,
but they felt Linda could become addicted.
Like you, it was heartbreaking to see my
wife deteriorate slowly. One day, I was in a
store & got a call from Linda's cancer
doctor, who gave me the devastating news
that Linda's cancer had spread. I tried to
pull myself together, & quietly asked what
we coulddo now. She mentioned
chemotherapy. I said that I would rush to
her .She said I was a good husband,
& I almost lost it. When I arrived in Linda's
room, her favorite nurse was next to her
bed,&had told her the news.I hugged
Linda. She looked at the nurse & me,
and said she'd beat this thing. I believed
her bc she had such a strong character. But, it was not meant to be. I think that
the fact she was sedentary at our
apartment, and then lying down in bed
at both the hospital & nursing home,
contributed to her collapse. Her death
was due to pulmonary embolism. I was in
shock & went to a grief counselor. She
suggested GIC. My wife died over 3 years
ago, but I didn't join this site until July of this year. You mentioned Deb & Patti.
They have become close friends of mine.
I never had a brother, but I'm the oldest
of 3 other brothers here: Gary, George,
and Chad. Others have moved on. I really
hope you can stay with us. As I ask others,
may I ask your husband's name ? It has
helped me to say Linda's. Lou

 

Good morning, Helena, and thank you so much for your reply. And I have opened my heart to you unconditionally, and I will always listen to your sorrow. We are both going through extreme grieve and bereavement, and so we both know how each other feels... and you're so welcome, you will always have my support as well. No matter how far we are apart from each other, you will be in my thoughts. And thank you so much for your support as well. Please feel free to reach out to me anytime...

 

Lou, thanks a lot, it means a great deal knowing that GIC is one of the supporting sites where we can talk about our sorrow without judgement and shallow words that we don't need to hear.
My partner, husband, companion of 50 years his name was Geoffrey and also he was my only friend!!! I can't stop crying and make so many spelling mistakes, too many tears, I will continue latter....

 

Karen,

As always, your advice is right on target, so heartfelt...,with your gift for keeping it short, to the point. I also struggled,and still struggle, because I wasn't by Bob's side when he died. I know there's no use beating myself up over it, but knowing this, doesn't stop me from doing it. I'm going to do my best to follow your advice, and forgive myself. I know Bob wouldn't want me to feel so miserable..., so sad..., just as Jack, and Jen's husband, wouldn't want you to feel this way.

I'm going to repeat your excellent advice and pray it sinks in soon... Caregiving is the most exhausting...,draining job in the entire world, both physically and emotionally!!!, TU!!! (first one of the day). You are so right... We did the very best we could under the very worst circumstances, alone..., frazzled to the max!!!, TU!!!. You said it so perfectly, we need to forgive ourselves. Jack, Bob, and Jen's husband, knew how much we loved them. This is what matters most.

I'm not caught up on messages, and want to take a long walk today, so I'm not sure if you've posted messages I haven't read. I hope you are feeling at least a little bit better, and have one LMSO kind of moment today...

As always, sending you and Rambo lots of hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Helena, thank you for answering me this
morning. It means a lot to me. The first
thing I do every morning is to check on
my friends on GIC. We care about each
other., & as my friend, Deb says, "get it".
You & I are about the same age. When
Linda died, I didn't care if Iived or died.
I had a health scare recently, in the
middle of the night, & had to go to the
ER. A strange thing happened. I prayed to
God that I could live past the cold. dark
winter,& enjoy walking outside in the
spring & summer. God answered my
prayers. I read that Debra said you had
read The Widower's Notebook. I
recommended Jonathan's book to GIC.
I also recommended Permission to
Mourn, by Tom Zuba. Everybody on this
site is moved by his inspiring story. I look
forward to "talking " with you again,
Helena. Don't worry about typos. It's
more important let the words flow from
the heart.
Lou

 

Helena,

No words of wisdom..., no advice, this morning. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, wrapping you in zillions of virtual hugs... Backing up just a bit, Lou has made our conversations so much more "real" by asking all of us to share the names of the one true love of our lives. By asking us to share our loved ones names, Lou has brought us together, made us so much closer as a group, and for this I am so very grateful.

