Lost

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Jan 24 winter in the garden

 

Thanks , Bernadine, haven't heard from
you in a while . We all seem to be
struggling with winter gray, rain, and
snow. Even though we had snow last
night, I'm grateful to God for sun today,
to melt the snow. Like many Grief
Warriors, I take comfort from the daily
Center for Loss quotes on grieving. I've
been getting them over a year, so I
remember some of them from before.
But, it doesn't matter, bc our mourning
is forever. Lou

 

January 24 in the garden. What a wonderful gift to share with everyone. It is a time to look for that first green leaf to appear. Last spring and summer, for me, was with Tom. No garden except when we could walk out together. We both loved the flowers as they began to bloom in the Spring. I don't know how I will be when all of the color appears. We did so much together and loved to dig in the dirt. So many things Tom planted and joyfully waited for the growing season. When he left in September everything turned gray and dark even the leaves on the trees seemed to be dull. I loved the writing and it has given me something to think about in a positive way.
Thank you for sharing.
Janiceanne

 

Janiceanne, thank you for responding
to Bernadine's quotation. If you don't
already have it, I strongly suggest you
get on the Center for Loss site, with
your email address, and Dr. Alan
Wolfelt will send daily quotes on grief
to you. I start my morning with a
comforting quote, which arrives around
11am ever day. Winter gray has been
hard on all of us Grief Warriors, and I
look forward to walking outside in the
warmer sunshine. I hope , in time,
you will, too, Janiceanne. Lou

 

Thanks for the info Lou. Today was particularly bad for me. It comes and goes. Sometimes I smile and do pretty well but other times I am just overwhelmed. Can't depend on my moods because every little thing brings something else to think about or do. No other voice in the house is a real problem. That, i think, is a big issue. No one to talk to. Yes, I have friends but we are too close. I need to talk to an anonymous person dealing with the same grief. Oh well, that is probably impossible to find. Now the dog just threw up on the couch. Another thing is this day to deal with.
I will check out the center for loss site. Thanks again.
Janiceanne

 

Forgive me, Janiceanne, but I chuckled a
bit when you said your dog threw up on
the couch. Linda said I had a childish
sense of humor, but I think it prevents me
from being prematurely old. I was
thrilled just now,to welcome back our
youngest brother, Chad, from Texas, bc
he's been MIA for a long time, and I told
him I was worried about him. I don't
know what I'd do without my fellow
Grief Warriors , who "get it" about the
sadness and loneliness without the
physical presence of our soulmates. Lou

 

Good evening everyone,

lDoes anyone else experience this? I’m having a moment of intense loneliness. I had ‘one of those days’ as a special education teacher at school. I come home, and Steve is not here. He had an amazing way of making me feel supported and like I had someone interested in the day to day things I live through at work. Now I am alone and just ache, sometimes, for his caring questions at the end of a poopy day. It is my life, now. Gotta love it. But I don’t.

 

Yes, Deb, I can speak for myself, bc
everyone is different. My worst time of
feeling very alone and aching for Linda,
is in the morning when I get out of bed.
When her health declined, I made
coffee & brought breakfast to her
living room chair, while she was
watching TV. Now, I try to walk
outside to a breakfast place. and sit at
a counter, talking with owner/ cook,
kind waitresses ( one a widow), and
other patrons. I'm retired,but walk a
lot, go to the library, so by the time
I go home in the evening, I'm tired ,
eat supper, and go to bed early, especially
in the short days of winter. BTW, one
of Linda's words was "poopy", so I
had a bittersweet reaction to your use of
it. Lou

 

If you know me, poop is my go to expression. And losing your soulmate leaves you in a deep pile of poop.

 

Sorry for that.

