Lost the love of my life to addiction

I have lost the love of my life and he’s also my youngest daughters dad and he was her sisters step dad.....we met back in 2007 and when I laid eyes on him I just knew I could feel it... I was so inlove and so happy being with him... he was my best friend and soulmate... we did so much together and when I think back I start crying cause I realize that we won’t have times like that again.. I won’t see his face anymore... and the pain is beyond painful cause it hurts so bad... he suffered from drug and alcohol addiction and I always was his top supporter for getting help and getting treatment so he could beat his addiction... I wanted him to make it and live cause I never wanted that day to come he was in and out of rehab so he did try and I’m proud of him for that... but unfortunately his addiction took over and took him away from us... I’ve been so lost sad depressed lonely and when I think about how he is gone I just sob and cry... I even go into a dark headspace cause his death has caused me so much heartache... I think of all the fun memories we shared and fun times we had... places we visited...my daughter hurts cause she no longer has a father on this earth and she always talks about her dad.. she brings him up all the time... and I’m sad for her cause she will never have a chance to have a relationship with him now... I get angry and depressed I isolate myself cause after he died all the hope I had was gone... he was my happy place we was so close and I felt safe and comfortable with him but his addiction caused many issues between us...I can’t Handel this loss It hurts so much and it just made a year so for a whole year I’ve been trying to accept he’s gone sometimes still in denial then I’ll do a lil better until it hits me and the holidays are the hardest... it hurts cause I wanted him to beat his addiction he was very kind and caring such a giving person.. he did a lot to make me happy... his family waited too long to try to help him and I get angry about that too....I’m having a hard time excepting that I have to move on... having a hard time letting go of him... I’m about to get a tattoo in honor of him cause he was such a huge part of my life...I remember him saying I love you I miss you his feelings never changed for me no matter who or what tried to come in the way... I currently live in PA and when we was younger we was in NYC where we are both from... so many city nights he would take me to dinner in the heart of NYC he loved to go out to eat and try different foods and he was a daredevil he had me get on some of the biggest roller coasters with him... we had nicknames for each other... his name is Javier and he made me happy not all the time but most of the time... he was hardworking he loved his job...he was a functional alcoholic... once I realized he had an addiction at that point I had already fell inlove with him cause we spent a lot of quality time together... I miss Javier and I’m lonely I feel empty inside and I miss my old life... knowing he will never ever be apart of my life is devastating... and I’m completely devastated and I need support to get through this...it’s scary the thought of him never being here for us or with us...lately I’ve been having a hard time on Xmas eve I was ok but on Xmas day it hurt so bad I fell apart..I feel stuck in this grief I’m still not use to it... even if we had a fight or didn’t talk for days or however I still knew he was alive...his love gave me such hope it uplifted me... no matter what I knew he cared for me those ppl mean the most the ones who showed you how much they cared... and how much they loved you... I don’t have many ppl in my life and my grandmother who raised me passed away the same year I had our daughter... when Javier was upset or dealing with a situation I was his go to person he trusted me and opened up to me I was his happy place....now when I want to talk to him I have to visit his grave I’ve only been twice it’s so hard for me... I need him his daughter needs him and I can’t believe he left he was so young I wanted to grow old with him and have a better future with him sober... I know New Years will be hard for me too... I remember one New Year’s Eve we went out to dance and he wasn’t a dancer but I am so he went to see me happy...if he never had an addiction I know he would still be here with us and I feel robbed of love and happiness cause our bond was invincible.... and it was tight now I have to figure out how to be ok on this earth without him...I hope grief counseling will help me... ppl say he’s no longer suffering he’s in a better place he’s watching over us....but that doesn’t take away my heartache ....Thank you for reading my story and my sincere condolences to you ❤️

 

I'm brand new to this site but I am standing in shoes similar to yours. We have no children together but he was the love of my life. His family had very little contact with him when we first met. I have the same feelings that they didn't do enough. I just lost my love about 6 weeks ago so no holidays yet. He died on his birthday but I wasn't notified until the day after. So no holidays have passed for me yet.
It hurts my heart that nobody reached out to you guess there's little hope for me. Anyway I suck at this whole typing thing but if you want to chat I'm here. Maybe we can help each other navigate.

 

Is this a self-study course as well?

 

Hi.This is my first post. I'm new here. I can definitely understand you and your feelings, Avealina. I lost my husband to addiction, too. Our story is a little different than yours but I've felt a lot of what you were describing. Lance was my rock. He was my world, my life, the air that I breathe. He was EVERYTHING to me. I didn't have any friends because I didn't need any - I had HIM and that was all I needed. We have a daughter together but because of his drug use, they weren't very close. His family is in a different state (they blame me for his death, btw) and both my parents have passed away. So I'm more or less alone. And as I'm sure you know, when you're alone for long periods of time, you start to THINK and that leads to sadness, loneliness, hopelessness and depression. I wish so much I could help you, Avealina, because maybe then I could help myself, too. Best wishes.

 

I am very sorry for your great loss. Even though you feel alone, don't forget that God is always there for us. He wants to help us through this terrible grief, and He really understands the depth of the pain of it because He suffered so greatly when He was on this earth. He loves you and you can always cry out to him for comfort.
There are grief support groups if you feel like this would help you. There are groups on this website and also on the website GriefShare. You can look on there to see which groups are meeting near you and also there are groups that meet online. I pray you will find the support you need.
Love,
Chris

 

Thank you for your kind words. You'd be surprised to know how just a simple, honest word or two from someone can help so much. I appreciate that you took the time to reply to my post. You made my day a little better. Thanks again!

 

So glad to hear that I have helped you in some small way.
May you have a blessed day tomorrow.
Chris