My first love died

I recently found out my first love died a few months ago. I hadn’t seen or talked to him in 35 years and I am surprised by grief. I’ve been crying and feel deep pain. I long to talk to him and am sad that I never talked to him in all those years. He’s a huge part of my story. He has been on my mind constantly for the 4 months since I first learned he died. Always in my heart and memory.

 

I lost my love over 30 yrs ago. It was an affair for 2 years, I separated from my spouse at that time. I ended it because my spouse threatened I would lose my children and he beat my lover up badly and told me if I didn’t break things off he would kill him. I broke things off to save him I was heartbroken for many years. My spouse moved to another state for his job. My spouse got terminally ill passed away in 1998 and told me the guy I loved came looking for me a year after we moved. My spouse told him I was over him and was happy. He lied. I found out that the guy built a gyrocopter and crashed into a mountain in 1989. I now cannot stop thinking about him. I pulled up his cemetery plot and his yearbook picture. I wonder if he was heartbroken about us or was it an accident. I have no one to contact. His x wife whom I met during that time is still alive but I don’t dare contact her since she knew about our affair and he was going to leave her for me. So now all I can do is think about the memories of love and happiness I had with him.

 

Was searching groups and found you here. Hope you are doing ok! Miss talking with you

 

I am so sorry. I lost mine too. He passed in 2003 Last time I saw him was in 92. Found out this year he had passed

 

Hi! This was my first post on this site. When nobody replied, I found our other conversation and could relate so much to what you were sharing.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss. Old feelings resurfaced for me too. Also, I often wish I would have contacted him again, and I wonder about his life. I don’t talk to anybody about it anymore because I feel like people thing I should be over it by now. This is a safe place to share whatever.

 

I think when I first found out, I thought about reaching out to his wife at the time, but I don't want to drum up memories which were not pleasant for her in 1983. I can't help to ask myself if I caused his accident or suicide. I wish I would have known more about his death in 1989. It's horrible not to know all the unanswered questions I have about his death. I saved nothing cards, gifts, notes, pictures etc, my spouse made sure I burned everything he and I shared. I have never been over him even through all these years I went on with life and always wished he would come find me . I have no one to talk to either. Everything is flooding back and I barely sleep now. I am glad I found this place to talk to someone who understands how I feel. It feels like I have to grieve behind closed doors. He was my soulmate. I lived a very unhappy life with my spouse when he threatened me about ever seeing him. The guy never knew when I broke things off.

 

That is devastating. I was crying silently in bed beside my husband when I first found out. It’s been a year since I found out he died, and I still think about him all the time every day. Some days I go into a really painful state of mind still. My heart is broken and I will carry this always. Before I found out he died, he was a memory that I had compartmentalized and I would go periods of time without thinking of him. I used to Google his name maybe once every 6 months (that’s how I found out he died, his obituary came up). Was it that way with you? Did you only think of him from time to time? Is there a grave you can visit?

 

There was a lot of turmoil during our time together because of my spouse. I didn't start looking for him until 1995 when I got a computer and nothing ever showed up so I figured he went on with his life and was happy, but yes I thought about him ever so often and thought once my children were old enough I would leave my spouse and contact him, but when my spouse told me about him coming where we moved and never told me until his death bed, then I was so upset/angry and knew once spouse passed I would search for him, I searched and nothing, his name was was no where to be seen, I figured he was happy .. so I again went on with life, and would think about him from time to time. I found a picture of his grave site just a few days ago. He lived in the same location..FLorida and I moved to Philly but now I live in Texas. I constantly think about him and cry now of our memories. While we were together I miscarried his child at 4 mths, he never knew,. My spouse found out talking to the doctor. I wish I would have stood up to my spouse back in the 80s but I was just afraid of him. I ruined my life staying married, but I stayed for my kids. I am remarried and still so unhappy especially now finding all this out. BTW< My name is Susan

 

I beat myself up for decisions I made back then and for the way I behaved sometimes. It helps me to remember that I didn’t know then what I know now, with age comes wisdom, and the did the best I could. I acted the only way I knew how at the time.

My grief came pouring out of me for a long time. It has calmed a bit, but for months I had to do things to express the grief. I typed notes in my phone while waiting in the doctor’s office (poems, thoughts, and pretend text messages to him). I texted my niece who lives out of state and told her the whole story. I stayed up at night and wrote him a letter, painted small kindness stones. Then I was able to go to his grave (2 1/2 hour drive) and read the letter and left some painted stones. After that I kept writing to him almost every night until after a few months I just stopped (20 pages). I told him everything that was coming up for me. I went back to the grave and read it all. I burned the first letter and tore up the second and threw it in the river. I don’t want my husband to find anything because it would hurt him. I also played karaoke songs he liked and sang them on my iPhone.

It sucks. That’s for sure. Everything you are feeling and thinking is normal. Maybe it would help to write to him?

 

I think about going to his grave now but it is pretty far from where I live, probably 12 hr drive. Then I don't want to run into his wife or daughter. He could have even had another affair after I left. We were both in our 30s, he was my soulmate, friend I was sure he felt the same but when I left I hurt him badly. He tried so many times to call me but I couldn't answer I answered once and told him never to call me again. I knew my spouse was taping every phone call, having me followed. I wish I had the wisdom I have today. I guess in my 30s I just lived in the moment. I will try and start writing to him and maybe that will help. I will buy some journal books. The man I am married to now, we are like brother and sister, he has his own room and I have mine, so I have a lot of privacy. I never should have married again after my first spouse died. He is not healthy either and is depressed which rubs off on me.

