Missing my mate. Together for 20 year’s

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by Samcanava, Apr 3, 2020.

  1. Samcanava

    Samcanava Member

    I lost my husband on Dec24,2019. We planned out the rest of our future together after he survived cancer in 2018. Bought a house. Going to fix it up to our liking. Even though he was cancer free he never fully recovered from the surgery. It wasn’t until countless test that he was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s (ALS) on oct 31 2019. They told us he had it for couple of years. Nothing prepared me for what was to come. It happened so quickly without mercy. At least cancer he had a percentage of survival but with ALS it’s a death sentence. I miss him so much. He was my best friend of 20 years. We did everything together. Now I’m trying to exist and not lose the house. Just needing to talk. My grief counselor recommended this website thinking it will help me out.
  2. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    So sorry for your precious loss. That has to be heartbreaking to have seen him suffer. This month marks the 5th year since the loss of Nadine, my wife.

    What we share is the loss of someone special, one who meant the world to us. I wish I could take the pain in our heart, wipe the tears from our eyes, and clear all those troubling thoughts we all have after loss.

    How I dealt with my loss was to keep myself busy, find this forum and open up with others, and daily listen to music. I opened all our albums, videos, recordings and sat and listened for hours that turned into days of music.

    I experienced so much while I talked openly, and for some reason I found violin music affected me the most. It was as if, when you first listen you can hear the words if you know the song.

    I had many melancholy days with tears with no end. We had been married for 42 years, shared everything, never cheated with another, never lied, and had two sons together. I just know it was enormously tough to lose Nadine, as it has to be with you.

    Days will seem unbearable, your moods are going to be all over the place. Words will be hard to come by, but if you reach out to friends, to us and talk, we will listen. I hope for some peace for you forward. Please never give in to despair and remember you are not alone anymore.


  3. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Samcanava, thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry for your loss. I often say with the loss of a spouse or partner that we're losing more than "just" one person - we lose our confidant, and our companion, our friend and our cheerleader...
    There is no easy way to lose someone we love but if we felt they struggled or suffered in some way it can complicate our grieving as we are still trying to process all that happened while they were sick and still here with us.
    I hope you can continue to find support here and in addition to that I know from personal experience that the ALS foundation is a particularly wonderful organization with a lot of support available (most of it may be online right now) and so that too can be a help if you feel that more is needed.
    Please continue to check in and stay in touch - we are here to help in any way we can with whatever you may need.
  4. Sharon.McC

    Sharon.McC New Member

    I lost my wife and life partner four months ago. She was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer at the end of last summer and passed away in November. We were friends in junior high, came out as a couple when we we 19 years ago, and became legally married in California in 2008. Our last anniversary together was our 43rd a year ago in March. We were both 63 years old when she died. I lost my life-long companion, friend, lover, and co-parent of our 33 year old daughter. I retired from teaching 3 years ago and she “retired” as a physician but immediately took on several consultant jobs after retirement, so she was effectively working at least half time up until shortly before she died. I am fortunate to have the support of my family, friends, and Jewish community through our temple.
    As LGBTQ people who lose spouses, we not only go through the grief process that we have in common with our straight counterparts, but we also lived through a time when we had to fight for the right to our love. I lost my life-long companion in this fight. Ultimately through persistence and honesty, together we won legalized same-gender marriage in the US and in many other countries in the last few years. We went through an amazing time in history as a same-sex couple, and contributed to earning our civil rights. The loss is hard, but the love we shared and the hearts we won over are precious and will always stay with me.
    Take care through your journey, and know we are with you as fellow travelers.
  5. David Hughes

    David Hughes Well-Known Member


    To have been married for 43 years had to have been amazing. Nadine and I were married for 42 years. I am so sorry for your loss of her.

    Cancer is so hard to beat, Nadine also succumbed to cancer.

    Wow, to have known her since high school, it truly was destiny for you both. Nadine and I met while I was in Vietnam in 1968. She wrote to me and the rest was history.

    Having a child is such a beautiful occasion, Nadine left me two sons.

    So you were a teacher, amazing. My sister taught for 48 years. It truly is a small world.

    So she healed others in life. She was truly a hero to many in life.

    Having support of friends and family after loss is something I wish we all could have available in our greatest time of need in life.

    I grew up believing love has no boundaries. Those invisible walls that people build are their own shortcomings in life that try to deny others for what they believe.

    My family had so many military members. My mom’s first husband died on the D-Day invasion. She feared the mailman. She remarried another WW2 vet, my dad. It was because of him why I joined the Army and served 12 years and 7 months till I injured both knees in a fall. I served two tours in Vietnam, as did my brother.

    So I know what freedom is worth and why we fight for it. Your rights are no less important in life than mine. Life is too complicated, we all need to learn to exist and get along.

    I hope you will take the time to heal inside. Don’t be afraid to ever speak your peace. Loss is something you can put a value on, but I know it took me a long time to get beyond loss.

    I just needed to find a place to talk openly, and this is the place I found. Though it required a long time for me, I think what held me back the most from healing inside, was not being able to share it with others.

    Tears are precious, we all shed them. We are such troubled times, and the world has become so complex. But if I had to do it all over again I would have taken the same path in life, did the same things, and given up my life if freedom required it. We are equal, and no one is less.

    I hope you will share and reflect as you need and just know this is a safe place to find peace of mind. Peace be with you today and may your mind start to heal.


    I have made a small collection of music, you can listen with no requirements here.


    I hope you like this song

  6. MikeNYC

    MikeNYC Member

    samcanava, your loss speaks to me. My partner of over 37 years passed away December 24th, 2019 at 1pm. We knew it was coming. He was in home hospice. But I didn't expect it so soon. No one had really given me a reason to. He had been fighting a brain tumor for almost 4 years. We did everything together. He worked in the same building we lived in. I don't know how to move forward. I cry all the time. I struggle just thinking this is real. I can't fathom not seeing him and talking to him every day. And I struggle with guilt. Did I do enough? Why would I be short with him sometimes? I can hear him saying, "Please don't be short with me." and it stabs me in the heart. I was supposed to start with a grief group but because of social distancing, it was cancelled. I do talk to a counselor on the phone. I write him a letter every morning. I talk to him all the time. I know it's still fresh so my feelings probably aren't unusual, but I can't imagine I'm ever going to feel any differently.
  7. Sharon.McC

    Sharon.McC New Member

    Mike NYC: I still cry every day, too. I lost my wife Connie last November. I, too, travel down that road of wondering if I did enough, if I should have done something differently, etc. I make a mental image of pulling the reins in on my thoughts and remind myself of an old saying: "I have enough. I do enough. I am enough." I also remind myself that wistful thinking doesn't bring her back. I have never lived alone, since we got together when we were 19 years old. I was very lucky to have her in my life, but also, the pain of losing her is almost unbearable sometimes. From my experience with grief so far I have found that there is an ebb and flow to the debilitating pain of loss--that sometimes there is a trigger and I just cry and feel like I can't go on, and other times I can do pretty well, thinking about the things I love about her and how she still influences me in positive ways five months after I lost her. The grief comes from the beautiful connection we had, so sometimes I linger in the sadness when it reminds me of the love we had. Be gentle to yourself and know you are not alone. Take good care of yourself.