Lost of my one and only son

I joined today because I feel so lost and alone. I lost my 11 yr old son to a car accident a month ago in which I blame myself for what happened. I thought of every scenarios on what I should have done to avoid the accident and save my son so it has been very painful (understatement). I constantly have suicidal thoughts but I know deep inside its something I wouldnt do because of my two older daughters and my grandson. He was my best friend, my travel buddy, and who was always beside me no matter what. We were inseperable. I find it hard to live life without him but taking it day by day. I feel as though Im the only one grieving because my family seems to be ok
while im still weak, lost, angry, confused and slowly dying inside. I have no one I can talk to that has gone through a similar situtation. I cant find the strenght to do anything.

 

Hi Shirley, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. When we lose a child through a tragic circumstance I think our first thoughts are what could I have done to prevent this. Usually we come up with something that really wouldn't have changed what happened. Unfortunately death is a very hard thing to accept especially when it is our child. I can really identify with your feelings that he was my best friend and we did everything together, because that is how it was with my son and me. It is so hard when you have lost what you feel was the most important thing in your life, and after the loss we sometimes feel it was the only important thing in our life. It will take much patience for you to be able to accept this as reality and you will find yourself a changed person. Things just don't look the same after they are gone. They have filled so many roles in our life it feels like we have lost a hundred people instead of just one. Your other family members have lost someone too, but they will not understand or feel the same kind of pain you do. You are so new in your loss that it is exhausting just trying to cope with the roller coaster feelings and even having a desire to just get out of bed is a huge achievement. I understand your feeling and have felt them also. i think when a part of your heart has been ripped out, we do feel like we are dying inside. Only another parent who has experienced this can understand the depth of the almost unbearable pain and heaviness you are experiencing. May God grant you the strength and grace to get through this terrible tragedy. It is a shock to your entire being. Take good care of yourself and treat yourself with patience and kindness. I care about you. Please stay in contact with us. Chris

 

Hi Chris,

When I lost my son, I also lost faith in anything. Thank you for your encouraging words very much appreciated.

 

Having the rug pulled out from under you has immediate devastating consequences, doesn't it? There are no explanations that will make this pain you are suffering through any less. I understand the feeling you expressed that nothing else worse could happen-until you lose your child. It is pure torment, but hang in there. We are here for you.

 

Im trying hard for my other children but its just so hard to imagine life without him. My life has changed for the worst in an instant. This world has been cruel to me to say the least.

 

Yes, you have been through a very cruel, heart-wrenching tragedy. Unfortunately there is nothing that can change that-not even blaming yourself or others.
I have a friend whose name is Jen. She lost her 9 year old youngest son to a drowning accident in an iced over pond in Jan. 2019. If you would like to talk with her, she gave me her private number which she got on the 'text now' app on her phone. If you want to talk with her, and don't want her to see your actual phone number, you can add the app 'text now' to your phone and they will give you a phone number to use.
Maybe you don't feel like talking to someone on the phone and that is perfectly okay. I didn't want to talk on the phone for a very long time.
I love you and care about you. Keep in touch. Chris

 

As you mentioned, Im not comfortabld to talk to anyone yet. I cant even get myself to see a counselor. Is there a way to talk to her through chat or email? Appreciate the help. Thank you!

 

Thanks for responding. I will check with her and see what she says and let you know.
Try to get out in the sunshine and fresh air today. Let God's prescence give you some strength and desire to go on. I know how terribly hard it is just to go on.
I love you.
Chris

 

I spoke with Jen. She can communicate the best way with you through texting to her private number which is 828-360-1306. She will check it this evening.
If you feel this is not a help or have any hesitations about doing this, it is no problem. I want the best for you and only what will help you is important. If you don't see it as a help, then don't do it.
I don't want to lose contact with you either. You are important to me and to God.
Praying you find the strength and desire to make it through another day.
Love and hugs,
Chris

 

Thank you and Ill contact her when Im ready.

 

That is absolutely fine.
Have a restful, peaceful night's sleep.
Chris

 

Hope you got through your day okay. Talk to you tomorrow. The morning light is always better than the dark of night.
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Chris

 

I have worst days. Just going through the motion. There are times I feel numb and today was one of those.. Some days are harder than others.

 

Yes, some of them are harder than others, but none of them are close to normal or easy, are they? How terrible awful those first few months are. It is hard to believe this really even happened to you, isn't it. Jen told me today that feeling numb is all she feels right now. She took me to her son's plot in her family cemetery-said she hadn't been there since they buried her dear boy. I wish we lived close to you so we could give you some support. For now, this will have to do. I am here for you and I care about you. Any day it helps to share some of your feelings, do that. I will keep watching for your posts.
Hugs and love to you,
Chris

 

It just keep getting harder and harder everyday. Yesterday I was the first time I was able to enjoy the company of my friends and family since his passing I was able to laugh and have fun but today I feel so guilty and Ive just been crying pretty much the whole day. Today is beem really hard. My partner said he wanted to leave and have time for himself and that added to the pain. I feel so alone, lost, and just wanted to end it all so the pain will stop. I felt like my chest was going to explode.

 

I was able to go through his school stuff today which was really hard. Ive been asking my son to take me so we can be together again.

 

You are the first parent say the exact same thing I felt-like my chest was going to explode. It is so heart wrenching it is almost unbearable. I kept thinking God would take me. I kept thinking of Elijah and how God took him up on the chariot of fire. I kept asking for God to do that with me..I even asked my husband if he wanted to go...but it wasn't to be.
One day I went to the dentist. He had given me something to relax me at my request. He warned me it would make me sleepy and I should have someone drive me, but I didn't (I am getting to a point with this). So I started back to work thinking I could stop at my church parking lot and sleep in the car for a short while. When I got to the church, there was road work being done and I couldn't go that route. I was almost at work when I woke up and was headed straight at a tree. I swerved just in time and the rear end of my car hit the tree. I woke up to the realization that God was not going to take me, but I was going to have to somehow adjust to being here without Shawn. It seemed an impossibility, but it wasn't. I couldn't understand why I was here and Shawn wasn't. He had been my whole life and it didn't make any sense for me to be here without him. God rescued me over time and I am going on now to help others who are suffering this unbearable pain.
I love you. I know there is absolutely nothing I can say that will help any, so I say just hang on when you think you can't and God will rescue you too.
Chris

 

I so want to believe in god but its very hard. Ive lost a few important people in ny life but this one is hitting me the hardest. I think I will try to muster up to start going to counseling. You see Ive been relying on someone when my son left us but that someone is slowly drifting away and I understand as he too is grieving. I need to someone physically who can understand my pain and help me cope with it instead of telling to just stop as Im being overly dramatic.

 

I understand. I had someone like that and had no support during that time. I went for counseling too. I needed someone who did not get upset when I came to tears and who could not stand to see me cry. Strength and comfort to you.

 

Thank you for always listening and giving advice.