My Fiancèe

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by KathyD69, Aug 21, 2020.

  1. KathyD69

    KathyD69 New Member

    My Fiancèe passed away on April 3, 2020. He was a beer drinker and drank every night after work. He had physical and mental pain in his life. He was messed up physically from a bad car wreck he had a few years back and hurt a lot from it. He was in pain management for years and one day they just stopped his medication. Needless to say he would try to find pills, Percocet or hydrocodone, here and there. He did really well staying off of them for almost a year, and he disciplined himself, without help. He also had the mental anguish of not having his mom in his life, because she was mad at him and holding a grudge (13) years went by that they didn't speak. He was close to his grandma and she passed in May of 2019. His 11 year old daughter was also being kept away from him by his ex. He never once drank or took a pill when that child was around. She was his happiness. He was so lost without her. Our car was stolen on April 1st, 2020, and we did end up getting it back the same night, thank goodness! He was so incredibly stressed by this, and drank more that night and the following night. We were just watching TV and a guy he had just recently met, sent him a message telling him that he had a # phone #. The only reason he could get through to him is because of having a new #. My Fiancèe had blocked him for several reasons. The guy starts in about how he could get him some Percocet and of course, my fiancé decided to go for it. He had already had 6 tallboy Bud Ice beers and something told me to tell him no... I just had a bad feeling, but I didn't know quite what it was about. I told him no and he wanted to fight with me about it. I finally just said, do what you want, because he wasn't going to listen at that point. Now I wish I would have physically fought him, if I had to. I didn't know what my bad feeling was about, but found out within the hour. The guy brings him what was supposed to be Percocet and it was powder form. He snorts it, not even thinking it might be something else! The guy leaves, and I go into the bathroom to take a shower. I was probably in there for 20 minutes, if that long, and I walk out and find him laying flat on his face between the dresser and the mini fridge in our hotel room. I thought he had just passed out. I tell at him and get no response. At this point he is wedged, stuck between the dresser and mini fridge. I had to move the furniture to get him out so that I could lay him back and see what was going on. He wasn't breathing and his face was a bluish grey and his fingernails were tinted a blue color. I knew I had to call 911 and start CPR. I did this. I never got anything! The paramedics got there and intubated him and he was put on a ventilator at the hospital. Later the next day, his heart stopped again, the Dr got him back. The Dr told me it was not looking good though. He said his eyes were fixed and displayed and he was going to do a brain scan on him to see what was going on. The news came back that he was brain dead and that they were going to take him off the ventilator and let him pass naturally. The autopsy was done and it came back alcohol and Fentanyl was what killed him! I truly want this guy to pay for what he did. Knowingly or not, he killed my fiancèe! How many others has he killed? I couldn't be with my fiancèe to even hold his hand at the hospital, flashes of his face and the way he looked haunt me day and night! We couldn't have a funeral. He did not want to be cremated, but his family paid for it, so his wishes were not carried out! That bothers me a lot! I also lost my grandma on December 2nd if 2019, never realizing as hurt as I was over that, that only 4 months, almost to the exact date, lacking one day, that my soulmate, the love of my life, besides my own child, would be ripped from me! It has been the hardest thing that I have ever dealt with in my life! Everyday it feels like something has ahold of a invisible cord in my chest and it is being held tight. Sometimes, I find it hard to even breathe. If it wasn't for my son, I know that I would have said goodbye to this world. I don't know how to deal with him being gone. I am scared for some reason, alone and like have panic attacks. I just wish sometimes that I could be brainwashed, just have my memories of him disappear, so that I could find happiness again! I know that sounds terrible, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with the pain and the complete nightmare!
  2. KathyD69

    KathyD69 New Member

    That was supposed to say his eyes were fixed and diolated. Sorry. Didn't review it.