my heart hurts...

On November 20th, 2020 i woke up at around 3:22PM with a message on my phone and a missed call from someone I didn't know. The message was from my youngest sons then girlfriend. she told me that my oldest son was found dead that morning. I wasn't sure I read the message correctly and while trying to respond a call came in from my Step Mother. She informed me that my oldest child, Kevin, was found dead that morning by his girlfriend from a Heroine overdose.

Ever since I got that message and phone call my world has been an emotional roller coaster.

I can't sleep, I don't really want to eat and when I do its usually something that's not exactly good for me. I want to drink myself into oblivion but i realize that won't help me any. i want to be alone but then again I really don't. I don't want to interact with anyone except to pass time and to keep me from feeling this pain. I fully realize that avoidance isn't going to help me any but I can't bring myself to care.

i wake up crying when I do finally manage to go to sleep and I wake up after being asleep for 2 hours. i finally had to ask my job for a few days off because i am constantly crying at work or bitching someone out. I need help .

 

My daughter died November 18th 2020 suddenly from a brain stem bleed.
What you wrote is how I am feeling also.
I sleep for a couple hours and wake up even with the sleeping pills Dr.
Prescribed . I'm eating a bunch of junk but I'm not drinking at all.
And I want too drink myself into oblivion .
At first my blood pressure shot up into the danger zone and my hair fell out
As bad as when I was on chemo.
I don't know how I'm going to get thru this either

 

I’m in the same horrible boat. My beautiful daughter died on 12-10-2020 in a car accident. She was my whole world the sweetest kid the brightest smile. I don’t know how to keep going and then you see posts from people who are 8 or 15 years out and still feel no better. What kind of future is that. I’m scared and I want to be with my baby girl. Keianna 25

 

I found my eight-year-old son dead. My other son watched him die. My daughter held him while they brought him back but it did not last but a couple of hours. We are here for each other. Please reach out sending hugs. It suck and I send so much love to you and everyone above.

 

Sending love my friend. I put on a weight eating crap sleep is terrible.

 

I don't think it matters what year it is I don't feel it will get better this is just it for me. What I have today the pain the uneasy feeling is it forever.

 

Of course you are scared. Every bit of this new life is something you never expected. Hold on. It does get better. Your life will stabilize to a new way if you can wait for time to help you heal. My son was my whole world too. We did everything together. What a great hole this leaves in our heart. It is like someone tore a big piece of your heart out and it will take time to heal. I often wanted to ask people, can you heal a broken heart? Of course no one could but God. There is still life for you on the other side of this grief. It is a path no one would ever choose for themselves, but it has been chosen for us. Walk through it until you get to the other side where there is light again. Strength and love to you, Chris

 

You don't have to walk the road of grief alone. We are here for you to help you in any way we can.

 

I am at two months now. People go on with their lives when mine is in shambles. I feel so lonely I have two sons 18 and 20 and it makes me so sad that they are dealing with this they are just babies and I don’t want to ruin their lives but I feel empty inside. I just can’t imagine dealing with this pain for the rest of my life and they deserve better but I don’t know how to get there.

 

So very sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter. The walk of grief is a slow walk. Two months is not very far out from the tragedy, I am sorry to say. Have patience with yourself. Although it seems impossible to go on without her, I want to encourage you to hang in there. I felt like you that I could not possibly make it one more day. I thought God had made a mistake when He said he will never give us more than we can bear. I said you must be wrong about this. I cannot bear up under this pain. I could not believe this had happened to me. I said to myself this couldn't have really happened--this is too terrible to have happened." I asked a counselor why I felt a hundred people had died instead of just one. He told me it was because Shawn played that many roles in my life. He asked me what I saw myself doing ten years down the road. I thought, "You must be kidding. I can't make it another day.

 

But it turned out it wasn't God who was wrong, but me, because here I am 20 years down the road. So I encourage you to hold on and for now just try to get through each day. It will get better. You can survive. If you need someone to talk with, send me your phone number and I will call you. You have gone through a shocking, disturbing occurrence in your life that you never asked for and never imagined. Be good to yourself, take good care of yourself, and trust God to bring you through this awful nightmare.

 

Thank you for your response. I loved her sooo much and she was just a great daughter sister and friend. I feel the same way this couldn’t have happened to me. It scares me when I see that moms who are twenty years out still don’t feel better. I have had chronic pain from back surgery for 18 years. I am 48 years old and now God takes my baby girl. This is more than I can bare I don’t understand what or why but the thought of 20 more years like this???

