Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by tracymillerclark, Jan 17, 2023.

  1. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Summer, I wish I were Andy Griffith,
    and you were Aunt Bea, and I could
    sit at your table, with Opie and Barney
    Fife, and eat your delicious pot roast.
    Linda used to make great meatloaf and
    other dinners. Though I go out for
    breakfast, & sometimes lunch, I can't be
    bothered when I'm tired at night, so I
    buy frozen gluten free Mexican dinners,
    and put them in the oven for 40 to 50
    min.I have hot herbal tea to relax. Lou
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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Well that would be something. Cooking for Andy Griffith, Ron Howard and Don Knots! Count me in! I imagine that Linda was a great cook. Ron loved everything I made so each dish is hard. But I’m trying to make them. I do recall you mentioning herbal tea. I imagine it’s really nice on nights like these. I’m having torrential rain and gale force winds. I think you’re getting some snow. Along with other GW. Stay safe and warm. Summer
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  3. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    A lovely, touching post Janiceanne. I was moved reading about how you and your husband would work on your land together, awaiting eagerly for the growing season. I share this with you, my C would plant so many different vegs on our property, for our own personal use, looking after them with so much affection, watching them grow, day after day until they were ready to harvest in spring and summer. I can't do all that anymore, I don't drive a tractor, of course, I just manage to plant a few tomatoes in spring, and peas (which I sowed in November with the help of my son for digging by hand!, our soil is claysoil! ), now they have sprouted and I hope to see the peapods appearing in the coming spring. I'm doing this in honor of my husband, I don't want to let him see his land bare, although a lot of it will remain that way, unfortunately.
    I'm with you in watching the first leaves appear, it's sad to see this natural beauty without our soulmates who have always shared these moments with us, but at the same time, it is a comfort for us because we are doing it for them and they are part of us, so it's like we are showing them these wonders of nature evolving throughout the seasons.
    Take care.
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  4. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Summer, Linda and I loved watching
    reruns of The Andy Griffith Show together.
    In her always generous and thoughtful
    mode, she went out & bought a book with
    all the episodes, and stories about the
    actors. I choked up when you guessed that
    Linda was a great cook. She was. When I
    met her, I ate in restaurants, and did
    take out. I remember being defensive
    and irritated, one of our first dates, when
    she asked me if I cooked. My irritability
    at such an innocent question, became a.running gag between us. I try to laugh
    at myself now, and not feel guilty about
    what an ass I could be. Are you listening,
    Karen ("Ms. Hum")?. I know you'd get a
    kick out of my calling myself an ass, bc I
    used to get mad at you, when you
    commented on my typos! Louster
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  5. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    If this is going to be a party, I'd come too! Lol.
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  6. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Bernadine, I try not to do exaggerated
    Mmm Mmm sounds when I eat with
    others, like Andy did when he feasted on
    Aunt Bea's sumptuous meals. Lou
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  7. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    A friend just sent me this poem by Kristina Susana TCF Marin Let me know what you think. Ms Hum.

    I had my own notion of grief

    I thought it was a sad time

    That followed the death of someone you love

    And you had to push through it

    To get to the other side.

    But I’m learning there is no other side.

    There is no pushing through.

    But rather,

    There is absorption



    And grief is not something that you


    But rather you endure.

    Grief is not a task to finish,

    And move on.

    But an element of yourself.

    An alteration of your being.

    A new way of seeing.

    A new definition of self.
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  8. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

    Resounding yes! Didn’t realize that for a very long time.
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  9. Countess Joy

    Countess Joy Well-Known Member

    Wow, grief insights are everywhere this week.
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  10. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Ms. Hum, thank you so much. So true. It
    sounds like one of the Center for Loss
    quotes. Hope you get a chance to welcome
    our newest member, Joe, whose wife,
    Nicole, just died the beginning of this
    month. Needless to say, he is "shattered"
    and needs our help. Rose, Nicole, and
    others followed me,in the night , to give
    comfort to Joe, after I went to sleep. Lou
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  11. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

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  12. Joe65

    Joe65 Member

    HicTracy. I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 2 days after New Years. Everything is both a challenge and a blur.
    I wanted to tell you what a priest said to us during my wife's funeral. Losing a spouse is different than any other loss because you CHOSE to love them. And they chose to love you. And the pain can not be compared. I struggle every minute, but I do find some comfort here. They can all relate to what we are going thru.
    I hope in time you find some peace.
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  13. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Tracy, I was just about to go to bed, and
    I saw the long post from my good friend,
    DEB ( who's been MIA for a while), and
    yours to Joe. I'm so glad you stayed with
    us and reached out to an even newer
    member than you. That's what Grief in
    Common is all about. Sleep well, Tracy.
    Hope we all have pleasant dreams. Lou
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  14. Izzy4

