Lost my wife 4/16/21 I'm so tired

I have been sober since August 25,2020. My wife and I used together and eventually I couldn't take that life anymore so I left to go get better. 5 months later after several failed detoxes my wife decided to go to the same rehab I had just graduated from. We got to spend some time together. I got to make amends to her. We loved, hugged, kissed, held each other. She was so excited to get better. She wanted to so bad! She entered the program March 4th and left after Easter. I got the most devastating phone call a week later. She was gone. April 16th, 2021 my entire world flipped upside down. Imagine being here excelling in your recovery while your best friend, love of your life just lost their battle to it. The constant feeling unworthy of this life, survivors guilt, ptsd that I live with everyday. I tried therapy, medication for 8 months. Eventually the medication doctor gave up. We couldn't find anything to help my sleep, anxiety, panic attacks. The pain continues to get worse and it's really starting to interfere with my day to day life. My work life, home life, raising our daughter, my recovery is on the line although I am in contact with my sponsor daily sometimes even all day long, and my mental health. I live in a recovery house and my house mates are worried. I'm probably about to lose my job. Idk how much longer I can keep going on like this. I can't sleep I can't eat much. I'm so tired. Idk what to do.

 

I understand your struggle. I unfortunately went from being a recreational user to a habitual one with the loss of my husband to an overdose. I can tell you first hand it does not make it easier. Your recovery may seem impossible right now but don't let addiction take both of your lives.