I'm so glad you've decided to remain part of our group, but once again, so sorry you have to be here. It SUCKS!!!

Sending you even more hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Helena and Debra,

Debra, I don't think I've "met" you yet, so I want you to know how truly sorry I am that you have to be here, but how glad I am that you found us. It SUCKS!!!, but the comfort we get from sharing the most heartbreaking experience in our lives with people who "get" it, is the absolute best. Both you and Helena are right on target, no one can possibly even remotely "get" it, until the most heartbreaking experience, losing the one true love of their lives, happens to them. This is NOT!!!, TU!!! something I would want to happen to my very worst enemy. The pain..., the feeling like our hearts have been torn in half..., is almost way too much to bear..., almost way to difficult to comprehend..., the one true love of our lives will NEVER be able to come home again. Having people tell us we will "get over it" in time, and that our loved ones are in a "better place," is way beyond ridiculous, and so NOT!!! the least bit comforting, or helpful, as those who don't "get" it, think it will be.

Backing up just a bit, I HATE!!! when those who haven't experienced this total heartbreak tell us that our loved one is in a "better place," but I don't mind when others who have lost the one true love of their lives say this to me. Yes, I'm glad my husband, Bob, is no longer suffering, but, and this is one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, does this make me feel any better, NO WAY!!!, TU!!! It is a very bittersweet thing, OTOH I'm glad he's out of all the excruciating pain he had to endure for way too many years, but and this is a very BIG BUT!!!, I miss him with all my heart, and always will.

I find some comfort in knowing that he is watching over me, just as I believe everyone else's one true love of their lives is watching over them, and I no longer fear death. I know when it's my turn to leave this earth, I will be reunited with Bob. Love is eternal. No one, and absolutely nothing, can EVER!!! take this away.

Stopping here for now. So much more I want to say, but I really want to take a long walk. One of my favorite ways of keeping Mr Grief (the way Karen, a GIC friend describes it, and now has become the way lots of us refer to grief), from suffocating me, is by getting as much fresh air, sunshine, and exercise as I possibly can.

I hope both of you have at least one reason to smile today...

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

It's so nice to hear we are all together in this very sad journey of mourning our best and friend wife or husband, and all the widows and widowers in this site are very compasionate and emphatetic which I don't find with my sisters that I comunicate sometimes via email or a phone call. Today seems to be one of my worst day, I can' stop sobbing outloud, grieving is so hard, too hard, I'm so tired and wondering if this my new reality living alone with a broken heart!

 

Helena, it's been over 3 years since my
wife & soulmate, Linda, died. I miss her
every day, dream about her, & sometimes
cry, but not with the loud sobbing "out
loud" as you said. As Deb said, it's
important to try to push yourself outside
& enjoy the walk in the fresh air, & to see
the nature around you.After a very cold,
dark, & sometimes, snowy winter, I'm
looking forward to seeing the spring
flowers & hear the birds sing again. It's
good to see people smiling again. I'm
blessed to live in a small seaside town,
& have made friends with people who
never knew Linda. What is it like where
you are? I know it's warmer than New
England! Lou

 

Lou, I'm in small country town close to a lake. Beginning of 2020 we isolated due to covit as Geoff's inmune system was weak, we took precautions not to get out. I was full time caregiver of my beloved husband.
Due to the radiations from his troat cancer he developed different pulmonar infections starting with dysphagia and aspiraton pneumonia. Last October I took him to ER, after a week in hospital, he was discharged with oxygen therapy 24/7, I though he will get better to celebrate our weadding anniversary December 23rd, he did!, we only look into our eyes and new 'this is our last year together' we didn't have to talk. A month later he left me alone, three days before he died had a siezure and I remember reclyning towards him asking, 'please, please don't leave me alone'. The ambulance came they took him to palliative care. On January 23rd my dearest partner and only friend left me after the most beautifull 50 years together.
The weather here is a little warmer than New England, but I still haven't go out for a long walk like I used to. I know, I have to take care of myself physically and mentally I'm still here! Thanks for people like yourself, Deb, Patti and so many supporting widows and widowers from GWC I'll continue chatting without judgement. Helena