I do have 7 grandchildren who are all older now, and 5 of the grandkids moved to Singapore when my son took a job there over 2 yrs ago.

I think I may start to write the story of my memories, how we first met on the tennis courts, we were paired as a team, times we spent together, etc then I will start writing him letters/ What is sad i have gifts, cards and pictures of him and I together which I had to burn and destroy in front of my spouse then. My spouse never forgave me and was very physical abusive to me the rest of our marriage. He held that threat of killing my lover for many years, I was like living in jail, I was to stay home, take care of kids, I survived knowing I would try contacting him again in the future..

 

You have survived A LOT. Writing sounds like a good plan to me. I’m sorry you don’t have anymore momentos of him. He will always be in your heart. I don’t have any of his letters or most of the photos I had anymore and I would love to have them now. I have two photos and have seen a few things online. Honestly, when I spend time looking at them, I feel worse. The times I’ve felt closest to him and felt the most peace are when writing memories and writing to him and when I visited his grave. It’s the hardest death I’ve experienced and the one that I can’t talk about to anyone.

 

I found his senior picture on classmates and I downloaded it to my phone. He was probably 18yrs old and I didn't meet him until my 30s but I see his eyes and I know it is him. Its the only picture I have to relate. It does sometimes make it worse looking at his eyes in that picture. I have not talked to anyone about him and feeling heartbroken. I remember when my children were little and they would come over to my apt my middle son loved him, he was probably about 7 yrs old. I wonder if he ever remembers him but I don't dare ask. That time didn't make my kids happy. I will start the journal this weekend.

 

I’m glad you could find a picture. I’ve saved some pics to my phone too, and I actually printed one that I hung up by my desk at work for a year.

 

Yes you're lucky to have some pictures. All I have is a picture of his gravestone and a year 17 yr old high school senior picture. I at thankful I could find that, I searched to see if I could get his last license picture or any articles on him winning tennis awards, unfortunately nothing I wrote my journal on my time in living in Florida and all about our first meeting/relationship/breakup, etc. I plan next on writing Ken a letter explaining why I broke up with him, baby I miscarried, etc. I am hoping this will help some of the empty feelings I have for him..

 

Writing to them does help. I wrote while at the cemetery. I did leave a card with the notes I would write with the flowers. I had one photo of him a Great America pass from when he was 17. Somehow I had it up until about a year ago before I searched for him again. I keep everything but I threw the pass out. I was sooo upset with myself once I found out he passed. Luckily I can still remember the photo. It was in my car , how I dont know its been 30 years and made it thru so many moves. I even tried contacting Six Flags to see if they still had a copy but it was so long ago they do not. I would love to see if his mom has any photos but lost my nerve to go see her. Was so close, was going to park and saw an old friend of his in the driveway washing her car so totally freaked out and left. Maybe it would have been better to talk to him to see if he thought I should talk to his mom, but back in the day he was riff raff so I was nervous

 

Did you start journaling? You are lucky to find photos of him. It is hard to have all the feelings inside and not be able to share them with people that understand. I am glad we are talking on here because this site has helped me so much and I hope talking about it here helps you too

 

Gosh your situation sounds a lot like mine. I became acquainted with his ex wife before I ended the relationship. I thought I could may be contact her, but I chickened out. I figure that was a time that was rough on her with her husband divorcing her for me. I know she would have plenty of pictures of him. The high school picture from the yearbook I copied and his gravesite I guess will have to be enough. I wrote the journal now I just have to write him a letter explaining what I did to him when I left him. He was my only soulmate and I have never met another man in all my years on earth that were like him and I together. Talking on this site helps I wish I would have known about it years ago.

 

His mom wouldnt know who I was I only saw her didnt officially get introduced to her a few times. I told myself after I found out I wanted to tell her how I felt about him back then and I had really good memories (she may not know too many good memories, he was trouble for years) but I didnt know if I should He passed in 2003. I said to myself Ill wait for a sign to know what I should do not thinking I would ever get one, BUT I was visiting his grave and another lady was there and she lost 2 of her sons and I was telling her about him and wasnt sure about seeing his mom and she told me a couple times while we were talking to please go and talk to her because she would want to know anything about her children from anyone. That is what made me try in the first place. The part I just cant get over is the last time I saw him was in 92 and in 94 he moved to his grandmas which was 2 blocks away. I could see the garage from my backyard! I didnt know. At the time I dont think I would have tried to connect with him cause I was a bit scared of what his life could have been like but to this day I regret it. I wonder if he tried to stop by and my parents didnt tell me if I was with someone else. I was divorced in 2000 and he wasnt getting into trouble then, but I didnt know that. I tried looking him up thru the years but the internet wasnt what it is today and he had a common name and looking for him in Chicago was impossible. Just so many regrets. Sometimes I feel like I could be repetitive on here but just writing all this helps. I am glad you find it helpful too. Its like a diary , but sharing with people who understand and get it.

 

SJJ, how are you doing? I was just reading back through this conversation. Have you been writing? Were you ever able to visit his grave? Love how you refer to him as your soulmate.