I was 24 when both of my parents passed away completely unexpectedly. My father, who I didn’t have a great relationship with, passed away in May of 2016 in his sleep at 60. I was mostly just freaked out at the time because I had this idea in my head (probably from movies) that you’ll live with so much regret when someone dies and you never sorted your problems out. After the initial shock, I came to terms with the fact that it’s okay we didn’t have a good relationship. He was not good to me, or my mom and brother. I even felt a sigh of relief after a little bit, if I’m being honest. His funeral gave my mom, brother and I some much needed time together. My brother had just moved to Canada, and I was living in Chicago while mom still lived in Florida where we grew up. As we spent time sorting my dads things, we knew we had so much on our hands. But my brother and I had to get back to our jobs so we had only planned to stay in Florida a little while and my mom was more than willing to sort out the rest and take it slow. My mom was my best friend, soul mate, everything. It was always so hard to say goodbye to her to head back home because we would get so sad and just sob. So when we said goodbye at the airport we did a quick hug jokingly so we didn’t cause a scene and went our separate ways. I called her when I got home, and went to bed. The next morning I went to work and texted her that a TV show was being filmed in my apartment building which I thought was neat. No text back. Suddenly everyone at work started acting weird around me, and I thought it’s because they knew I just got back from my dads funeral. Then HR came to my desk and said that someone was trying to get a hold of me. So my first thought was my mom. No answer. Again, and again and again I kept trying. I called my brother, and the moment he answered the phone I knew. I felt something was off but the second he answered and I knew he was okay, I knew it had to be mom. I told him that someone was trying to get in touch with me but I didn’t know who and I felt like something was wrong with mom. He hung up. He called me back a minute later to tell me what he had found out from her coworkers who went to check on her when she didn’t come into work. She was gone. I collapsed in the office and was punching the floor and screaming. By the time I looked up the office was empty and just one of my friends was by my side (they must have cleared out the place because prior to this there were 50 coworkers around the office). I think back to that moment often. When I can’t sleep, when I’m just doing random tasks. It’s always in my head. Hearing my brother say the words, she’s gone. It haunts me. She was 57. Healthy as can be. Collapsed in her bathroom while getting ready for work. My best friend. My absolute heart and soul. At least I let her know how much she meant to me. But I knew from this moment forward that my life was completely ruined. I wish we would have hugged one second longer. 5 years on June 9th. 5 years. I replay these moments as if it were yesterday. Every single day I see her with her eyes closed, stiff. I was the only one to see her at the funeral home- per my request. I think I needed to see her to know it was real and she didn’t just go into hiding or something (denial). But there she was. My mother. Who was just running around the house joking with us 3 days prior. My mother. The kindest, goofiest, biggest lust for life, human that I ever knew. My mom. My freaking mom. Ugh. Why her? She wanted to live so badly, she wanted life, she wanted everything. What a waste of precious energy. I will never be loved so deeply again. And it’s a pain that can’t be described.