 

Helena, that is a truly heartbreaking story
about Geoff & your unconditional love

for each other.You cared for him 24/7.,
which took its' toll on you, but he loved &
appreciated you for being by his side.
When you get some sleep & feel stronger,
maybe you can walk in town & see the
lake. When Linda & I didn't live by the
ocean, we liked being by a body of water:
a lake, river, or pond, for our serenity.
Lou

 

Hi Deb, and thank you so much for your reply, as well as your condolences. It is so true that this is the most heartbreaking experience ever!!! And it definitely does SUCK!! And you have it right in target when you describe this as it's as if our "hearts are being torn in half" and I definitely understand how you feel, that although Bob is no longer suffering that it does not make you feel better. I couldn't agree more, as I feel the exact same way about my husband...and I also agree that when it our time to leave this earth, that we will be reunited because love is eternal, and that no one can take that away from us!! And h

 

Hi Deb, my earlier message to you got sent accidentally before I was finished typing... and we haven't "met" but thank you so much for your reply, as well as your condolences. And I couldn't agree more that this is definitely the most heartbreaking experience in our lives, and it definitely does SUCK!! And it does feel like our hearts are being torn in half!! And I totally HATE so much more than I can express when anyone says that my husband is in "a better place" !! And I certainly understand also why you feel like although Bob is no longer suffering that it does not make you feel the sane way because of the fact that I feel exactly the same way about my husband! And I totally agree also that when it is our turn to leave this earth, we will be reunited because absolutely NO one and nothing can EVER take this away!!
And I hope you enjoyed your walk and that your weather was sunny and you enjoyed the fresh air, and I'm thinking that I and my girls should go for walks as well, and so we will start doing that. And hopefully it did help to keep Mr Grief away! And thank you so much again, Deb, for reaching out to me. And I'm sending you hugs as well as wishing you and the other so very kind and caring members here peace. And you will be in my thoughts..
Take care always,
Debra

 

Thank you Lou for your support and kind words. Please take care of yourself. Helena

 

Greetings Helena and Debra. I am very sorry for both of your loses. I have been enjoying your correspondences to each other. I like how you’ve become great friends willing to help each other so quickly. My name is Gary and I lost my girlfriend Cheryl to a cardiac arrest over 9 months ago. Like everyone else here I know the shock of losing a soulmate. I started grief support meetings and therapy right away but didn’t find GIC until last October. This site is a lifesaver. My friends and family burned out quickly on hearing my grief. I felt alone and forsaken. Now I don’t. I’m glad you both found this place too. The first book I read was “the long road back”. The second was “Permission to Mourn”. The book Permission to Mourn allows me to express my grief with the assurance Cheryl is still with me in her non physical presence. Google “6 needs of reconciliation for the Mourner”. This is a short article of how our bodies and minds respond to grief. And how other people respond to us. Like everyone else here I’ve never experienced so much emotional suffering, physical pain, loneliness, and confusion. (Sorry to have to say that) But I no longer have to do it alone. And neither do you. Gary

 

Hi, Gary
And thank you so much for reaching out to me as well as for your condolences. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your soul mate, Cheryl. I know how extremely painful and so difficult it is to go through so much grief. And I'm so sorry as well that your friends and family burned out quickly on hearing your grief, leaving you to feel alone and forsaken...that's terrible! And I'm glad that I as well as the other members here found GIC also. And thank you for saying you have been enjoying I and Helena's correspondence and that you like how quickly we became great friends willing to help each other. And for mentioning the "Long road back" and "Permission to mourn". I would like to read both of those books, as well as the article, " 6 needs of reconciliation for the mourner". And it is so good that Cheryl is still with you in her non physical presence. And at the same time, it is so true that throughout our grief we experience so much emotional suffering as well as physical pain, loneliness, and confusion. And I'm so glad that you no longer have to do it alone, and I am so looking forward to when I don't have to also. And I'm sure Helena is as well. And please feel free to reach out to me anytime, Gary.... and you will be in my thoughts.
Take care always,
Debra