Mama, you're not coming back are you?

I lost my mom in May. I am deeply and so profoundly heartbroken. She is my world, my love, my best friend, my home and my mama. I miss her as everyday goes by. I remember how cancer took her like a ferocious beast, toying with us all. Sometimes giving us the false hope that it's going away only to come back more vicious than ever. As if that wasn't enough; watching her smile, her conscious and her willpower fade away with time was more gut wrenching than anything. I remember the nights you held my hand telling me you can't go on anymore, the day you lost your eyesight to brain cancer and kept telling me to turn the lights on. I was crushed and still am. How could I bring the heart to tell you that you can't see when my vision was the one always blurred with tears?

It's a tragedy. That's what everyone says. How I wish to tell them "NO ITS NOT MY MOM FOUGHT THROUGHOUT, SHE SHE SHE'S BRAVE VERY BRAVE AND STRONG." Funny how the words fall deaf and forgotten even to me when the time comes and I stand there like a lost child searching for someone to hold my hand. I feel crushed seeing my siblings go through it, I feel crushed when I see the local news telling about someone's death because I can understand the pain. I feel crushed for anyone reading this and relating. I feel crushed, for me.

Everyday is hard. I already used my gap year so this year I have to go strong on my studies but I just rot all day. People expect me to move on by now, such a funny matter isn't it. How can people be so ignorant and hurtful to your pain and mine and everyone else's. I dont know what else to say, really, but every passing day reminds me of how it's only a foolish thought on my part to come back home and see you standing there all healthy and ever smiling, getting angry for me at not tidying up the room before I went, telling me what the news said, asking me about my day, oh how I wish...

 

I’m so sorry your mother passed in this cruel way. Cancer is so horrible. My mum also passed from cancer, started in the bowel and spread to the brain. My mum was also so many important things to me and I feel so lost without her.
I hope you’re allowing yourself to cry and be sad, I don’t think I did this enough earlier on. It helps to let the feelings out.
Take care.

 

that sounds horrible. i am so sorry for your loss.

 

I agree with your advice. Let yourself cry and be sad early on when some might be sympathetic to you, because later everyong expects you to be 'normal and over it.'