Lost my wife 7 days ago...

Hi to whomever is reading this.
I lost my wife suddenly 7 days ago and my whole world feels like it is falling apart. We have 3 kids. Two of them are my step children and their fathers have signed away their rights. So now they have no biological parents for them. I was planning to adopt them in 2024 but I'm just so lost and have been advised to wait because their "survivor benefits" will be affected... I didn't even know survivor benefits were a thing... My biological daughter from another marriage has been so crushed too we made sure she knew that my wife loves her and always will but she had her own mommy so she came up with a special nickname for my wife and she keeps telling me "daddy I miss my Danna. Why did she have to die?"

I was in the military and so I have been reaching out to the veterans crisis line almost once a day and unfortunately they haven't been able to find me a counselor... I'm just trying to find something

 

Hey Dylan,
I’m so sorry about the death of your wife. You and the kids are only 7 days in, that’s so recent I expect you’re having trouble just remembering to breathe. Many of us have found that just focusing on the basics; food, rest, sunlight, communication etc. can consume a lot of energy, be gentle with yourself and the kids. I truly feel for you.
I’m glad you’re here, it’s a good group of people. There are others here who lost a partner suddenly as well as some with kids still at home I’m sure they will reach out to you. My partner, Kenn died 7 months ago. His death was anticipated so I had already kinda been grieving, not that it helped with the immensity of his absence or the deep sadness that comes with grief for me. Everyone has their own experiences and they’re all ok.

A couple of thoughts
If it might help you can reach out to Karen who runs this site. She does grief counseling, you can book a conversation with her. I know the va has wait lists for everything.
Is legal guardianship in place for you with the kids for anything requiring a signature; school, medical care, benefits, etc. ?
There are lots of articles and resources, tips and advice this group can share, there’s no rush or obligation, just offerings from one to another if/when you're ready …. here’s one that I think Gary recommend https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/
And a short documentary I found helpful https://speakinggrief.org/documentary
Stick around if it feels helpful, Dylan. You can do this, it’ll take all you’ve got but you can do it. ~Bernadine

 

I'm sorry for your loss. Its so fresh so I know its devastating. I applaud you for reaching out so soon. Having the support of this group will definitely help you through. We all hear to help and all though everyone grieves differently we understand where you coming from. You have kids so at times its gone feel that you mourning double time because you're mourning for you and them. When they ask for them it just melt your heart. My heart goes out to you and the kids. Be their support allow them to talk about it when they want to but also get you some fresh air take deep breaths as often as possible. I hope you have support and help with them.. I lost my Gant 2 years ago and we have 2 children. Its just me and them and its definitely challenging. They are my motivation to move each day. I feel that if it wasn't for them I don't know where I'd be. You'll all get stronger with time. Being here so soon shows your strength. I will pray for your strength today and each day to come.

 

Dylan, oh my God, brother, your story hit
me hard. First, I want to say how deeply
sorry I am for the death of your very
young wife. May I ask her name? I find
that it helps everyone on this site, to do so,
so we can honor the soulmates of our
new members. Second, I want to honor
your military service. I hope the VA will provide you with a grief counselor very
soon. Please keep badgering them until
they do, and tell them the circumstances
of your young wife's tragic death and the
fact that you have 3 children to take care
of. What branch of the armed services were you in? I'm old enough to be your
grandfather. I had a high lottery number
in the draft, during the Vietnam war, so
I did not serve. But, every Sat am, I go to
an open house coffee at the American Legion, and sit with 2 Vietnam war
veterans, who saw combat. One was shot,
and still has nightmares. They respect me
bc I had PTSD , seeing my wife, Linda,
suddenly collapse , & soon die, in front of
me, from a pulmonary embolism. She was
68. We were married 25 years, no children.
I went to a grief counselor. She suggested
books on grieving one's spouse, and also,
Grief in Common, which I didn't join until
July, of 2021. I wish I had joined sooner.
You are a brave soldier to join GIC, only 7
days after your wife's death. I call ourselves The Grief Warriors ( TGW), bc we
will leave no. widow, or widower, behind,
on the battlefield of grief. I see that you
already heard from Bernadine, from your
neighboring state of Oregon, and that
you've received 2 "LIKES" from Rose, from
Italy, and Nicole ( "Sweetcole""), from
Georgia. I'm sure there will be many other
Grief Warriors (GW) to reach out to
welcome you. I'm the oldest of 4 "brothers"
here: Gary, from Indiana, George, from
Illinois, and Chad, from Texas. Please
join us, Dylan, as out youngest brother.
God Bless. I live on the northern coast of
Massachusetts, and the ocean feeds my
soul. Do you live near the coast? I'm going
to try to go back to sleep. Hope to "talk"
with you soon, Dylan. Lou

 

Dear Dylan it was horrifying to read the sudden loss of your wife and to know the lives of 3 children have been shattered. May fourth 2021 was like any normal day. Cheryl my girlfriend came home from work to supper. We watched gun smoke and hugged before bedtime. How could I ever imagine that I would be her first responder the next morning giving Cheryl cpr. Cheryl died 2 days later. We know the shock of loss here. I didn’t find GIC until 5 months later. Bernadine said it all that this going to be very hard work but you can do it. Please stay with us Dylan. You are never alone here. Gary

