Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by tracymillerclark, Jan 17, 2023.

  1. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Dear Helen, I understand that concept of soldering on. It’s my every day. Right now, I’m teaching two different but very needy groups of children(English learners primarily recently arrived from Ukraine and special education students). Unfortunately, one of my supervisors constantly schedules meetings and asks me to do things that take away from the English learners, who are struggling because they have very limited understanding of English. There’s no one I can talk with about the situation, and I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed—and alone. I don’t know what Steve would say. It’s very lonely. My children don’t understand why I agreed to this in the first place. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Thank you all for listening. I’m completely lost again, with no Steve. I do talk with him daily. But it’s not the same.
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  2. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I love!!! one of the reasons you walk with Linda's cane. I agree, it's so very important to keep Linda's and Bob's memories alive. Linda and Bob changed us in so many positive ways, making us better versions of ourselves. They will always be a part of us. Nothing can take away all of our over the top wonderful memories from the very happiest times in our lives, shared with the one true love of our lives.

    I wish everyone I knew realized how important it is for us me to keep Bob's memory alive. Sadly, I think many people believe I've moved on, have begun a new chapter in my life, and that it wouldn't be healthy for them to share their best/favorite memories of Bob with me. Nothing could be further from the truth!!!, TUTTAM!!! WTF???!!!, there is NO!!! way even if I could, that I would want to erase all those cherished memories... Memories from the time I was fortunate enough to be able to spend with Bob, who will always be my knight in shining armor.

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Deb and SkyRific (compliments of George, lol!!!)
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  3. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I have a bad habit of reading messages out of order. This is the first time I've read your over the top, perfectly written, message to Tracy. You express your feelings beautifully. I experienced many of the same things you did, the difference being you're four years into Grief Land, and it's about a month short of two years into Grief Land for me. However, I couldn't have said it any better, or even half as good as you did!!!

    I'm so glad to hear the physical exhaustion and mental fog is fading...

    As always, sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. Debster and Skyester
    Gary166, HelenB, Rose69 and 1 other person like this.
  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Debster, this is weird. I just read my own
    words about how much Linda's cane
    means to me, bc it makes me talk about
    Linda, and the fun things she said. I cried
    at the power of my own words. How
    egotistical is that?! It's as if a painter,
    or musician, said, " Damn, that's good
    stuff!". I guess I needed to pat myself on
    the back, bc I just wrote a doomsday
    scenario of my own death, depressing
    myself, and everyone here! Louster
    Gary166 and Rose69 like this.
  5. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member


    I'm getting here very late, and am so glad that so many friends, our GIC "family," got here way before I did to welcome you to our group. I always hate!!! saying this because there are times when words seem so shallow, now being one of them, but I hope you know how truly sorry I am that your husband, Mike, passed away. It SUCKS!!! My husband, Bob, was sick for many years. On April 11th, it'll be two years since his death. My friends have already given you excellent advice, and I can't think of much to add to what has already been said.

    I've also had people compare Bob's death to a divorce, the death of a parent, and to the death of their pets. WTF???!!!! People are so ignorant!!!, TUTTAM!!! (Total Understatement To The Absolute Max!!!) People who I once considered friends became mostly MIA, after sending me condolence cards, flowers, and baskets of food. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and believe that the reason why they say all these hurtful, not in the least bit helpful things, and suddenly vanish from our lives, is because they're totally clueless!!! Until one of them experiences the death of his/her soulmate, his/her person, he/she will NEVER!!! understand what this total heartbreak feels like. I think just seeing us, is a way too painful reminder that this could happen to them.

    Although you will never be able to put the shattered pieces of your life back together again the way they once were, eventually, if you do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, life will get better, never as good as it once was, it can't be!!!, but better. After almost two years since Bob's death, most nights I'm able to sleep, I'm able to enjoy food again, enjoy spending time with friends, and my foggy widow brain, although still present, isn't as bad as it once was. Life for me has become over the top bittersweet. As Robin has described it to us, it becomes a mix of happy and sad. The timeline for being able to move forward is different for each one of us.

    The one thing that hasn't changed is that after almost two years, I'm finding the extreme loneliness is still with me 24/7. It doesn't matter who I'm with, what I'm doing, it's the kind of loneliness that can NEVER!!! go away, because Bob is the only person who could make this happen, and he can't return home. I've learned to live with it, but it SUCKS!!! I hate to end this on such a pessimistic note. It is possible to live a happy mixed with sad life, filled with loneliness, but also filled with good moments, all at the same time.

    I'm beginning to ramble, something I do way too often, as all of my friends know, so stopping here.

    I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, give us the opportunity to get to "know" you, and you the opportunity to get to "know" us. This has become my safe place. I hope it'll become yours too.

    Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
    HelenB, Van Gogh and Rose69 like this.
  6. DEB321

    DEB321 Well-Known Member

    P.S. Tracy, I think we "met" on a different thread before I read what you wrote here. I'm so very sorry!!!, I didn't remember you at first. I'm going to blame this one on my foggy widow brain. I'm thinking it's lots more foggy than I thought it was!!!, lol...

    Sending lots more hugs and love your way..., wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB
    Gary166, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  7. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Debster, you just captured my feelings,
    in your moving post to Tracy, who I think
    may have moved on. But , that's OK, bc
    your advice is useful for all of us. As for
    people in our lives who don't "get it",and
    can't possibly know the horror, sadness, &
    intense loneliness of no longer having
    our soulmates physically by our sides,
    Jonathan Santlofer sums up the insensitivity of well meaning friends, in
    his book, The Widower's Notebook, a
    memoir. He has a biting, funny chapter,
    Stupid Things Said By Smart People.
    Indeed. It's better to simply say, " I'm
    sorry", and perhaps offer to do
    something SPECIFIC for the bereaved.
    Like you,Debarino ( I'll lighten it up with
    one of the many names George calls
    you),I feel a profound sadness & loneliness
    that Linda will NEVER come back physically , as Jonathan so poignantly
    says. As lovely as having Skyester in your
    life, and friends in mine, I'd trade it all
    " in a heartbeat", one of Linda's favorite
    phrases, to have Linda back with me,
    even if for only a day, to tell her I .love her,
    and miss her, and that someday, our
    spirits will join in the afterlife.
    Lonesome Lousterino
    Rose69 likes this.
  8. HelenB

    HelenB Member

    What you said about folks comparing the death of your spouse/partner to other losses (divorce, death of parent, etc) is so true! I have buried both of my parents and one brother. Plus I have divorced my first husband. NOTHING hits you like the death of a spouse! You go to bed and your spouse is missing. You wake up and your spouse is missing. The person who knew the most intimate details of your life, like whether you had shaved your legs or if you forgot to wear gloves on a cold day, things you would never mention to anyone else, no matter how close you are to them, that person is missing. It truly is like an extension of yourself has died. Of course, you and all the rest of the Grief Warriors know this. But, like you, I really hate it when people compare their loss to mine. Part of me says "Everyone's grief is a unique experience to them and you can't compare them" but the ugly side of me says "you have no idea what you're talking about" when someone says "I know how you feel, my 87 year old father died last year." I feel like saying, "your 87 year old father dying is like a picnic in the park compared to my 59 year old husband dying!" I agree with you - the only people who really understand how it feels is people who have had the same experience. That is why I am so happy that I have found this little band of warriors!

    I do want to acknowledge that the only pain that I think might be worse than the loss of a spouse is the loss of a child. Thank God I have not had that experience and hope to never have it. But I certainly can see how that loss would be comparable to the loss of a spouse. My heart goes out to anyone suffering from that kind of grief.
    cjpines, Rose69 and Van Gogh like this.
  9. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Helen, my grief counselor told me it's
    wrong to compare grief, like it's some
    weird competition. I don't want to say that
    the death of a child is worse than the
    death of a soulmate. Each case is different.
    What if the "child" is a monster murderer,
    for example. The claasic: a friend who
    said, " I now how you feel. My cat died".
    Really ??!! I walked away in anger, and he
    later apologized. He could get another
    cat, sad as it was , but I'll never get
    another Linda. Lonesome Lou
    cjpines, Rose69 and HelenB like this.
  10. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Helen, you describe so beautifully those little daily intimacies that we only shared with our spouses. Having been robbed of this special bond so suddenly, too soon, is just so devastating and impossible to accept. We knew each other inside out, it really and truly feels like being cut in half. Losing my C means I've lost myself too.
    HelenB, cjpines and Van Gogh like this.
  11. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Have to keep my reputation, typo. You have made a good statement here, I agree.
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Wiseass Ms. H. Would that be classic?
    Thanks, though, for liking my statement. L
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  13. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Yes you did write a doomsday scenario which I read in another post. You're scared. Take a few deep breaths, we always think of the worst when we get bad news and then we find out it's not that bad. When you talk about Linda's cane it makes me want to wear Jack's hat. I think I would forgo the whisky shot thou.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ms. Hum, I wish you could send us a
    photo of you in Jack's hat. I'm technologically challenged and don't
    post pictures. I know you're trying to
    learn, but I don't have the patience. Lou
  15. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Haven't tried yet, waiting for the storm to pass, just can't get into it yet.
    Van Gogh likes this.
  16. Rose67

    Rose67 New Member

    Tracy. I'm sorry for the loss of your spouse. Mine was ill for a very long time. But in the end when they pass it seems sudden and unreal. I lost a sister, parents etc but this is completely different. And harsh at times. I find comfort in prayer. The comfort is in the process of prayer. I tend to think it's in the result of prayer. You are probably doing better than you seem to think. Take care.
    Van Gogh likes this.