Missing my best friend, my dad

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by jayyybay17, Sep 23, 2021.

  1. jayyybay17

    jayyybay17 New Member

    This is my first post on here, so here goes nothing.

    For some backstory, my parents split when I was 2 and my dad raised me as a single dad. That being said, my dad were undoubtedly close with one another. Everyone who knew both me and my dad knew that I was his rock and he was mine since we were the only constants in each other's lives. My dad had women that he married, but he had been single for 5 years prior to him passing. I also have a sister that shares the same dad, but once her mom and dad split up, she was always back and forth between their houses. I lived with my dad 100% of the time until I was 19 years old. And in the end, it was just me and my dad.

    I was the one who found him. I had gotten a message from one of his friends back in July that said that he missed their morning Call of Duty game before work and asked if I had heard from him. I hadn't talked to him for about a day and a half, but that wasn't out of the normal, so I didn't even give it a second thought. I work from home and my dad lives close and also works from home, so I decided on my lunch break to head over to his house and make sure he was okay. I had figured that maybe he lost his phone or he forgot to charge it and that's why he wasn't answering anyone. I pulled up to his house and when I walked in, I immediately knew something was wrong. My dad's office was right next to the staircase in the upstairs loft, so he always would peek his head over and yell, "Yo!" to anyone walking through the front door. And this day, it was quiet when I walked in. I went up the stairs and peeked into his room and found him crouched over the side of his bed, almost in a prayer position.

    The rest of that day is a blur. I remember calling 911 and screaming that my dad had collapsed. I remember the house flooding with police officers, EMTs, and the medical examiner's crew. I'll never forget the screams that came out of my grandmother's mouth when the EMTs confirmed that he was indeed dead. She had came over to the house without me knowing, so that spared me a heart wrenching phone call.

    I'm still just as in shock now almost 3 months later as I was that day. Sometimes I get to thinking about it and thinking about that day to where I feel like I can't breathe. I'm now heavily medicated with anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sleeping medication because my thoughts have gotten nearly unbearable. We found out that he had died from a heart attack. He had severe coronary artery disease and not a single person knew. My dad had always been insanely healthy. He played sports all his life and worked out 6 days a week. He ate healthy, we thought there was no way he could have died from a massive heart attack. So that has made my anxiety skyrocket. If my dad could have a heart attack, then anyone could. And that's what has scared me the most after this.

    I have a great support system throughout this. My fiancé has been more than wonderful taking care of both me and my sister. My dad and I also worked for the same company, but in different departments. They gave me 3 paid weeks off and still check in to see if I need more time or any help. My family has been great too. I write to him every day too, I journal as if I'm talking to him and that seems to help for a little bit.

    I miss him so much. I miss all of his jokes, his antics, and his laugh. Oddly enough, I miss his hands. He always had these massive hands, like the kind of hands that when he held a soda can, it damn near disappeared. I miss being able to call him and ask him for advice when I was at a crossroads, or calling to tell him that something great had happened, like a job promotion. I miss doing pizza and wings with him and the rest of my family watching the hockey game or the UFC fights. I miss the future that won't happen now. I'll never have my dad at my wedding, and he'll never meet my kids. And I think that hurts more than anything.

    I just wish I had someone to talk to that understands. No one I know has blinked and lost a parent, or has found their parent after they had passed...
  2. Shanesha

    Shanesha New Member

    Hi, I totally understand what you are going through it has been two months now my dad has passed and I still can't come to terms with it. I will always remember the exact day because my son was born the same day and he looks exactly like him so I am constantly reminded of him. I feel as if my life is a blur every day and I am in the twilight zone. There is no one I can speak to because everyone thinks I should be grateful I gained a son but I also had a loss. He was my best friend my go-to person. The only one that understood me and I don't know how I can go on. I spoke to him two days before and he said he wasn't feeling well but he was talking to me normally and laughing so I didn't take him seriously. When he went to the hospital I still didn't take him seriously because he always ounces back and he called everyone and said he was ready to go home. I didn't even call him in the hospital because I just thought he will come back out and I will call when he gets out and we can work on getting him fully better together not knowing that he never will make it out. I think everyday if I had only taken him seriously and done something he could of been alive today. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most and I can never forgive myself for that.
  3. Kjoy87