 

Gary, so happy to see you on here this am,
reaching out to our youngest brother,
Dylan. I woke up briefly at 4am,and saw
young Dylan's heartbreaking story. I
thanked him for his military service, &
asked the name of his very young wife.
I've also welcomed young Ruth, 30, who's
an old soul, a voracious reader of books
on grievimg. She. too. has to care for 3
children. Ruth had a haunting portrait of
a woman, with sad eyes.I asked her if that.
picture was of her, but she said it was
painted by her favorite artist. Hope you
can guide her with Tom Zuba's
compassionate wisdom ,and your own. Lou

 

Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your wife. Those of us in this room are very acquainted with grief, so it is a safe place to talk. God bless you.
Sherry

 

Dylan, so deeply sorry for the loss of your young wife, I know the shock and disbelief you're going through. I wish you and your children all the peace and comfort in the world.
Rose.

 

Dylan,

I'm so very sorry to hear about your wife's death. Not only are you grieving the loss of your "person," the one true love of your life, but you have three young children who are grieving too, who need you more than ever... I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. My husband, Bob died on April 11, 2021, at 3:45 a.m., but our three children are adults. They left the nest years ago. I didn't have the added responsibility of needing to care for three young children. If you have family or friends who have offered to help, accept all the help you can get. Lots of times, well meaning family and friends want to help, but don't know how. Reach out to everyone you can, let them know what you need help with the most. You could ask them to bring over meals, run errands, go grocery shopping, watch the children, etc. etc., etc.

If you haven't already, contact the social security office as soon as you possibly can. Apply for survivor benefits for the children. It might take a couple of months to kick in, but those benefits will make it easier financially, helping to stretch your paychecks. You can use their benefits to help pay for food, clothing, school supplies, and daycare.

Lou, a friend, the person who named our very close knit GIC "family," TGW (The Grief Warriors), gave us the name of a wonderful book last summer. It's called "Permission To Mourn," by Tom Zuba. Many of us have read it and have found it to be very helpful, full of excellent advice. Tom Zuba writes from experience. His 18 month old daughter died, followed by his wife's death, then one of his son's deaths. He not only managed to survive, but also to find a new purpose in life, fulfillment, happiness, and peace.

I'm not trying to sugarcoat anything!!!, it takes many years (the time frame is different for each one of us), and lots of hard work, the hardest kind of work you'll ever have to do, but it's so worth it. Although we can find happiness again, although it will be a new kind of happiness, never as good as the happiness we felt before, more like happiness laced with sadness, it's much better than just being over the top sad 24/7.

One of the best things I learned from reading this book, is that in order to find happiness again, we must do all the hard work grieving forces us to do first. We must talk about the death of our loved one, over and over, and over again, until there comes a day when we no longer need/want to tell our stories. It is only then that grief will lose it's power over us, and we'll be able to live a bittersweet life, one filled with more happy moments than sad ones. I liked the book so much, I read Tom Zuba's second book, "Becoming Radiant," told TGW about it, and have bought copies for a friend and a neighbor. Although it covers some of the material in the first book, it's still a very worthwhile read. I continue to lend my copies of both books to anyone who I meet, who I think could benefit from them.

Before saying anything else, I want you to know this is a totally judgement free zone. You can take our advice, or leave it. No matter what you decide to do, we'll be here for you. All of us "get" it, and truly want to help in any way we possibly can.

I found this site several months after Bob died. Joining GIC, becoming a member of TGW, was one of the very best decisions I made after Bob's death. The love and support you'll find here is way beyond amazing. I'm still surprised by how a group of strangers from all over the world, so different in so many ways, have been able to come together, to create an unbreakable bond, to be here for each other in a way, people who haven't experienced this kind of total heartbreak can't be. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. I hope you'll stick around, get to "know" us, and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you.

As much as we need to do all the hard work grieving forces us to do, as Gary, another GIC friend, who you've already "met," so very wisely said, "The secret to life is everything in moderation." I need to take a break from grieving, so stopping here (for now.)

I hope to "see" you again soon...

Sending you lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Deb, so glad to see you on here today,
welcoming & comforting young Dylan.
As I told him, I can understand the anguish of the death of a soulmate, but our
situations are different. His wife died at a
shockingly young age, and he had to take
care of 3 children. My wife, Linda, died
suddenly , in front of my eyes, at 68,
after 25 years of marriage, no children.
I had to see a grief counselor, bc I
couldn't get that last horrific image of
Linda out of my mind, & couldn't sleep.
I had PTSD. A few months after Linda
died, I walked into the American Legion
post, even though I had a high number
in the draft lottery, during the Vietnam
war. I sit next to a Vietnam veteran, who still has nightmares of the Viet Cong,
chasing him down Main St. in our peaceful
small town.. I told him I can't imagine
that. My nightmares are fading, after the
3 & a half years since Linda's death. I really hope Dylan will stay with us on
Grief in Common ( GIC),even if he doesn't
want to post. Thank you for giving me,
& my younger brother, Gary, credit. I
told Dylan that I hope he'll join Gary,
Geoorge, and Chad, and become our
youngest brother. I also want to say that
I honor him for his service to our country,
Lou