Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by DEB321, Aug 24, 2021.

  1. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I married Valerie officially on October 13, 1988! We were together since January 1987. It is so weirdly cool haw certain dates keep appearing...
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  2. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I'm sitting on Neck, listening to s
    singer/ guitarist, singing, " Here comes the
    Sun". I'm doing a Tom Zuba & putting my
    face in the sun, watching the Saturday
    parade of tourists & locals. I'm happy for
    my friends who own small businesses
    after the economic devastation ( as well
    as the loss of life, during COVID). You
    have to look at today's Center for Loss
    quote, if you haven't already. It's uncanny,
    once again, in its'timing for you. Spoiler
    alert: It's about October. Lou
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  3. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the sweet and cherished words. I really haven't had much chance to talk to anyone about Valerie and her loss to me. I try to get through each day the best I can and it's harder because 5 years ago I lost may career as a Junior high teacher when Kidney Disease disabled me. Saturday is especially hard cuz I always remember our long cozy naps and now I have to go to dialysis for 4 hours and sit and (can't help) but think. I used to read but now I can't focus and TeeVee is too upsetting usually.

    Thank you for your kind words! I need it! George.
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  4. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    I will check that out, before I go off to my dialysis partay! At least I can drive myself there. But it is so hard! I hope I can get to the point where I figure out how to fit into society again.
  5. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    The older I get, I don't believe there are
    coincidences. As you can guess, I believe
    in God, even stronger since Linda's death.
    So, the fact that you & Valerie were
    married the same day as my wife's
    birthday, is no coincidence. Our grief
    has thrown us together. Lou
  6. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    Totally! I feel the same way about stuff. It's thundering here. Valerie would say, "stop that! I won't allow that today! Her catEars were sensitive to storms!
  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    George, I don't have a TV. I rely on my
    phone for music, lectures on grief, like
    Tom Zuba, news headlines, but on mute,
    not blaring at me........Lou
  8. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    Just a quick message (for now). I can't thank you enough for recommending the Widower's Notebook. Jonathan Santlofer is an amazing writer,!!!, total understatement!!! He writes in a way that is so real... I can (almost) imagine myself right there, with him, as the worst, most horrific event in his life unfolds. The way he describes his thought process from the time he held Joy in his arms, to the time the medics brought her down that freight elevator, into the waiting ambulance... to his arrival at the hospital..., to finally, knowing before the doctor said anything, that his wife, was gone... It is way beyond heartbreaking, "listening" to him, as he relives the moments leading up to that final one, when his world was turned upside down..., shattered... Life as he knew it, gone in an instant.

    I am so glad I had a brand new box of tissues beside me on the couch, as I read his heartbreaking story. (I'm guessing by now you've figured out that my TBC from earlier today, didn't have the ending I had hoped for. This is a story, another TBC, for another message.) Backing up a bit, I had to put the book down after only reading 44 pages, it affected me that much. I can relate to his disjointed thought processes, the way memories randomly popped in and out of his head, with no control over them, no "off switch."

    It's the type of book so raw with emotion..., that I can only read it a little at a time. It hits way too close to home. I think it should be required reading for anyone who is thinking of going into the medical profession. I wish I could give a copy to everyone, who like the person I met while walking this morning, is so totally clueless, thinking he is comforting me, by telling me that his neighbor who lost her husband two years ago had a hard time at first, but now she's fine. Grief, like death, is not something that can be "fixed." Time cannot, and does not, heal everything. The world would be a much kinder place if everyone understood this.

    Stopping here for now, going to make something for dinner. I don't feel like cooking, so I'm going to zap one of those organic veggie meals I have left in the freezer. Sadly, the microwave is still my best friend. I cut up some raw veggies and tossed them into some baby spinach earlier today, so will have a salad with it.

    I still have lots of catching up around here to do, will be back later...

    Hope you enjoyed your walk by the ocean this afternoon...

    As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  9. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm so glad that you've decided to stick around, join us as we do our best to be here for each other, try to help each other make it through the worst time in our lives, anyway we can. I want to thank you too, for your very kind response. It made me smile, not the easiest thing to do. It makes me feel good knowing that in some very small way, I was able to make your day a tiny bit less miserable.

