Lost the love of my life a month ago

Discussion in 'Loss from Substance Abuse' started by Luke coburn, Oct 11, 2020.

  1. Luke coburn

    Luke coburn New Member

    Her name was Jessica Binion. I loved her with all my heart and soul. We connected on so many levels. She was a lot younger than me but taught me so much about myself. We were only together a little over a year. We knew each other a year before. Both of us have always been a bit on the wild side. The first night we got together we did some ketamine and orange sunshine lsd. We really felt a strong connection and that was pretty much the beginning of our love life. I had previously had a long on and off addiction with cocaine. About 3 months into our relationship she wanted to know about and share everything that I had experienced. I was a little hesitant at first, but finally decided why not. We had quite a few great together and when the Covid situation started the shut down, the cocaine supply had pretty much dwindled down to non existent. So, we decided to quit since the quality was weak and cost wasn’t worth it. She was a much heavier drinker then myself. One day, she was drinking and got upset and had a friend pick her up. That “friend”brought her to a mental hospital on July 4th and I had no idea what happened to her until the 9th when she contacted me after getting released. I had started doing coke again during that time as I turned to it to escape my sadness. That didn’t really work. She had also decided she wanted to do some after getting back. So we continued trying to get some every now and then but once again found weak stuff. Feeling disappointed, we kept trying to find something good every now and then. Then on Sept. 8th we got something that wasn’t normal but we didn’t put together what was wrong. It turned out to be fetynol. She did some Sept 9th sometime before we went to bed. I didn’t do any, I didn’t know she had some put back for herself. I woke up the next morning after going to bed around 2:30-3 about our normal time for bed. Everything seemed to be fine with her, although she feel asleep before me which was a little unusual. I woke up and brought her some water. That’s when I found her unresponsive and cold to the touch. I tried waking her up and knew she wasn’t waking up but I still tried. That’s when I called 911. Its the most horrible thing that has every happened. I am completely lost without her. Every moment of every day is a struggle. I left the place we were living at together and now I am staying with friends. The two places I have been staying are pretty much wore out at this point. I don’t know where to go or what to do with my life. I do know I never want to touch drugs ever again. I don’t feel like this issomething I’ll ever be able to get over or through. Also, her family is trying to blame me and saying I killed her which is totally not true. This is making the experience even morestressful though. This was the last thing I could have ever imagined happening. I dream about her about once a week. Had a dream last nightwe were sleeping together and talking and thenshe was gone and I could only find her bag. I woke up pretty upset, obviously. I went tochurch for the first time in very many years thismorning and is was alright. I feel completelystuck and lost and empty.
  2. Dremme

    Dremme New Member

    I am so sorry for your loss. Today marks 1 month since the love of my life passed away. Im still struggling to cope with the loss. I found him cold and stiff. Everything was normal the night it happened so I thought nothing was wrong. My whole world came crashing apart when I got home from work and saw him there.
    You are in my thoughts....
  3. Bdawkins

    Bdawkins New Member

    October 17,2020 is the day I came home and found my husband overdosed lying on our bed. I am a nurse and had to be let into our apartment because he had the door safety latched and I couldn’t gain entrance. I knew something was wrong. I performed 20 minutes of cpr on a man that I vowed to spend the rest of my life with and was suppose to do just that. We were suppose see and do so much in this new city we just moved to. He had been clean off heroin since June. No signs of relapse at all. I wasn’t suppose to be at work but picked up some shifts and that day was one. I work at a psychiatric hospital. I’m still loving in our apartment. I have no family in this new city. It’s just me. This is the first time I’ve ever posted on a website for grief. I don’t even know what I’m doing. But I know I’ve got to start somewhere. Seeing what we see when we find the people we love is not normal and it does cause damage. We don’t put the drugs in thier system they do. We make our own choices. But grief can make it’s own set of guilt. Anyway. Hopefully being in here will help. Thanks for letting me post.
  4. melissarenaek

    melissarenaek New Member

    Your story is so very similar to mine it was as if I was reading what has happened to me at times. I lost him November 22nd. My best friend. My soulmate. My person. I never believed in “my person” before him. I feel like I’m just a shell just existing now trying to hold my shit together for everyone who doesn’t understand how deep my pain is. I too went to church last night. I am religious. I know he is in a better place and is at peace. But my pain is selfish. I need him back with me. How do I go my whole life or whatever is left of it, without him? I now feel completely alone on this earth. There were so many things left unsaid. No closure. I will never have him again during this life. I will never fall asleep on his chest to the sound of his heart beating. He was different than the rest. I always knew that. His soul was too special for this world. I don’t know what to do or how to push forward. I’m grasping at straws trying to figure that out. Praying for answers and signs, searching for psychics online, joining grief communities and groups to try to find out how other have done it. I know I was beyond lucky to have even experienced that kind of love. I think it’s so rare and a whole lot of people never ever experience anything like that. For that I am grateful, but also more lost. Where do I go from here?