Lost of my one and only son

It really is. no words for it. I just hate everything

 

I'm exhausted physically and mentally two years I can't believe it. It just recently started sinking in that I miss him. I almost don't want the shock to wear off at least if I'm numb I can't feel anything.

 

Its only been two months for me and Im already so drained. Not sure where Ill be in two years. Your stronger than me.

 

I don't know that I am stronger alone. I have turned to people a lot and of course Jesus from day one. Thou I do recall the first few months not talking much. I was in shock and as you said drained. Give yourself a little grace dear you are strong. You are at least reaching out to one person and I feel honored you are. I was looking for another place to live two months after. We drove to Fl near Fort Pierce driving all over with our friends. Now I look back and wonder what on earth was wrong with me! I did not want to look across the road is what was going on in my head I guess. Now I am numb I can function at least now. I went numb about a year ago. I notice when I hug anyone it is a cold numb I have no emotion. Oddly I am no longer ticklesh.

 

I thought about moving because it was going to be too painful to be in the house with all the memories we shared with him then realized that I didnt want to just forget all the amazing time we had with him. When I first saw him lying in bed I could not cry. I was so shocked, numb, and was so angry with myself, god, and the universe.

 

I didn't cry when I look down at my son laying on the bed. Everyone around me was crying but I was in shock. I just stared into space for several days. When I finally did outburst my husband more or less made me stop he later told me he thought I was going to have heart failure. He should have just left me alone and let me get it all out. I also wanted to look at photos immediately after just stare at them and my husband didn't want me to he said it would make it harder. Once again he should have just let me be.

 

Dave was the same way. Couldn't stand to see me cry so I had to go in the closet or bathroom. I wonder too if crying wouldn't have helped me move forward better. God gave us tears for a reason. After all, it was our son that died so what better reason to cry. If you can't cry then, when will you be allowed to cry?
I went to a memorial service for a friend's son. I thought: now at this place I will be allowed to cry, but when the service was over and the musicians were still playing, I didn't want to leave. I just wanted to stay there for awhile while the crowd went over to the other building to eat. Was I allowed to do that? No! One of my friends didn't want me staying there by myself, so she wouldn't give up trying to get me to go over there. It seems everyone thinks if you show any signs of grief right away they want to fix it or stop it. Well, I can't blame them I guess. They just don't understand and I wouldn't have done any better before I knew what it was like. I say, just let people cry or grieve in the way they need to because it was someone they loved dearly.
Love you ladies,
Chris

 

Ive been crying ever since. Hell all I do is cry. There are days where I wish not to feel anything or just not remember anything to help ease the pain. Ive been reading on how someone can die from a broken heart and Ive hoped that would happen to me too. Today is extremely painful as I replay the accident over and over again. As I talk to him, all I do is apologize for what I did. I ask him how can I be ok without him, how can continue to live on without him. How can I be alive and his not beside me. How can I make sense to all of this. This world has been so cruel.

 

I don't know if I believe someone can die of a broken heart, because I think I would have and I imagine every other mother feels that way too. I used to think alot to myself 'who can fix a broken heart? who can put my heart back together?' I think only God can. You have had a huge piece of your heart ripped out and just like an unjury it is going to take awhile to heal
Please remember it won't always be this painful. I have made it through the worst of days and so you can too. Don't give up hope. There are better days ahead for you if you hold on.
I always wondered also like you, 'why am I here and Shawn is not'. You were in an accident and it is just what it is named, an accident-You didn't do anything on purpose to hurt anyone and I hope you will forgive yourself for what you perceive as your fault. It was just life that occured. Unfortunately things that occur in life are not always good. What happened to us was terrible, but we must keep going because God has left us here for a purpose.
Even though you don't think so now, you will find your purpose.
Chris

 

Im very thankful to have you both as I dont have anyone that I can talk to who can relate to how I feel and what Im going through. Everything is still very fresh in mind and in my heart. Im holding on as hard as I can but I just never know how I will feel each day.

 

Just don't expect too much out of yourself. You are in the early stages of this walk through grief and you are doing good if you are getting up, getting dressed, eating a healthy diet, and trying to get outside each day.
I am always glad to hear from you. Don't worry about what you say or how you feel because I do understand. Express whatever you need to.

 

I am off to church but I will check back when I get home.

 

I stepped outside my yard and heard all my neighbors happy and celebrating I just started bawling and had to go back inside. Why cant I be happy like them, why couldnt we have a normal life like everyone else. All my friends are celebrating with their family and kids. I hate this life.

 

I know. A long time ago I took a walk in our neighborhood one day. We live in the mountains. Up above me I heard people sitting on their deck laughing. It just struck me as strange-people living a normal life while my world had stopped. People laughing-it just seemed so strange-I used to do that. It justy seemed so odd that the world was going on just as it always had without me. I know what you mean.

 

exactly, people and my family have moved on except for me... It so unfair that ive gone through this over and over and over.

 

it is comforting enough to know that we are not alone with we are going through. I joined this to find people who can relate and will understand how I feel and Ive found that. Its been a big help that I can come here and let out my feelings and emotions just knowing someone cares and listening and can relate. We are here to comfort each other.

 

I would shut the windows when my neighbors two grandsons came over to play. For a second I would think it was my two boys outside playing it was unbearable. I don't hear them this year because covid came it is nice not to deal with it this year.

 

I feel you. I cannot even be around my friends kids who are my son's friend without feeling so much pain cuz he should be around as well. It breaks my heart to see them and my son is not.

 

I wanted to move away because of the thought being around the same people is just so painful hence Ive just been home since my son left me. Ive out here and there but its not the same and it will never be the same.