    I'm so sorry that you lost your career as your kidney disease progressed, and now, on top of this, you have to deal with losing Joy, your soulmate, your "person." That old saying, "when it rains, it pours," is so true. I wish there was some way I could find that "off switch," to stop all those random memories from invading your mind, while you're stuck in that chair for four hours every Saturday... Those four hours must seem endless. There aren't any words to express how I'm feeling, saying I'm so very sorry, just seems so shallow. However, words are all we have, so I hope you know how truly sorry I am, that you have to go through all of this.

    I don't watch much TV. I only turn it on in the evenings. During the day, it just stresses me out more. At night, it has become my new dining companion. I have trouble eating meals at the kitchen table, seeing that empty chair, where Bob should be.

    I think I'm starting to ramble again. Stopping here for now.

    I hope you find at least one reason to smile this evening...

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace.

    P.S. The book Lou suggested, the Widower's Notebook is an excellent book. It is easy to read, but it definitely isn't light reading (if this makes any sense at all.) I'm not very far into it, but I highly recommend it too.
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  10. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    P.S.S. George, I'm so sorry!!! I called your wife, Valerie, Joy by accident. Joy was Jonathan Santlofer's wife's name.
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Once again,Deb,perfect timing! I was just
    going to check on you after my GF tuna
    wrap & sparkling water at the Bean &
    Leaf cafe on Bearskin Neck ( you can
    look it up!). It is mercifully open all year
    round,unlike all the other shops on the
    Neck. I bumped into the always well
    dressed Ginny, and complimented her
    outfit. She beamed at me. She was out
    for a twilight stroll. I told her that
    Roger spoke highly of her this am, and
    she spoke highly of Roger and his love
    for his wife, Nancy, who Ginny said was
    a very kind woman. You really captured
    the heartbreak in Jonathan's words. I
    understand how you are starting slowly
    bc it is so intense, and too"close to home".10am.
    One day, you will reread his book from
    cover to cover. Now, I reread the lighter,
    funnier chapters ( and there are some).
    You can relate to one chapter title, chapter
    32: "Stupid Things Said by Smart People".
    I am so glad we are reaching out to George and to Susan McB. People look up
    to you, Deb. My theme, as I did with you,
    is to ask for the name of the spouse who
    " is no longer with us" physically, but in
    our hearts and minds forever. Lou
  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Deb, I just picked up on your use of the
    name, Joy, when you meant George's
    dear wife, Valerie. I smiled bc I know you
    are starting to be engrossed in Jonathan's
    book! Lou
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Correction: I slipped in "10am. chapter".
    I don't know where that came from. As
    Flip Wilson said on his TV show, " The
    devil made me do it!". Ginny taught me
    a lesson in her longevity: her care &
    interest in other people, her listening
    skills, and her willingness to engage in
    laughter. She is a remarkable woman,
    bc she lives in the present, doesn't dwell
    in the past, or worry about the future. I
    strive to be like her, in my mourning
    process. Linda would have loved Ginny,
    and vice versa. They are the kindest
    people I ever met in person. You are one
    of the kindest people I've met here. Lou
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    That's funny about Valerie's catEars.
    Linda was much more sensitive to loud
    noise ( which included loud talking in a
    restaurant when we were trying to have
    a quiet, romantic dinner. Also, screaming
    babies, or toddlers, whose inconsiderate
    parents wouldn't take outside of the
    restaurant), than I was. I found out there's
    a word for her extreme irritability about
    noise: mesophonia, I believe. Lou
  15. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    As you said earlier, "great minds think alike!" Thanks for making me smile (again!).

    I just checked out the Bean & Leaf Cafe on the Neck. It's a place that Bob and I would have enjoyed... I checked out all the pictures... They're making me so homesick!!! I miss all the small quaint New England towns so much... There's something about them..., they're just so picturesque... They make me feel like I'm stepping back in time... I'm looking forward to the day when I'm emotionally strong enough to visit my friends from "home." There's a part of me that needs to move back "home." But, and this is another one of those BIG buts, it would never be the same without Bob. The only thing I know for certain, is that I'm going to make sure I take my time, think things through very carefully, before making any decisions about where I want to spend the rest of my life. I know I need to go "home" for a visit before making this decision. Another one of those TBC's...

    Ginny is someone who I wish I could not only meet, but get to know really well. I'm glad Ginny is one of your friends and is helping you in your mourning process. I wish the world was made up of more people like her.

