My last five and a half years

Thank you so much Deb!! This journey is impossibly painful and difficult, but somehow we are still making it through the journey one step at a time. I greedily wish for Steve to know how much I regret everything, and wish I was a better supporting helper than I was. But it is what it is. Damn that expression. Always minimizing, always true and always annoying! Thank goodness we are able to connect here. I’m so incredibly grateful for the wisdom and love that is ubiquitous here. Life can really SUCK! Yes, Deb, you have established this eloquently! But look at us! We are joining together and surviving.

We will survive. And we will celebrate the joy of knowing that love never dies.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Deb

 

Deb,

My heart is with you and Charlie at this time.

 

Karen,

It's so good to "see' you!!!, TUTTAM!!! Thank you so much for the GIANT!!! hug and kisses... from both me & Skye. Hugs and kisses are one thing we can NEVER!!! get enough of!!!, TUTTAM!!! I say this so often, it's probably way past stale, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, I just can't seem to stop myself from repeating myself, something I do all too often, lol...

Sending lots more hugs and love to you and Winky, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Deb,

I'm so very sorry that Charlie isn't doing well. A sick fur baby is always so over the top heartbreaking... It's especially difficult because Charlie was there for both your dad, and Steve right, before they passed away. He shared the very worst moments in your life, but I'm thinking also shared some of the very best ones too. Charlie is a very important member of your family.

Charlie is lucky to be part of your family. I can tell how much you love him, how much he means to you. I believe with all my heart, Charlie knows this. I like to think that when Bob died, he was reunited with all of our furry family members who passed away before him, and when it's Charlie's turn to pass over that Rainbow Bridge, he'll be reunited with your dad and Steve... I believe there is a special place in heaven for all of our very much loved, furry family members...

No need to ever apologize for how you feel!!!, TUTTAM!!! NO!!!, I do not think you sound weird and crazy!!!, TUTTAM!!! I believe we are all connected too. The death of those who are closest to us, forces us to stop and reflect on the meaning of life. Out of all of our pain and suffering, we learn so much about life, things that we might never have thought about, if we were never forced to confront the finality of it. Life and death are part of the circle of life.

As always, sending you and your precious fur babies, lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Thank you Deborah, I would love to offer you a cappuccino, in fact it would be so wonderful if you could all fly out here, arranging to arrive at the same time, I would get a taxi and come and meet you all at the airport.
Rose.

 

I can't believe after reading everyone's posts this morning that we really do have a "special connection" together, that we were meant to meet, like some of you have said. Even the weather is the same, we had a few rare sunny days, but now that horrible rain is back again, and according to forecasts, it's here to stay, for the rest of the week!
I got up extra early again this morning, thinking what a long, miserable day would be in store for me, but when I read all the posts I missed yesterday, you have all reanimated my soul, giving me a boost to start my day with more hope and motivation. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you... I would like to write this a thousand times but my fingers would eventually start getting confused, typing odd characters.
Sending an enormous hug to each and everyone of you. Here goes, I hope I don't miss anyone: Lou, Robin, Karen, George, Deb, Deborah, Nicole, Helena, Bernadine, Gary, Georgine, Daisy, our new member Jackie and others who perhaps don't write often but will please forgive my "foggy brain" if I have forgotten the names of at this moment, you are all equally in my heart.
Rose.

 

DEB, I was out dancing late last night, and
so tired that all I could do was to put a
"LIKE"to your late afternoon post, ( bc
I always like your posts!), and read it this
am at a breakfast spot in a nearby city. It's
still gray, gloomy, and cool, strange for
May 1st. I feel gloomy & weepy this
morning, and think of a singer who Linda
admired: the sad Karen Carpenter, who
sang," Rainy Days and Mondays Get Me
Down" . You got that right. Like Summer
( Robin), I know my spirits will be lifted
with the sunnier, warmer days of summer.
Not only will I keep on dancing, but, God
willing , dance to bands outside.I love that
you use the word "morphed"to describe
my transformation to a "better version"
of myself, even though , in the beginning,
I thought the word had a sci fi feel. I
notice Rose has been using that word, also.
As far as the many nicknames I use for
myself, I owe my inventiveness to my
younger brother, George, also known as
Lombardo Da Vinci, for his art work. Out
of his own boredom and disgust with his
hard life of grief over Valerie and his
f*cked up dialysis, has come amusing
names for himself, and for all of us,
" Debarino from TUTTAMVILLE" . Lou T.

 

Deborah A, in the movie, In and Out, the
main character , played by Kevin Kline,
breaks out of his self imposed prison, in a


dance to Gloria Gaynor's, " I Will
Survive". Recently, I DMSO ( Dance My
Sad Off), as I told brother Gary, to that
very song, with other uninhibited
maniacs on the dance floor. Thank you
for sharing, Deb. Lou "Travolta".....

 

Deb,

I am new to the site, as you know, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling guilt. While my guilt attacks have been dissipating,
they reoccur occasionally with a vengeance as they did this morning. I often envy surviving spouses like you, DEB, Lou, Rose and the other grief warriors who did so much to care for their spouses who had severe health issues. Except for attending many doctor's visits as well as caring for Pierre after he suffered an injury (broken hip), I was not a caregiver in the sense that you all were. Instead, I pushed Pierre to eat well and be active. We lived a full life enjoying only each other --- until the end. And, the end was unspeakably tragic as it was sudden. An example of my guilt is that I have often wondered if I pushed him too hard. We both worked outside quite a bit gardening and beautifying our property. I know that I was terrified of losing him, which is why I wanted him to remain active. Another example of guilt: Shortly before Covid hit us, Pierre asked me to prepare a chicken dish which he loved. I told him that I was too tired after having worked throughout the day in the house. To this day, I cannot and will not prepare that dish -- for anyone. If only I had prepared it. And, there are so many "if onlys" - arent't there?
Dr. Bill Webster on his "Grief Journey" website discusses guilt in one of his videos. I think that it is helpful to watch.

