Discussion in 'Loss of Spouse' started by tracymillerclark, Jan 17, 2023.

  1. Hi. I lost my husband of December 3, 2022. He had a been sick but was doing well and then suddenly he was gone. Mike and I were together 23 years and married almost 17 years.

    I knew it would be hard but had no idea how hard it would be. I am completely lost. I miss him so much, and don't know how to move forward. I'm trying. I force myself to do things that are hard. I have returned to work but seldom can make a whole day. I can't remember anything. I've taken to writing down everything, if I can remember what it was by the time I can grab a notebook and pen. I write down every memory that comes to me, because I'm terrified that I'll forget the memory.

    I hate the pity in people's eyes when they look at me and what I hate more is when they feel they have to say something thinking they are helping, only to say something that is totally inappropriate. I hate when people make comparisons with loss. No, divorcing is not the same as burying your spouse. No, losing a parent is not the same as losing your spouse and I could go on and on with the comparisons. I know not everyone's world stopped, just because mine did, but it would nice if they would actually think about what they are saying.

    Thank you for letting me vent -

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  2. RLC

    RLC Well-Known Member

  3. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Tracy, I'm so very sorry to hear about the
    very recent death of your husband, Mike.
    That's what people SHOULD say, but many
    well meaning, but ignorant and insensitive
    people don't . My wife, Linda, died suddenly in front of me after doing
    physical therapy for her cancer. She was
    68. We were married 25 years, no children.
    Linda was my best ( & only) friend and
    family, so I had no one, couldn't sleep,
    and had to see a grief counselor to deal
    with my PTSD. She kindly suggested this
    site. Linda died over 4 yrs ago, but I
    finally joined Grief in Common ( GIC) in
    July, of 2021. You were brave to come
    forward and give your first name, and
    Mike's.I just welcomed Poopie , a widow,
    from my state of Massachusetts. I see that
    you live in Maine. I have good memories,
    though bittersweet, of weekend getaways
    there, with Linda.I chose Van Gogh for my
    user name , bc I was a tortured soul like
    the great painter. I'm about 20 yrs older
    than you, retired, and I still cry out to
    my wife every morning. Robin's ( RLC)
    husband , Ron, died about the same time
    Linda did. She was one of the first people
    on GIC, to welcome & comfort me. I hope
    you stay with our kind group. Lou
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  4. Gary166

    Gary166 Guest

    Hi Tracy. This is a safe and sacred place to vent. I’m terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your husband Mike. My name is Gary and my girlfriend Cheryl transitioned suddenly and unexpectedly of a cardiac arrest over 20 months ago. When we lose our spouses our brains dump an excess of adrenaline and cortisone. the body can not process it fast enough. That is widow/widowers brain fog. I had it very bad too. I couldn’t make simple decisions and made a lot of mistakes. I crashed into the garage, put checks in the wrong envelopes, and almost had an accident with a firearm. Right now you need to be very gentle and compassionate with yourself. When you get time google Kristin Neff Self Compassion audios. They are free. Do the 5 minute one at the bottom first. Try to eat healthy meals. Take your medication and vitamins. Try to get some exercise. Sleep is very difficult after losing our spouse. I was on 6 different sleep meds and nothing worked constantly. I maxed out my dosage on antidepressants too. I have been completely off of them for a year. This grief journey is the hardest thing you are ever going to do. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’m glad you found GIC. Gary
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  5. Sweetcole

    Sweetcole Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for your loss. Don't push yourself to do too much just do what you can. Like one of my fellow friends said take deep breaths and get fresh air. This helps keep us sain. The forgetfulness is normal. Write down what you need to and don't feel bad about it. You are in the right place. People that haven't been through the same type loss doesn't understand what you are going through. Each loss is different and you're right they should not be compared. Sorry that you're going through that. We're all here for you. Praying for your strength with each passing day.
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  6. Thank you for you kind words
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  7. Thank you.
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  8. Thank you
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  9. Thank you so much..
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  10. Deborah A.

