Lost partner of 10 years then found out after he passed about infidelities

Discussion in 'Coping After a Sudden Loss' started by Empty hearted, Aug 7, 2022.

  1. Empty hearted

    Empty hearted New Member

    My partner and father of my daughter passed away july 10th from injuries of a car accident. He was hit by a drunk driver on the first of July. Almost a month after the accident I looked in his cell phone and found a message to another woman. I don’t want to try to focus on the infidelity I want to focus on the grieving of my relationship I had with him. How can I focus on the good memories and not the betrayal? I’m heart broken left with so many unanswered questions and my mind won’t stop racing can anyone help?
    Chris M 2000 likes this.
  2. junestar

    junestar Guest

    I don't know what else to say about the infidelity piece but: I'm so sorry; what a total mind-f*ck.

    I lost my partner a year ago in June, also to a drunk driver. I know how hard I've found it to a) grieve the loss of him, b) grieve the loss of our future, and c) deal with all of the horror of the way he died. To do all that *and* process what you've found...it's so, so much. I don't know how to keep your mind from racing, but at the very least, if you can, give yourself the grace to grieve however it happens.
    DogsAreMyLife likes this.
  3. Chris M 2000

    Chris M 2000 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for your loss and for all the pain you are bearing. I know someone whose daughter experienced a similar situation. It is a very difficult thing to reconcile your mind to.
    I hear you say you want to focus on the good memories. That is a very good start. Do you have pictures of some of the things you two did together? Maybe you could write down some short stories of times you had with him that were especially meaningful to you. Play some music you both enjoyed together. When your mind starts to wander just immediately tell yourself, " I can't think about that" and the redirect your mind to something else. I had a counselor tell me there is a tape recording in your head and you have to record something over it in order to stop those thoughts.

    LISAAFK New Member

    I had something similar, however look back, and realize his lack of emotional support, just seemed wrong. There wasnt any physical contact, but I saw things he wrote her. Shes a continent away. He lied to her saying he'd put her under a guys name . Typical. I think he wanted me to find it, but didnt plan on a heart attack. Its been a year and a half. I let myself feel that when its in the forefront and I still miss him incredibly at other times I feel there are many shades to any marriage. Its such a deep commitment. I believe that. You're entitled to your very own emotions wherever they land. Kids do pick up on that, so if you can schedule time for the next emotion? After bed etc.
  5. Rickam214

    Rickam214 New Member

    I am in a similar situation I lost my fiancee Friday and it seems he was still inappropriately communicating with his Ex. I am the same I want to focus on him and us but I keep finding myself getting angry over that. And then I feel bad cause it's like does it matter he is gone. I just don't know how to let it go
  6. Paula Iris Sparks

    Paula Iris Sparks New Member

    I can't imagine that extra amount of devestation. I could but I won't go through his phone because I don't want to know. I believe in my heart that he never cheated emotionally or physically...my guy had been widowed 3 years when we met...and it was hard for him to get close but he loved me even though he thought he would never love again..so..i really don't believe he would but I won't allow myself to go through his phone bc If by some crazy reason he did, at this point, i would prefer not to know..because I am not sure I could handle that devestation on top of losing the man I was going to grow old with..so suddenly and so brutally. my heart goes out to you both so deeply ...I would highly suggest counseling for that because how do you deal with that too!? And with no answers to all the questoins? I couldn't do that on my own and it is 1000% ok to accept that you need help to untangle that anger, feelings of betrayal & grief...sometimes it's too much to do solo... I hope you both find peace ...all love
    MICHAEL2023 likes this.