Missing my mom. Things have been so hard.

Lately I have been missing my mom more and more. Anytime I'm faced with a major bump in the road all I want to do is call her. I lost her 12/4/2019. What I would give to hear her voice one last time. My depression has been especially bad this year and I slacked off on a lot of important things because it was just too much to handle. I don't feel like anyone truly understands MY experience. Sure people around me have lost parents but she was only 65. My kids were and still very young when she passed. And it kills me knowing she will never get to see them grow up. Anytime my depression gets bad I just want to feel her hug around me and telling me everything will be alright. I feel like I have a hole in my heart that nothing will ever fill. Like a festering wound that just won't heal. She left very unexpectedly and was having hospice people come to her house without telling sister and I. She lived in another state so it was easy for her to hide it. She never told us. Her best friend had to call and tell us she passed. She had a slew of health issues from smoking and just generally not taking care of herself. My sister is extremely overbearing and would call her doctors to make sure she went and was constantly hounding her over everything. And this is why I think she never told us....because she knew my crazy sister would've flew off the handle. Sorry for the long post but what do you do to handle the grief and bitterness? I wrote her a letter tonight which helped a little I guess. Just missing my mommish more than usual and I really would appreciate some guidance