    Deborah A. Well-Known Member

    Dear Tracy,

    First, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. The days you are experiencing were zombie days for me. I didn’t feel alive. I just felt incredible pain. It will get better, but the heart break is completely devastating. For a long time, I didn’t want to feel better. The pain felt like my connection to my husband of 28 years. I too felt lost. Give yourself lots of time. Be gentle with yourself. Come here and share your pain. Take care of yourself. Hugs, comfort and love,
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  11. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Tracy,it is very good that you thanked
    Gary, Nicole ( "Sweetcole"), and me, Lou,
    for reaching out to you. I sensed that you
    would. Others have used GIC to vent, and
    leave, never to return. I have formed close
    friends here, who "get it"about trying to
    cope every day after the deaths of our
    soulmates. I call us The Grief Warriors
    ( TGW). I'm the oldest of 4 "brothers"
    here: Gary, from Indiana, George, from
    Illinois, and Chad, from Texas. The first
    widows to welcome me , were Karen,
    from California, and Patti, from South
    Carolina. There are 2 other widows from
    South Carolina: DEB & Helena. Helena
    has been MIA for a while , and we hope
    she's all right. Christmas and New Year's
    were very tough, as you know. DEB comes
    back from time to time, and writes
    humorous "books" when she greets new
    members. We try to lighten our grief with
    funny nicknames, which George started.
    It's silly , but makes us laugh. DEB is
    Debster, Karen is "Ms. Hum"( bc she says
    "Hum" at the end of her replies), I'm
    Louster, and sometimes Lobster Lou,
    bc like you in Maine, I live near lobstermen. I never thought I'd laugh,or
    even smile ,again, after Linda died. All I
    did was cry. But, Linda had a talk with me
    when she became ill, and made me promise to be healthy, and even , eventually, happy. Lou
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  12. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    P.S. DEB is from South Carolina. Deb,
    as in Deborah A., a new member, is from
    Minn.I like to find out about the places
    people live.
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  13. Janiceanne

    Janiceanne Guest

    Hi Tracy,
    Welcome, I am a fairly new member myself. Tom left me on September 19, 2022. He had been and on Hospice, at home, since June. The last four days he was admitted to the inpatient Hospice because I could no longer control his pain at home. He died four days later. He was in a coma but I was so blessed to be with him when he passed. I miss him every minute of each day. I try to keep busy and make myself do things to get out of the house. I know he would not want me to just sit and do nothing. It is difficult with so much paperwork and house stuff. I have learned not to make hasty decisions. On a whim I think well, I will get rid of that. That turns out to be something I needed to keep. So, please, make only the necessary decisions and take your time with everything else. I have cars to sell, and people keep asking me about them but I am just not ready.
    I am from South Carolina,
    Love and hugs
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  14. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Janiceanne, I apologize for omitting you
    from my list of widow sisters from South
    Carolina: Patti, ( first person to welcome
    me), Helena, and my good friend, DEB).
    The first 2 have disappeared for a while,
    and I hope they're OK. DEB drops by to
    greet new members from time to time.
    About to go to sleep at 10pm, my time.
    Hope you & other Grief Warriors sleep
    well. Lou
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  15. Rose69