    Izzy4 New Member

    I completely understand what you are going through. I lost the love of my life recently and don’t know how to carry on. There are no words anyone can say. Although people mean well, no one will ever understand until they experience this unbearable feeling. I have grieved my dad whom I loved, but losing your mate, makes you feel you’ve hit a brick wall and suddenly all the memories you shared, all the future plans you don’t have anymore, the life you’re sharing, the one who has made you feel like a queen/king isn’t there. Loss of a loved one is hard, but in spousal grief, you lose yourself too. It’s a role they have in your life that is devastating when they’re gone. So hard to explain… the longing, and the loneliness is real.
  15. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Izzy, I'm so very sorry to hear about the
    death of your soulmate. It is remarkable
    that you reached out to Tracy, a new
    member, to comfort her in her mourning
    over the death of her husband, Mike. You've come to the right place , with kind
    people who "get it". My wife, Linda, died
    suddenly in front of me. She was 68. We
    were married 25 yrs, no children. She was
    my best ( & only) friend and family. I had
    to see a grief counselor. She suggested
    Grief in Common ( GIC). Linda died over
    4 yrs ago, but I didn't join this site until
    July, 2021. Whenever I've met a new
    member, I ask the name of the person's
    soulmate to honor the memory. May I
    ask your soulmate's name? Thank you,
    and welcome. My name is Lou.
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  16. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Hello Izzy, my heart goes out to you for the loss of your beloved soulmate. You describe perfectly the fact that losing your spouse means losing yourself too. During those years spent together, sharing our whole lives, knowing what each other was thinking, was going to say, almost breathing the same breath. I lost my 57 yr-old husband suddenly and prematurely to a cardiac arrest just over two years ago, even though it feels like yesterday. I get by thinking that he is continuing to live through me, we were two souls, two hearts, two minds all joined and we still are. Although he can't be here physically, I'm carrying on for the both of us, I am who I am because we had twenty five years of married life together. I find this comforting, giving me the strength I need. His presence is constantly in my daily routines, I always refer to his wise suggestions, advice, decisions, involving him in everything I do, wherever I go. Like a famous quote from the novel Wuthering Heights : "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same".
    You will find very friendly people here who can empathize with you and relate to everything you're going through right now, helping you along, offering sound advice and most of all " listening" to you, which we cannot possibly receive from others who haven't lost a life partner like we have.
    Sending you strength.
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  17. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Rose, just woke up from a dream at 5am,
    my time, and was moved to see your
    comforting words of welcome to Izzy.
    You have a way of putting into words
    what most of us Grief Warriors feel.
    Thank you for your quotation from
    Wuthering Heights. With grief, comes a
    fatigue, especially in the hibernating
    months of winter. I hope we are slowly
    emerging from one, but February is just
    beginning. I'm so sorry you have terrible
    weather right now, which doesn't help
    with your mourning for C. Do you still
    wake up at 5am, your time,Rose ? Lou
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  18. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Yes, I do still often wake up at 5am,even earlier sometimes. The fact is that once I'm awake I am unable to get back to sleep, my mind just starts wandering amidst so many thoughts and memories of my C, I start getting anxious, trying to stop the tears, I can feel a "Grief attack" coming on, so I just have to get up and distract myself, watching something on Amazon Prime and checking in to GIC.
    We're still having freezing temperatures. This morning it's minus 2 centigrade, I think that's about 28 Fahrenheit (we use centigrade/Celsius here like the Brits). I can see from my window that a mixture of sleet and snow is falling at the monent, but I'm sure it will turn to real snow flakes soon, as there is already a horrid white layer on the grass. Well, at least for once we're getting the appropriate weather conditions for the time of year, not like last summer when it rained almost every single day!
    Lou, send me a little virtual sunshine if you get some today.
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  19. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Rose, reading your messages over the past several days has been an inspiration to me. You are really expressing your grief in a beautiful way. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you are healing. You are helping others heal too. Building your first log fire while being encouraged by your C to sing are diamond coated memories. With Nature hiking put on hold because of extreme cold weather you are spending your anxiety walking in the out buildings. You are living in the solution. I’ve been stuck in bland Grief Land for nearly a week. No major grief. Just Blah. Couldn’t read the daily grief devotionals either. I have to do random grief burn outs and isolate to get my energy back. It’s part of my grief support system. I’ve been working on hiking sticks and smoking pipes from antlers. The creativity you were talking about in the model studio photo you displayed made me remember the healing effects of art and creativity. PBS has a morning series on American artists and their creativity. A lot of the artists were minorities celebrating their heritage. Others were Mom and Pop shop artists. Very cool and motivational. It makes me think of a line in The Dead Poets Society where Robin Williams told his students to “seize the day”. An artist said people look up to her as a mentor. She said I am a mentor because I never give up. I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep last night and decided to do a Kalpavriksha meditation by Sadhguru. I did it with intentions of meeting my beloved Cheerful Cheryl in the in between. Cheryl’s look a like figurine came to life in my meditation and comforted me. We intermingled in bright light that formed into a sphere and ascended. I need to do this meditation more often. The meditation is better with a wild psychedelic free open aware mind. Its like yeehaw and hell yeah. Oh, I’m feeling better now. Gary
  20. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    Thank you Gary and it's an honor for me to be an inspiration. I think the loss of a life partner changes us so much and most of all we immerse into deep reflection. Why? How can this be possible? What is death? Where are you now? Who or what am I now? I am constantly lost in "my own little world" during my daily routines, feeling like a spectator, watching the world go by. This morning, I had a look at some Ted talks on YouTube, Nora McIrney's experience particularly touched me about losing her husband. "When you're sitting in the front row during the funeral, that's when you GET IT.", and that others who "don't get it" must understand that grieving your soulmate isn't just a moment that will pass, it will be with you forever.
    What a coincidence that you thought of the line "seize the day" in that film, because the film title has been translated in Italian to: "L'attimo fuggente", which literally means "fleeting moment", missing a chance, which is in line with the quote "seize the day", or " Carpe Diem" , as we usually say here, with our Latin influence.
    Your meditation experience with your Cheryl was very touching to read, I can understand the comfort you received and I'm glad to hear this helps you get through your sleepless nights. I've never even considered meditation, but I think I may start looking at some techniques on YouTube. I already know I will be particularly drawn to Sleep Meditation Music.
    The expression you used:'diamond coated memories' is a real "wow", very poetical. Thank you.
    Looking forward to seeing some more of your antler art creations.