 

No need to be sorry, Deb. I feel that Linda
would've loved you for your sense of
humor, as well as loving other Grief
Warriors for theirs. Linda was feisty and
funny, and I can now quote her lines to
both friends & strangers, to make them
laugh. Linda would be proud of me, bc
she was the extrovert to my introvert
in the early years of our marriage. We
switched roles toward what would be the
end of Linda's life on earth. Lou

 

Thank you Lou. You have turned a dark winter night into a warm glow of love. I’m remembering my lovely soulmate, and so are you. That can’t be topped. ❤️

 

Deb, thank you, I feel the same way. For
a relatively new member, you have
become a " teacher' ,as I called you.
Brother Gary calls you Ms. Coo, in his
fun nickname for you. I miss the other
Deb, who calls herself, DEB, from South
Carolina, bc she's a close friend, and
makes me laugh as well. I'm sure she'll
come back soon to write one of her
famous "books" to welcome and
comfort new members. Lou

 

I am curious about what or where Ms. Coo comes from?

I spent many years earning a living as a writer, before I returned to teaching. I believe that grieving is leading me to my first book. Grief is the deepest pile of we’ll ever dig out from. Under the poop, we are reborn. We are living through the depths of grief. Love to all.

 

Deb, Gary gave you that name, but I
forget why he called you that. I can see
your talent for writing. I'm not an
artist, or musician, but I appreciate
both, and it is all around me. My
favorite painter was Van Gogh, and I
chose him as my user name. I play a
tamborine in a drum circle at my local
cafe . It is led by my friend, also retired,
who plays drums, the blues harp, and
sings " Stormy Monday". The rhythm is
a wonderful form of meditation. I close
my eyes and block everything else out,
except for the beat. Music and writing is
an outlet for me, even if it's just writing
messages on GIC, or writing letters and
sending them the old fashioned way. Lou

 

Hello Deborah, I was particularly touched by your description : "we are living through the depths of grief". Yes, I can see too, that you are a writer and teacher from the way you write, you do have a touching, expressive way with words. I also miss those daily conversations with my husband just about this and that, sharing those little regular daily routines which seemed so simple at the time, we took them for granted, but now what wouldn't we do to go through them all again?

Sending you strength for a peaceful day.
Rose.

 

Don Luigi (another nick!!), I didn't know you played the tambourine at your cafe, that is so sweet, you are absolutely right, "Thank you for the music" (Abba's song, for those who remember), a therapeutic outlet for our pain.

Wishing you all a peaceful, less cold, less rainy/snowy day.
Rose
P. S. The lyrics to Stormy Monday sadly fit in well with our moods, don't they?

 

La Rose, you made me smile, with yet
another nickname for me: Don Luigi.Every
place I go, someone uses my first name,
but jokingly adds a last name. At the
American Legion Sat am coffees , one
big guy bellows , " Hey, Lou Gehrig!'.I'm
not a veteran , but they accept me for a
few reasons: 1st, I listen to their stories
about being in horrific battles in the
Vietnam war ( I had a high number in
the draft lottery, & was not drafted. They
don't hold that against me), 2nd, they
realize that I ,too,had a form of PTSD and
survivor's guilt when I saw my wife,
Linda, collapse & then die , in front of me,
and was helpless to stop it , and 3rd, in
spite of it all, we make each other laugh.
I sit between 2 Vietnam veterans a little
older than I am, one a Marine, married 40
yrs, the other,Army, married over 50 yrs.
Both had nightmares of being chased by
the enemy down the Main St of our
peaceful seaside town. I told them I
couldn't imagine those dreams, but I had
many sad dreams about Linda up until
recently.Now they give me tips about
finding another woman, and jokingly
offer their own wives, after so many yrs,
of marriage. Lou

 

Thanks for the warm and friendly message. I pretty much have to go out everyday so that is probably a good thing. I just feel so blank inside a lot of the time. Not excited by or interested in much of anything. I'll try to do some art today. Take care! Pot roast sounds yummy!

 

I would do better if I had a real need to go out. But I put everything off. I’m sure the fact you can’t put off heading out must help a lot. I have days I have a hard time moving. But if it was warm I’d get into my back yard and I’d sit and let Teddy roam. Hope you feel up to creating some art. I know that empty blank feeling. Not easy to get past. My pot roast came out good. I should try harder to cook. Price of meat is kind of ridiculous. Try to have a good day.