Lost my sister

Discussion in 'Loss of Sibling' started by CareBear, Sep 2, 2021.

  1. CareBear

    CareBear New Member

    My story is different. I feel like I lost my sister over ten years ago due to her drug use but she actually died a few days ago. I had not spoken to her in the past 2-3 yrs. She pushed me and my family away. We found out that she committed suicide. She left no note or anything for her daughter, my parents or me. I miss the sister I had before drugs took her years ago but don’t miss the selfish, nasty person she became. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
  2. annchan

    annchan New Member

    I hear you!!!!!!!
    I miss my loving part of my sister and dont miss how she would get judgey! It sucks, doesn't it. Few understand close siblings and then the loss...So sorry you had double the loss with her...it feels like I lost a healthy sister and then 3 yrs later the sick sister finally died.... so again a double wammy but slightly different than yours....
  3. annchan

    annchan New Member

    i'm thinking of starting a live grief group in oregon it would be for 4 weeks only an hour per session and then 4 weeks off on...4 off 4...if i wasn't doing so much i'd do probably 90 min for 6 weeks..but busy busy..no way i can make that happen...starting with baby steps...... not much for grievers in my community now, besides, mr. mustache man ...(grief share)

    RAZZPUTIN New Member


    RAZZPUTIN New Member

    I'm totally new to this. I hope that I am doing this right. Dear CareBear, I can totally identify with what you have expressed. My older sister passed away about 16 months ago. However, I feel that I lost her years before that. She was schizophrenic , so she was difficult to deal with. She was constantly trying to get me beat up . I think that a part of her was stuck in the past, like when we were kids. She would make me fight other kids from other neighborhoods. She never moved on. I like to live in the moment. So it was difficult to listen to the same stories that grew more and more embellished through the years . I tried telling her just to move on, but that just made her resent me.
    It did hurt a lot when I heard that she passed away from lung cancer. Though not surprising, she chain-smoked like a truck driver. In a lot of ways I lost her several times in this life. She was like my first mother almost. She took care of me as a baby and a toddler. When she left the home at the age of 15, it was very confusing to me, I was only 5. Anyway, there were lots of times that she pulled the Houdini act through the years. I hadn't talked to her for a few years before her death. Not getting closure was ..what it was.
    Our oldest sister I lost when I was 12yrs old. We got hit by a drunk driver on July 4th , on our way to see the fireworks. My leg was pinned under the seat in the back of the car. I begged the EMTs' for 15 minutes to help my sister as they lazily stood around waiting for the jaws of life to get there. If I was a bystander , I would have climber through the driver side and started breathing for her. But I couldn't do anything. I was helpless. In the movies or on TV , the EMTs'( The GOOD GUYS) always jump into action, they do their job. They certainly don't wait around for one of their toys to arrive. That was a huge wake up at age 12. My beautiful 22 yr old sister , whom had her whole life ahead of her was brain dead because lazy stupid people failed to act. The same people that get a parade thrown for them when they die, where is their parade of shame? Where is the recourse? There is none, and as long as you walk away quietly, they wont ruin your life even more.
    My sister spent the next quarter of a century in a coma. It was like a living wake. When they shave one side of her head to put a shunt in, she starts to look a little different. Then after a couple of years , after the bed sores are just one big bed sore, The hands start curling in at the wrist. A few years later , her eyes, that used to light up the room, light up the sky, light up my life, well those same eyes just start sinking into the back of her head. After a while , I couldn't visit her anymore. It ruined me for wakes and funerals for the rest of my life. It fucked me up.
    I still can hear my family members sitting around with her husband , that was driving our car when we got hit. Talking shit about the drunk driver." Oh yeah, I'm gonna mail him some soap on a rope . He's gonna need it. That Mutha fucka".
    I would listen to this rhetoric , and think to myself ; How can they sit around like this. Life definitely seemed to go on for all of them in some way that I couldn't carry on.Deep inside I just wanted to Kill that person that took my sisters life. I always wondered how her husband could live with it. Why did he never go after him? I was 12 yrs old, and expected to step up and handle lots of things in the home, but taking on this endeavor was way out of my league at 12 yrs old.
    July 4th 1984. That was the day that I watched my sister go braindead, without a thing that I could do about it. July 4th 1984 was the day that I died inside.
  6. Sean_TDC

    Sean_TDC Member

    It's definitely possible to love/hate some one particularly when drugs are involved. In my experience with my father they transform the person into a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde scenario. And as time went on the man, I remember from childhood disappeared more and more into some shell / caricature. It's sad to watch. It's infuriating.

    Ritual helped me. The 21 gun salute my father received at his funeral helped me cry for him. The noise shook sometime loose in me and I let go of my anger and just grieved in that moment.

    Peace to you