Perhaps one of the ways we can fight guilt after rccovering from crying (the tears are reputed to be physiologially good) -- is not just to think of the good memories, but to also think of the good that you did for Bob. This may be a strong way of caring for yourself.

I wanted to send these thoughts to you before the day continues so that it might provide some comfort; particularly in dealing with Charlie's health issue.

Love,
Georgine

 

Georgine, as I told DEB this morning, I
woke up feeling weepy and sorry for
myself, when I looked out my window,
at a gray, gloomy, and cold day. It's an
insult at this point, bc it's May 1st, and
the flowers have bloomed. You and DEB
are experiencing warmer temps ( though
sometimes with terrible thunderstorms).
I've always been sensitive to the sadness
of other people. Linda used to tease me
gently when I used to cry at certain
scenes in a movie. She didn't, but cried
more when she became ill and sedentary.
I've become an empath since Linda's
death, and cried about your chicken
dinner story. The important thing that my
grief counselor taught me, is that our
soulmates, Linda and Pierre , knew we
loved them, and were there for them.
One correction, Georgine: DEB's ( from your state)husband was Bob. Deborah A.'s
( Deb, from Minn.) husband was Steve.
Hate to correct you, bc I was oversensitive
and used to get angry with Karen, when
she spotted my typos. Now, it's a running
gag between us, and I've learned to laugh
at myself. Lou

 

Thank you, Lou. You are truly sensitive and compassionate. And, thank you for the correction. I had known the correct names but
mistakenly inserted Bob's name instead of Steve. I am glad you corrected me.

 

Thank you for saying I'm " truly sensitive
and compassionate". I think all of The
Grief Warriors are. How could we not be,
after the most devastating, tragic event of
our lives: the deaths of our soulmates?
Living by the ocean, I'm struck by the
analogy of the waves of grief to the
changing waves of the sea, sometimes
calm and sometimes stormy.....Lou

 

You are welcome. And your inclusion of all of The Grief Warriors and your analogy is perfect.

 

Dear Deb, and all of us who are navigating grief ❤️:

Thank you so much for your extraordinarily empathetic message!! I’m just bumbling through these last four weeks of school, but during all of this I embrace my fellow travelers: Charlie and Darwin. Like Skye, they have given me every scrap of love they have to offer. I love how you include Skye in your messages, Honestly, I have watched them miss Steve, and I know all of us who have furry companions know that these beings feel love, loss, companionship and friendship in ways that we can’t completely understand. But they are here with us and for us. Thank goodness! Love in these circumstances is still extraordinary and honest, sincere love. It strikes me as being so profound that across species, love is unmistakable!

Someday, I truly hope that we will be able to meet, have lunch together and share our scars as we journey through the universe with grief as our most honest, consistent companion. It is the cost of love. Thank goodness and thank the universe for love! I am so glad that love brought us here! Now I sound quite sappy. So maybe my name should be Sappy Deb ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

 

Oh Lou, the weather's the same here! It's been pouring down, for two days non-stop! And there's more on the way! We're still wearing woolly jumbers and coats, we should be in t-shirts, and I have lit my fireplace again . Wow, there really is climate change! Usually, down here in the South, the beach resort season would have been officially open, but I think it will be postponed! Look at this picture, I don't know if you can see that heavy rain, but it looks more like a November morning, not a May spring one. Foggy brain, foggy days.

 

Thank you Deborah, your posts are always so comforting to read, especially for me with my time difference, it's usually first thing in the morning, perfect to give me strength to start my day.

Rose

 

Rose, just like you said to Deborah, about
starting the day, reading her post, I enjoy
reading yours. It means a lot to me when
you greet me by name. I feel like we've
met in person,through your descriptive
words of your life in Italy. Like Robin,
who I've nicknamed Summer,I know the
3 of us will get through this weird, dark
early May. Your photo says it all,and I
do get the rain soaked image. The funny"foggy brain, foggy days"
that you mentioned, is the same phrase
I used when my main female dance
partner drove me home late, on such a
night, and she laughed. Lou

 

Dear Rose,

Right now I am so often feeling excluded in my life and career. This message from you is so very very much needed and the opposite of excluding!! I’m so incredibly grateful for this! Thank you!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

 

Rose,

Although it's a miserable, more like November, then May morning, this picture is so very beautiful!!!, TUTTAM!!! I've always wanted to visit Italy, but since I don't think I'm going to be lucky enough to be able to travel to your county, I LOVE!!! reading your descriptions, and looking at the wonderful pictures you post.

Foggy widow brain, foggy day, seems to sum it up for me too, but, and this is another one of those really BIG!!! BUTS!!!, even when the sun is showering the earth in warmth, the cobwebs still remain in my brain... I wish I could spring clean my brain, lol...

I hope Mother Nature is in a much better mood ASAP!!! in your corner of the world...

As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye

 

Deb,

What a beautiful message. Reading it over my first cup of caffeine this morning, made me smile. I don't think you sound sappy at all, TUTTAM!!! Your heartfelt message makes me want to give you an in person hug, but since this isn't possible, sending you a GIANT!!! virtual hug all the way from TUTTAMVILLE.

Sending lots of hugs and love to you, Charlie and Darwin, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB & Skye