Lost my soul mate.

I am appreciating her role in our partnership even more. The nitty gritty of life, roles that I used to take for granted because I left it up to her, I have to do for our family now. She was master of the household while I did the outdoor stuff and heavy lifting. I get lost with even small things like doing groceries. How do I even choose the right cut of meat? Imagine, at 58 years...

 

Yeh, I completely get that. It took me a while to get my head around the thing she did and I never took much to do with.

 

There is also regret for time lost. She just retired this October. I used to tell her after I retire in 2 years we would travel and see the world together. She did not even get to enjoy her retirement. It makes me angry to think about it.

 

I know it's hard, but don't be angry about it. No one can plan these things. It's someone outside of your control, I know it's hard to not think about it, they wouldn't want to to have regrets.

 

In your first post you mentioned hurting yourself. I am there now. It makes the pain of losing her more bearable. A few weeks before she passed and just after being discharged from the hospital. She sat me down for a heart to heart talk. She said I should be strong and make a life for myself when she is gone. I got angry then and told her to focus on getting well instead. She is gone and I am still angry she left so soon. The pain of missing her is a sharp physical pain. I can't breathe. Even alcohol does not help. But a sharp smack pulls me out of that pain of missing her for a few seconds. She would be sad that I cannot be strong like she asked me to be but I cannot bear it. The happy face I put up in front of others takes so much energy. When I get home I just sit in this dark bedroom and drink and hurt myself. Maybe it gets better as time passes but not yet now

 

I did, I chose a way I thought I could control my pain and anger, but that wasn't a healthy way to do it. Lossing my partner was the hardest thing I've went through, each day still hurts, but I know she wouldn't want me to be sad, hurt, she knew how much I love her, and how I will make her proud. I am living for her, doing as many of the things we talked about. I am still learning to not associate the pain I felt with the love I have for her.

 

I lost my wife just over 2 years ago. I’m not sure I would have survived the loss if it wasn’t for our son. He was 4 when she passed away. I had no choice but to keep it together for his sake. He gave me purpose and a piece of her to hold on to. I stuffed my grief down and didn’t deal with it. But grief catches up to you, one way or another. I’m finally grieving her. And it hurts like hell. Of course some days are harder..birthday, wedding anniversary. But sometimes it just comes out of no where and brings me to knees. I miss her terribly.

 

Its 2 years today since a lost her. I understand the feeling you had to keep going for others.

 

Indeed it brings you to your knees. I remember reading something about this by author Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote about the loss of her lifemate, Rayya Elias.

"Grief… happens upon you, it’s bigger than you. There is a humility that you have to step into, where you surrender to being moved through the landscape of grief by grief itself. And it has its own timeframe, it has its own itinerary with you, it has its own power over you, and it will come when it comes. And when it comes, it’s a bow-down. It’s a carve-out. And it comes when it wants to, and it carves you out — it comes in the middle of the night, comes in the middle of the day, comes in the middle of a meeting, comes in the middle of a meal. It arrives — it’s this tremendously forceful arrival and it cannot be resisted without you suffering more… The posture that you take is you hit your knees in absolute humility and you let it rock you until it is done with you. And it will be done with you, eventually. And when it is done, it will leave. But to stiffen, to resist, and to fight it is to hurt yourself."

After 3 years I still have moments of crashing to my knees, perhaps not literally but certainly having to pause and let the sadness crash down around me.

 

Hi.
My wife was my rock. She was definitely the stronger of the two of us. But I am learning daily to take baby steps to train my mind to think in terms of my inner strength. I have to believe that my life is worth something. Annie would want me to be ok and suffering in such pain. I understand your pain completely. Peace to you.

 

Hi everyone
Pain and loss rips us to shreds inside. Our hearts break and it ravages us so deeply. There are days I revisit Annie’s last breath over and over again. Her death made me fear my own mortality. It was her pain that scared me. The loss and pain controlled my life. I am trying to rebuild but it is difficult. I am open to speaking to anyone about pain and loss.

 

I’m so sorry for your loss of your wife. I lost my husband suddenly Nov 17, 2018, just before your loss. Life sure turns around in an instant and nothing feels ok any more. Sometimes I worry what if something happens to me the way it did to Ron. He was taken from me so quickly, with no warning that he had any health issues. He suffered a massive heart attack and I lost him 2 hours later. What if something happens and I need help, I’m alone. The mind just keeps thinking what if’s.
So yeah, I totally understand the pain you’re going through and how hard It is to move forward.
Robin

 

I am trying to focus on the positive memories in life. It is difficult with the covid 19 virus to not grieve. I think the pandemic, the riots and looting has compounded my grief. I feel like as prisoner in my own home. I do not go out much due to asthma. Also I care for my elderly mom who is 89. I did not expect my life to be this way. Death is very frightening. I miss my wife.

 

I have not been here for some weeks. For along while I just sat staring at the tv not really watching, just wanted the noise to distract me from thinking and feeling.
I just had to vent here today. There is no one around to talk to. It was just us most times and she is not here anymore.
Today feels more lonely than usual because it is raining outside. She loved the rain. My heart aches just thinking about her. It is sharp physical pain in the chest. It has been 5 months and nothing changed. Everything is still so fresh like it was the first few days. I wonder how I can move forward.

 

Don’t be hard on yourself. Five months is nothing in comparison to the life you shared. The situation our world is in with covid and riots sure doesn’t help.
Ron and I didn’t want people in our lives, we had each other didn’t need anyone else, so I understand where you’re coming from. It is hard.
Try to get outside, breathe in fresh are when you can, you say it’s raining and she loved the rain, maybe get your umbrella and go for a short walk. Get your blood moving.
This takes time, you had a love that didn’t happen over night. I use Ron as my inspiration to keep moving forward, he wouldn’t want me struggling and shutting down. I need to keep making him proud.
One day at a time. ❤️

 

Thank you for the kind words. It helps.

 

Wow, I can completely relate to you! I too have very few people that I can talk to. And yes, I too have to say that I loss my best friend, (which she was), but she was also the love of my life! Because of a crazy situation that she was in when we first met 30 years ago, we always had to keep everything a secret. And that made our relationship really complicated. We weren't together physically when she died (6 months ago), because we lived in different states, but we talked & texted every single day. We loved each other so much, nothing ever changed that! And now I want to scream it to the world! I'm soooo lost right now. I miss her more than anyone could ever imagine! It's not getting better with time, it's actually getting worse. And I just don't know what to do! If anyone has any suggestions, PLEASE share them with me.