Lost of my one and only son

Ive gone through so many griefs in my life and have been strong for all of it for my family but this one is just too much that Im being selfish and only thinking about my pain and suffering. Im tired of going through this all my life. Im tired of being miserable. I feel so alone at times and questioning my existance becuase of all the trauma Ive been through. I know it doesnt just happen to me but I do feel that it only happens to me. I cant talk to any of the people I know cuz no one will understand. I been looking for support groups around my area who are in similar situations.

 

I went for counseling. It did help. I went to a Christian counselor and whenever I needed an answer he would stop and pray and I got the answer. I also went on antidepressant meds. They do help me even now, but that's not to say they will help you. You have to find the right one for your body.

 

If you are looking for a support group, you can go to the website, "Griefshare", put in your zip code, and it will bring up any of their support groups that are meeting in your area.

 

Having one of those days of regrets, guilt, thinking of all the what ifs. Its so painful and I feel like giving up to end this pain and suffering. When Im alone, I go back to that day. How can I be so careless, stupid, and irresponsible that the accident happened. I miss my him so much. We did everything togethed and now Im all alone and hopeless.

 

I hear your cry of desperation. How many times I have asked myself those questions too. It is heartbreaking to know we can't go back to change anything. Not only that, but I blamed my husband so much-even though our son left a note that said he knew we tried our best. You tried your best on that day. If there was anything you could have done to prevent having that accident or losing your son, I know you would have. We are not as much in control of circumstances as we would like to think we are. Looking back we see things that we think might have changed what happened, but if we had known it at the time, we would have done it. You did the best you could with what knowledge you had that day. There is absolutely no doubt that if you had known to do anything differently that day, you would have.
My thoughts about this blaming ourselves and regrets is that it is my way of trying to get my son back again. If only I had done this or that, or not done this or that, he would still be here. Our heart just doesn't want to accept the fact that we can't do anything to change what has happened.
I was still looking for my son to pull into our driveway-that's how stubborn our heart is in not accepting our tragedy.
I pray you will have a better day tomorrow. I don't know about you, but as evening approached and night came, that, and waking up to reality in the morning were my worst times. Sometimes in the day light it didn't look quite as horrible as it did the night before.
Love to you,
Chris

 

If you need to talk I'll listen. I don't have anything to say besides that. I did/do have regrets and for sure I blame myself for being so stupid that day. I felt like I basically handed my son a ticket to go die.

 

Ive just been isolating myself and not talking to anyone outside of my household. I feel like I need to punish myself for what Ive done. People are reaching out but I just choose to not respond. I feel alone but I dont wana reach out to anyone. I just wana be alone and take all this pain in because of the guilt. I deserve to suffer like because of what I did to my son.

 

I've blocked a lot out I can't remember some things unless I have a trigger. My mom said I would not talk to her. I remember sitting and staring at the walls for several months. I would not turn the TV on or look at my phone I feared I would see him on the news. I thought God was punching me. I just knew it was my fault. After all I did let my boys play near the pond. How stupid of me for doing such irresponsible thing. Right?! I told them they could go play! I wrestled with myself day after day after day. Sometimes I still do but I mostly stay very busy trying to do positive productive things in my home yard and community. After a while I read a scripture that helped me so I did come to terms that it was his time to go and nothing was going to stop it.

Job 14:9
Seeing his days are determined, thee number of his months are with thee, that has appointed his bounds that he cannot pass.

Whether you are a Christian or not the book of Job is a wonderful book to read about loss.

 

I had a strong Catholic faith before I lost my son but now its hard to believe in anything anymore. I also used to believe that everything happens for a reason. I just dont see or cannot accept the reasoning behind this. Life has been really cruel to me.

 

Are you wondering if God really understands what you are going through after your loss? Does He even care about your pain? In the Bible you will find assurance that God does understand and wants to help you. He is described as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.”

He knows what is happening to you, “But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted: you consider their grief and take it in hand.”

God wants you to talk to Him about your hurts, to “pour out your heart to him.”

Not only does God want to ease your suffering, but He also actually relates to it. As painful as it was, God allowed his only son, Jesus Christ, to die as part of His plan to end suffering and death. He wanted to bring comfort, hope, and healing to you.

 

Why do we even have pain, suffering, and death? In the beginning God gave mankind the choice between life and death. He offered them the choice of an abundant life-plenty of food without working for it, health, no knowledge of pain, suffering or being separated from our loved ones. But He also gave them the choice to choose to go their own way and disregard His plain warning that their own way was the way of death-and this is what they chose because they thought God was withholding something good from them. What we would have never known if they had obeyed is death, separation from loved ones, pain, and suffering. It is not God who chose this way, but mankind who thinks they know more than God, who chose it. God wanted us to live in a perfect ‘paradise’ where there would be no lack of food, no death, no pain, no separation from our loved ones, no suffering.

This is how suffering and death came to exist. We suffer because all of us have disobeyed God. This disobedience is called sin. God is pure and holy; therefore, He has to punish sin-but God is compassionate. He does not want us to meet our deserved fate.

So God came in the form of man, Jesus Christ, to pay our penalty, which was death. Jesus experienced death and separation from the Father, on our behalf, even though He was perfect. It is the ultimate expression of God’s love.

Ultimately God’s plan will put an end to murder, cancer, tragic accidents, loneliness, sadness, depression, and grief. One day “there will be no more death or mourning or crying, or pain.” So even in the sorrow you feel right now, you can look forward with hope. To benefit we have to acknowledge that we have disobeyed God and that we need Christ to die in our place to save us from experiencing the full penalty of our sin, which is eternal punishment and separation from God.

 

I appreciate all this. Maybe in time I will have faith again but not now. Ive been through a lot in my life and to go through this greatest pain its just too much.

 

Thank you, Shirley. I understand how it is to be able to think of nothing except your loss. That is normal.
Are you seeing family at all, or does that make it worse?

 

Im only around people who lives with. Some friends come over every once in a while. I havent faced anyone outside of my close circle. I feel the guilt in me and they might be too.

 

I think people who aren't close feel awkward. They don't know what to say.

 

My neighbor lost her daughter and grandson in a

Sorry I may not be much help. Today was a really bad day for me. I just wish the fireworks would end already. I don't want to celebrate anything anymore.

 

I had the breath of faith knocked out as well hun. I'm probably not much help for you.

 

Sorry to hear that. Im having a hard time as well. Im by myself while others celebrate all I can think of is my precious son.

 

I just wana end this pain. It hurts so much

 

I'm shut up in my room not exactly alone in my house. Everything feels forced now any celebrations I have a void and it just feels forced.