Monster murdered my mom

Adrienna, I am so very sorry for your horrific loss. It is still such a new loss, I'm sure you are coping with so much right now. I think most people's instinct is to tell you, "you shouldn't feel that way", or "there's nothing you could have done". But I understand that there's nothing anyone can say right now that will make you stop second guessing or wondering, what if? Instead I will say that I hope you can find that place down the road. A time when you no longer blame yourself, and you can let yourself off the hook and not make yourself suffer anymore than you already are. Between now and then perhaps you can answer this question: did you do the best you could with the information you had at the time? Meaning, based on all the circumstances, and remembering that you didn't know and COULDN'T know what was going to happen, did you act in a way that was perfectly acceptable and normal to both you and your mom at that time? Mostly I find we can answer, yes. I did the best I could, because I couldn't possibly know what was going to happen. That may be where your healing can begin.
In the meanwhile, lean on friends and family. Find a support group in the community or somewhere within your faith community if you have one. Come here and talk and connect and know that you are not alone and that someone does care. We are here to help~
Please let me know if you have any specific questions about the site or if there is anything you'd like to talk more about. I wish you peace and healing in the days ahead...