I’m not sure where to begin. My brother was amazing. He was funny and smart and also my best friend. We got together on Thanksgiving and for a few days in the summer. His name was Carl. It’s hard for me to even say his name without tears in my eyes. That crushing ache never goes away. I miss him so much. We didn’t get together much because he held down 3 jobs and I have jobs as well. We relished those precious times that our schedules meshed and then we would stay up into the early morning hours catching up on each other’s lives and sharing memories of yesteryear. My brother began a decline in his health. I have learned since then that he was alone for the most part. Driving himself to the hospital when he had health scares. Friends didn’t come around him much because I think they were afraid of his health issues (almost as if they could catch afib, kidney cancer, etc). He had a woman tell him to stay away because he was a disease and she didn’t want her kidney to get cancer. It totally breaks my heart to hear some of these things. Knowing he died with very few caring. He loved people and would deprive himself of things to help another out of a tough situation. He was and always will be my brother. I feel like I’m in a black hole. As if the world keeps turning and I’m stuck in limbo. The worst thing is there is no one to talk to about it. My sister is a drunk and didn’t have a relationship other than hatred for Carl. I can’t be around her at all. Telling her to not say bad things about him falls on deaf ears. I love my sister but I just.... can’t. If God took me tonight I would be happy because I would not only be with Him but also my brother. This grief is ripping at my very core. The pain is unimaginable. Where do I turn when there is no one? No psychologist can help what I’m feeling. I can’t go into a cold office and bear my soul to a person and then make out a check. I’m just done.
Chiryl take your time to look around the site and get to know the people here. You will find others who have gone through similar losses - no two losses are exactly the same- and are here to support each other. You will not be judged for anything you say and will find others willing to listen. There is also the chat room where we talk in real time, the chatting goes along with what we need at the time, if it is a shoulder to cry on or a joke to share for a brief moment to calm our minds. HUGS and hope you find a home here.
