My father and the man I wanted to be

I'm 44 years old and lost my father on May 10th of this year after a long battle with cancer and related illnesses. My parents had been living in Florida until my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. We made the decision to sell their home and move them closer so that I could assist my mother with caring for dad. He lasted an additional year and a half that gave my brother, grandkids, and friends a chance to spend quality time with him. The last six months had been a very slow decline until the month prior to his death. On the day of his passing he wanted to get out of the bed, which he could no longer do without assistance. I helped him into his wheelchair and rolled him through the house giving him an opportunity to see outside and be with the dogs and me. He didn't stay up long and wanted to go back to the bed. I went to sit at the table and began to think about his continuing decline. I'm not very religious but found myself begging the Lord for mercy and even Googling what does the Bible say about suffering. Within minutes of him going back to bed my mother called me in and we sat there while my father slowly drew in his last breaths and passed away while she held his hand. Needless to say I am a mess and surprised I could type this, even after almost a month. It is very hard for me to speak of him to my children, my wife and also my mother. The memories are good but painful. My father was one of the few people that I could talk to and have a like mind. I've never idolized or looked up to anyone other than my parents, especially my father. I feel lost without him even as prepared as I thought I was for the inevitable. I want to be strong for my family and find it very difficult.