Lost of my one and only son

For me, it is seeing boys my son's age when he died or the age he would be out with his mother, I stare at the child mostly no one noticed if they do I walk away.

 

It seems to strike in me that I was being selfish to find and know I'm not alone and this hurt. Knowing I am not alone helps me to not feel all alone. If that makes any sense at all.

 

I do the same when I see parents with a son his age. I feel so envious and long for him even more.

 

Does the crying and immense pain ever subside? Everytime I go out and try to be normal again, my chest feel so heavy and tight like its gona explode. I miss him so much I could die...

 

Yes it will subside with time. It is normal for your chest to feel that way. While it does subside it doesn't mean that you will never shed tears I do have my days of crying and hurting and replaying and questioning and of course doubting myself. I don't think things have completely went back to normal and I don't think they will but I am at somewhat of a normalcy most days I still have an unnormal day or week or even the occasional month not being able to get things together. At first I could not keep up with time days schedules I would leave people hanging just because I forgot to show up. Honestly I do remember that heavy feeling of an elephant being on my chest I did go to the doctor and she showed me I wasn't going to die and of course wanted to give me anxiety pills but I passed. I tried to just take deep breaths. Try to drink a lot of water I know that sounds stupid but one thing I remember is I was extremely dehydrated. My hands became wrinkled like old lady hands. It almost feels like you have had the flu you were extremely exhausted. don't try to bounce back too quick and everything that's normal maybe pick one or two normal things for your day and incorporate that. I was thinking of you yesterday but I want to give you space I do have notifications on so I will try to respond as soon as I see it. Which sometimes I don't always have my phone with me.

 

My apologies for the typos. I will try to do better ☺️

 

I agree with Jennifer. The crying and immense pain do subside and things keep getting better as time goes on. You will be able to function again.

 

I feel like Im about to lose control and just end this pain. I cannot imagine going any further with life without him. Suicidal thoughts just keep popping in my head because of the immense pain. not being able to ever see him and talk to him again just keeps hitting me really hard. Everything I do, and see reminds me of him. We did everything together, we went everywhere together. It was me and him most of the time. Is the purpose of my existance to just continue to suffer like this i wonder. Ive been through so much heartache and pain but this one is unbearable.

 

There are times I feel numb and act ok but there are times that I just want to explode.

 

It is very very hard to get through, but if you ever want to see him again in the next life, you must endure this trial of your faith. If you cry out to God, He will help you navigate this dark tunnel you are passing through and help you get to the other side where there is light and where you will want to go on. You can call the National Suicide Preverntion Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or call 911. They will talk with you and help you get through this difficult time until you are strong enough to survive without taking your life. My number is 828-549-0520. Please talk with someone before you do anything drastic. I care about your welfare.

 

It is been just thoughts and you are absolutely right that if I ever want to see him again I cannot take that route. I also know that my family will suffer more if I do but sometimes I cant help to be selfish and just think about my pain and suffering and it shouldnt be that way.

 

I am relieved to hear you say that. It is fine if you need to express your feelings that way, I just wanted to make sure you won't serious enough to carry it through. I think all who have lost a child have gone through thinking about suicide-I know I did. I know from my own experience that you are right about how much pain it would cause others who care about you. Sending you hugs and love,
Chris

 

thank you!!! <3

 

I'm sorry I missed you last night. I think I was in the grief chat talking to another lady. Does it seem these thoughts are more intense at night time when everyone and everything is quite?

 

You are doing the right thing by expressing these thoughts. Did you try switching your focus to something else? Even if it is just three minutes at a time. Sewing, coloring,word search something. Even origination in your home. I came home and for weeks had every light in my house on at crazy hours 3am cleaning like a mad women. This helped those nights Job talked about in the book of Job. At my bed stand I have word search still to this day also flower catalogs and my Bible. So if I need extra help getting my mind to focus I can reach over at night. Honestly I still need to sit up and busy myself. Just now I have more physical energy and a garden in memory of my son. In fact I do a lot of things in his memory. I ask myself what would my baby want me to do? I made a decision shortly after he died he would want me to move on the best I could and to do those activities and things that we did together. Has it been hard absolutely do I do everything not yet some things are harder than others that we did together. He was outside with me all the time he was my little helper ❤️ we hiked together, we fished anything outside he loved. So I spend most of my days doing what he would want me to do. I would imagine his little face looking down at me and wondering did he want mama to hurt herself and be sad always. Our sons are in heaven and we have to strive to get to heaven.

 

Great advice!

 

There really is no specific time. It sort of just triggers when I miss him so much and when its really painful just thinking about him and looking at his pictures. When I feel so alone and when I feel sorry for myself (I know this is being selfish)

 

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I have been trying to do more and more stuff everyday and I can say that Im a bit better at that now than before when all I did was watch tv, cry, sleep, and, feel sorry for myself but everytime I think of the accident I get so angry at myself also. How could I have done that to my son who is my world and my everything. He showed me what true love really is. There are times where I look at myself in the mirror and say "how can you be so stupid and careless. You should have died not him. You deserve to be punish like this and you dont deserve to be happy because of what you did"

 

Being stupid and careless can be forgiven. The hard part to forgive in ourselves is when we know we have been cruel and heartless, which is what I feel I did with our older son when he was a baby. So stupid and careless seems much easier to be forgiven than the other. We are not perfect and we all make mistakes we wish we could go back and change. I know your grief over this. I can hardly forgive myself.