 

Wow, am I in the right place. I’ve only read a few posts at top but have exactly, exactly the same conditions. I did start to drink when my son died. I don’t know if the pain will ever subside. I’m going on to read more posts.

 

I can’t feel anything and I don’t care about anything, not even myself. I feel blame and guilt with almost a self imprisonment. I blame myself like I dropped the ball on my life’s work. I created, shaped and spent twenty years of life on this creation. Now what, I have nothing.

 

I am so very sorry to learn of your loss. Yes, the loss of a son is certainly devastating. You are in the beginning of a grief walk that isn't easy. In fact, it is very hard-the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We lost our 28 year old son as a result of suicide. I knew I would not be able to bear the heavy weight and pain of the grief. I told God that He must have been wrong when he said he would not allow more to strike us than we can bear. I encourage you to hang in there. Yes it is a life and death struggle you are in for your own life. You are able to do this. It has been 20 years since we lost our son. I also didn't think I could bear up under the pain and heavy, heavy weight of grief. I found out that, true to his word, God can carry us through such a thing as we cannot bear alone. I pray you will find an inner strength and that you will reach out to God for help. He is willing to carry you through this awful tragedy, if you will call on Him. I am a testimony to the fact that you can make it through and find a purpose in living again. Please stay in touch with us because we care about you.

 

It is easy to blame ourselves with this kind of a loss.--I guess almost everyone does. It is an attempt to go back and change the circumstances so that you can regain your child. "If only I did this or that, or didn't do this or that, I would still have my child with me." You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Be kind to yourself. You really need it at a time like this. I love and care about you. Chris

 

Hi, Jen. Just saw this. You are feeling very discouraged and probably fear you are stuck in this terrible place forever, but don't give up hope. Not much time at all has passed since you lost your dearly beloved son. You are longing to see him and hold him again. Unfortunately there is no way we can go back and change the circumstances of the burden we have been given to bear. But there are people who care about you. Continue to reach out and draw strength to go on from others, until you are strong enough to walk again. You are still in the infancy stages of grief, and just like a child, it will take you a while to learn to go on and find purpose in your life. Don't give up on yourself or on believing that things will not always be this bad. Love and hugs, Chris

 

I hear your cry for help. We are here for you because we care. Of course you need help. We all do. We are walking this road of grief together, and as the song said, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." Well you are my sister and I care about you. I put my arm around you and say, I am here for you. You can do this with the help of others and God. Please let us know if you are still on this website and how things have been going since December. We love you. Chris

 

Hi, Tara. I want you to know that I am 20 years out and I do feel better. This is not a lifelong sentence of despair. Yes, I miss my son. Everyone copes with this kind of loss differently. We all have to find our way out of this darkness as best we can. When our tragedy first happened, I thought it was a situation like any other where you had to be strong and 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps'. I found out how wrong I was. There was no way I was going to be able to do this by myself. I was very aware that only God could help me. Not even other people were much of a help at all. My way was to train myself to not let the thoughts of despair invade my mind. Whenever I felt them trying to overtake me, I would say to myself, "Don't think about that. You can't think about that now." That was my way of getting past the overwhelming feelings of grief which are practically unbearable. I kept waiting on God to help me, and He did. It didn't happen overnight, but I hung on until the pain began to let up a little. And little by little I eventually found my way out of that darkness and into God's marvelous light. He carried me the whole way. My life is not as I would have chosen it, as yours isn't. But somewhere along the way you can start a new life. We have been left here without our child for a reason. We still can be of some use to someone who is hurting. You may not be able to do that right now, but some time in the future your life will be used for good.
I do not believe God took your baby girl. The awful circumstances of life took her. God never intended it to be this way from the beginning. He intended us to live in a Garden of Eden forever, but man chose the way of death, and we have all been suffering for it ever since. Soon there will be no more death, crying, or sorrow. It will all be done away with.
This is a temporary situation that will change. Don't give up hope. You can make it. We are here to support you. Keep in touch. Chris

 

I made an error, my daughter died OCTOBER 18th 2020. Not in November.
I have read back on the posts from this thread and each and every one of you
DECRIBE how I feel too. Today I'm stuck inside, it's 113 degrees outside and that's how I cope
With my heartache. Tending to my garden. I read that to cope with grief is to do what you know
How to do. It's getting me thru the days . Today I'm so depressed, I miss my girl....