    Rose69 Well-Known Member

    HI Tracy, I want to join my friends in saying that my heart goes out to you, we all know what you're going through and you have done the right thing joining us. I'm in Italy, thousands of miles away, but the warmth, closeness and understanding that everyone has shown me here makes me feel that I'm just next door.
    I was married 25 years to my lovely husband before he was suddenly, cruelly, unexpectedly, prematurely taken away from me and my two grownup children, from a cardiac arrest. He was only 57 yrs of age, fit and healthy, the most dynamic person I'd ever met, taught us so much. His legacy lives on though, through us. At first, I felt guilty that I was living "without" him, doing normal things "without" him, eating, going shopping, trying to continue all the passions we shared like learning to play the piano, and so much more, "without" him. Now that word "without" has become "for". I live "for" him, he is living through me, I'm continuing his projects "for" him, looking after our property where he put so much work in, "for" him, making the right decisions "for" him. His influence is everywhere in my house, in my mind, in everything I do.I find strength this way to carry on. Our soulmates are part of us, we 'moulded' together during all those years we spent together, became 'one person, one mind, one spirit', we will always take them with us. In time, we learn to live this new life, that hole in our lives will always be there but will become more manageable, and soon our memories will not only make us cry but will also let us smile.
    It's twentysix months now, and this site has helped me a lot in releasing my pain, letting me pour my heart out, sharing our feelings, knowing I'm not alone and that everything we are feeling is absolutely normal. It took me a year and a half before finding courage to search for a grief forum online, before then I was completely numb, wouldn't have been able to write a word. I understand about putting up with all the wrong and cruel things people say. They probably mean well but are so embarrassed, they don't know what to say, so end up 'babbling' about stuff which is just so hurtful for us. That's why it's necessary to talk to others who are going through the same pain of losing a soulmate, to find the empathy we need. You will find that here Tracy.
    Sending you strength and comfort, hope to "speak" to see you soon.
    Take care.
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  16. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Wow,Rose, you have become a star on
    Grief in Common. I remember when I
    first welcomed you, and asked your
    husband's name. You were reluctant at
    first, like many here, but, in honor of your
    husband, as a private man,said his name
    is C. I am so grateful you did, Rose, bc
    you've been able to paint a beautiful
    picture of your life with C. and after, with
    your love of music and walking in nature
    in the countryside of Italy. You've gone
    one step further, in sharing photos of
    your views there. I've learned much from
    you and other Grief Warriors here. Your
    use of the word "for" our soulmates, instead of "without" , is powerful. Thank
    you for reaching out to comfort a new
    member, Tracy, but you've also enlightened and comforted me this
    morning. Thank you so much. Lou
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  17. Thank you to everyone that has welcomed me. This uncharted journey I'm on has led me to seek out people who are on the same journey. Although I hate the idea that others are going through this, I find more comfort talking to someone who understands what I'm going through and it helps me to know that I'm not crazy.

    Van Gogh, although I live in Maine, I'm originally from Louisiana and raised in East Texas. Mike was originally from here and we moved here 16 years ago. It's a beautiful place which I love dearly. But it's makes it difficult now as I have no family here. Mike came from a very small family. My family on the other hand has single handedly tried to repopulate the Northern Hemisphere.... but none of them live close.

    On the other hand, I feel this is a journey I need to make "alone" right now. I am not ready for any of my family to visit, because I know once they leave, I'll still be alone. This was my biggest reason to seek out support groups and others who are experiencing the same rollercoaster ride.

    If it's okay, I'll post stories of Mike and me. I find writing about him and our life together therapeutic.

    I'm sorry we've had to "meet" under these circumstances, but I am thankful you have all been so welcoming.
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  18. cjpines

    cjpines Well-Known Member

    Tracy, this is Karen. So sorry, so sorry. I know how devastated you are. I lost my Jack two years ago to cancer. I had him home for two weeks with hospice and will never forget the night he passed. It will always be in my mind forever. We were married 39 years.
    I've read all the post here and hope it will help you to keep with us and share. I feel and still feel everything you are going through even after two years, but the tears have soften and some of the pain.
    I'm very glad Lou, Louster, explained some of our nicknames for you so you will know we all aren't crazy just being silly. Silliness seems to help the pain if only for a few moments.
    As everyone mentioned: the need to take care of yourself is very important even if you don't care. I didn't care and I've had to turn it around for health reasons. Welcome to the warriors clan. Bless you, Tracy.
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  19. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Tracy, please call me Lou. I've changed
    since I joined GIC in July, 2021. I was a
    tortured , sobbing mess,and chose Van
    Gogh, my favorite painter as my user
    name. Thank you for sharing your family
    history. I can see a glimmer of a sense of
    humor, when you said your family
    "singlehandedly tried to repopulate the
    Northern Hemisphere". A sense of
    humor, a belief in God, a belief in myself,
    and a promise to Linda that I would try
    to be healthy, and even, happy, has kept me
    going. Lou
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  20. Van Gogh

    Van Gogh Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Karen ("Ms. Hum") for giving
    me credit about the nicknames, but I owe
    a debt of gratitude to my younger brother,
    George, who started the craze. Louster