    Kjoy87 New Member

    I really felt your story to my core. I'm about to hit the 6 month anniversary of my fathers passing. My story goes like this. My dad and mom split also when I was young maybe 1 or 2. He always tried to be in my life but I mainly lived with my mom but I ended up moving in with my dad when I was old enough to decide. His laugh when he thought he told funny jokes was my favorite laugh even when they were far from funny sometimes. He used to talk in a donald duck voice all the time too usually would say "aflac" in that voice he literally could have been the aflac sponsor voice. I was with him as often as possible he just bought his first house a year ago he was so proud of. My husband and I helped him with the new house often and we rode our motorcycles together the three of us as often as we could I have a cute little 250 and dad had this loud as can be Harley and my husband a crotch rocket. September 4th of 21 we all three rode to the top of a local mountain and I was terrified but I had my dad behind me riding and I felt so safe, we got to the top and we felt on top of the world. We got off the mountain and back to his house that day and talked about our next ride. I texted my dad that Sunday seeing if he still wanted to go and he didn't reply but he was never much of a text kind of dad. I assumed he wanted a lazy day at home. Monday came and it was a Memorial day so didn't think much of not hearing from him it was a day off or us all. Tuesday came and I had a weird feeling but wasn't sure what. My husband and I went to our favorite taco place and just as we sat down I got a message from his employer that he hadn't shown up for work. His employer was my uncle.. he said he drove by his house and his truck was there he didn't see his motorcycle. I assumed the worst thinking he just went for a ride and maybe something went wrong so I told my husband we have to go now. We raced over to his house on the way I called my sister asking when she last spoke with him she said a week maybe two. I looked at jails, and was ready to call hospitals. We got to dad's and sure enough his truck was there. I just gave him his spare key back because we'd finished some work and really didn't need one he would always come to our house or we'd show up to his never really thought about it. We got there and the house was locked. I could see in the window his shoes were in the living room but I couldn't see him. His dog was barking a bark i'd never heard before and I couldn't get him out. My husband said the only way we could get in would be the bathroom window and I just didn't feel right so I called 911. I swear it was just like the movies. They broke down the door, and within seconds the fireman that entered came back out and I collapsed. I remember screaming he's in there isn't he. The guy had a tear in in his eye and nodded yes and then with a broken voice said probably for a few days.

    I couldn't breathe , move think any of it. My whole world came crashing down in an instant. He was 54 we were just riding out bikes and he was so proud of me....He was fine, how could this happen. We stayed while they called the coroner and all. The chaplin that showed up asked if we wanted to see him, I said no. But my husband, sister and her boyfriend said they did so I felt obligated in a way. I can't unsee him now...I wish I would have just kept the last image of him smiling on his motorcycle in the lane next to me on the way down from the mountain.

    I don't know where to go from here, my kids loved him and he loved my kids and they are struggling with me, my oldest 15 his world is shattered without his papa. He is about to start driving and my dad used to fix cars and he will never know that experience with his papa.

    Being a daddy's girl is the best but I just never thought of the day he'd be gone. I really never thought about it. Except that day Sept 4th I thought well if this is our last ride how cool. Never knowing it would be our actual last ride.
  4. Olive

    Olive New Member

    I know exactly how you are feeling. I also found my father, also very suddenly from a heart attack. It’s a pain very hard to understand. It’s been a little over two years since my loss and although I have come to better terms with it there are still hard times and hard days. I think the hardest part is missing them, and wondering what could have been. It’s hard to give advice because everyone grieves differently- but something that helped me I knowing a part of him will always be with me. It absolutely sucks to have found him as it did in your case too but part of me finds peace in knowing that in a way he trusted me to be there. We were the ones who knew something was wrong and who knew to go check on him and I think that shows how strong the bond was. He will always be with you, as you with him.
  5. Dadandme

    Dadandme New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my dad and struggling to find balance with life and grief. Thank you for sharing your story. It helps to know I am not alone. We are an alone.
  6. Goodbyehorses

    Goodbyehorses New Member

    Thank you for sharing your story. I lost my dad 12/29/22, only a week after seeing him. He held my son for the first time because he was born shortly before but had been hospitalized twice for a URI as a newborn. He was visiting my brother when he fell ill with an upper respiratory infection. He went to urgent cares and everything. He treated it as such. After a day of not hearing from him, my brother called me asking if I had heard from him. He was staying at a hotel, and the front desk told my brother that our dad checked out. Based on this info, I called airlines, Uber, local hospitals … to see where he was. It was unlike him not to respond. I had the worst gut-wrenching feeling in the world. He wasn’t responding to anyone. My brother told me he’d check the hotel again and even look around outside thinking the worst. Not long after, my brother called me and yelled “he never checked out!!!!!” I heard him banging on the hotel room door. 911 came and he called me back after they got in. He told me “he’s gone.” I replay everything and I even put the pieces together from my brothers report of what he saw, and the medical examiners report and I visualize my dad, dead. I obsess over the details, trying to make sense of it. I go over the timeline and try to wrap my head around the exact hour he must’ve died. I have his phone now and he didn’t have communication with anyone for at least a day. His death certificate stated ischemic coronary heart disease and the secondary cause was the URI. I have so much anger towards the urgent care, the hotel staff, etc. it hurts me to know he also suffered during his last few hours based on the reports. I don’t know what changed so quickly and drastically to where he couldn’t contact anyone and he ended up dying alone. I’m trying to stay strong for my kids, but it’s draining. My heart breaks every single day. My parents also divorced about two years ago. The last time I saw him (about a week prior to his passing) it was the first time my parents agreed to come together since before the divorce. The universe made this possible and I’m still in shock how they made amends right before his passing.