    Thank you for saying you think people look up to me. It makes me feel good to think that in some very small way, I might be able to make someone's day just a bit less miserable. I think I've said this to you before, that I think part of my reason for still being here, is to try to help others get through the total heartbreak of losing their spouses, their soulmates... "Talking" to others here, is probably helping me much more than I could ever help anyone else!!!

    However, I think it's only because of you, that we are becoming stronger as a group. You have a way of bringing people together. You make my life a bit brighter, and I appreciate the excellent advice you give me, as I continue to struggle along this miserable path, the path that not one of us would have chosen to take.

    Sort of on, sort of off topic, I don't use my phone to respond to messages here. I find it way too hard to type using the small keypad on my phone. I have arthritis in all of my small joints. I was first diagnosed when I was in my early forties. I tested positive for RA, but my rheumatologist said at the time that my blood values were on the very low end and might not be accurate. I never bothered to get the labs repeated. Back then RA would have been a preexisting condition and I wouldn't have been able to get health insurance. Thankfully, this is no longer the case. It would be so tragic if everyone with pre existing conditions was denied health care through no fault of their own. Stopping here!!, when it comes to health insurance, I could go on and on and on, like that "Energizer Bunny," in those old commercials that I mentioned awhile back. Anyway, the point I was going to make, before I got sidetracked, is that sometimes it's painful for me to type, and it takes me much longer than it should. Also, I find it so emotionally draining, that I can't respond to as many posts as I would like to every day.

    I might have just started a chapter in another one of my "books ..." Stopping here for now.

    Hope you're evening is going well... I hope you manage to sleep through the night and wake up feeling energized.

    Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, I stumbled on your compliment
    to me about my good sense of humor. I'm
    so glad I could make you laugh on your
    6th day of tears. Glad you've been
    following my longwinded messages to
    Deb, and her "books", in return. Writing
    has been a great outlet for our mourning
    over Bob and Linda, I've also been
    "talking " with George ( eyepilot 13) and
    Cynde ( Cynde1966), and we've been
    comforting each other. I'm so glad you
    joined us again after your trip. Has your
    arm healed? Well, I'm sleeping more,
    bc of the New England autumn temps,
    so I'll say good night now. You're probably
    eating supper! Lou
  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Karen, I'm bleary eyed, & about to go to
    sleep ( at my usual 9:30 pm!) and saw
    your 2 laughs about my long "talks" with
    Deb. Glad you liked "Gloomy Gus" and
    "Debbie Downer" !! Hope you have a good
    sleep and better days ahead. Lou
  18. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Hi Lou, my arm is healing pretty well. May take months to get back to normal. Thank you for asking and sorry this is so late. It will be 1 year Nov 4th Jack died and I think I'm just now experiencing "real" grieving. Since my trip with memories and dropping off Jack's clothes at hospice crying in front of the guy who took out the boxes of clothes I'm a grieving wreck. I cry every day, I feel so sensitive. To me grieving is, "living hell."

    Lou, you are not a newbie in grief like most of us on this site who are still in the first year. Your stories and the life you are building for yourself gives me and others hope that one day we can move a little forward. There are people on this site that have gone beyond 1-2 years and say it will get better, I have to believe it, I have to have hope we can find a life on this Earths journey and that we can find contentment. Happiness and joy are temporary, contentment is acceptance.

    I read all the threads, you have so many stories, past and present to share. I'll just bet Linda is smiling down -- proud of her Lou.

    I'm saying hi to all of you on this forum, God speed, Karen
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Jeff, I just saw your kind, welcoming
    words to a new member, Rick, who I
    just answered,also. So glad you're still
    with us on Grief in Common. Grief does
    funny things to my brain, or as my
    good friend, Deb, here, says, " foggy
    brain". I remember replying to your
    touching story of how you proposed to
    Jen, which was a lot smoother than how
    I proposed to Linda, in Bermuda! As I've
    said repeatedly here, I highly recommend The Widower's Notebook,
    a memoir, by Jonathan Santlofer, when
    you get a chance. It honestly explores
    the guilt that many of us feel when
    our spouses & soulmates die. Please
    "talk" to me anytime. Lou
  20. eyepilot13

    eyepilot13 Well-Known Member

    As long as you don't call her "Val" Ha I kinda laughed. Last few daze have been particularly miserable