Lost my sister to suicide

I lost my only sibling, Kristin, to suicide 5 years ago and it still hurts as bad as it did the day it happened. I am finally getting help to sort through my feelings and emotions from a therapist. I hope it continues to help.

 

Hello,
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister in July of 2018. It still hurts just as much as the day I found out. There was no service, no burial, nothing. Just cremation. No closure. People keep telling me it will get better. I cling to the pictures, the memories, the pics of her girls that their dad sends once in awhile or some other fam member. They don't live nearby. I cry a lot, journal, pray. I found a grief support group in my area that meets monthly. It's helpful, and I've met some nice people but I've only met one other person who lost a sib. Everyone in the group lost children, spouses, and parents. I feel their pain but I feel that my grief is far diff from their grief. They are very supportive tho and I really like the counselor. She's very empathetic and kind. I still feel like I should do one on one counseling.
I hope u find some peace and healing in your grief process. We all need someone to talk to. Someone who understands how this feels and what we're going through. I hope this was somewhat helpful for u. U can message me any time. You're not alone.
Joy

 

Joy,
I am saddened to hear about your loss, as I know, all to well, the rough road ahead of you. I still, after 5 years, still have to work hard every single day to learn how to live with my sister being gone and learn to live with my depression which was triggered by her death. I work with a therapist weekly which by my surprise is helping tremendously (it took me going thru 9 different ones until I found the right one, which is important). You see, the first 4 years she was gone I was a zombie, just existing in life and not living it because of the sadness. I was in a fog all the time. I never talked about it with anyone, therefore I never dealt with it, I just pushed my feelings and emotions down lower and lower inside until the 3rd & 3th years hit me. I was so low I almost lost my job and my husband and was being a terrible mom to my kids (sleeping thru their lives) when one day something inside me just said, "Jennifer, you're going to loose everything if you don't pull yourself together and do something about your depression and grief and so I did. I started calling counselors and saw them and kept becoming more and more discouraged because I couldn't find one that fit me. I was about to give up when I finally found the one I have now and she is changing my life everyday for the better which I didn't think was possible. (Quick side note about therapy, in my opinion of course, be cautious of group therapy too soon. I recommend seeing an individual counselor. I went into a group too soon, like just a few weeks after her death (it was a survivor's of suicide group) and became very discouraged as I felt like I couldn't relate to anyone either, like you because they hadn't lost a sibling. I was kinda annoyed because I felt like I was wasting my time. I was also still so angry at my sister (which I didn't know at the time until I started seeing a therapist), I couldn't really "hear" or relate to anyone else's story so I wasn't really listening. It gave me a negative outlook on therapy like it doesn't or can't or won't work for me. It took a while for me to work up the nerve to call another one.)

My sister and I were very very close, there wasn't a day that went by that we didn't see each other or speak on the phone so when I lost her to suicide I thought my life was ending. First two years I was completely numb and couldn't understand how I was going to live the rest of my life without her in it, I didn't think it would be possible. Then one day I saw this tiny little pin hole of a light at the end of the tunnel and thought to myself wow, maybe I can get through this, maybe there is a life for me, maybe even a good one. I have a long way to go but I'm moving in the right direction with the help of my fabulous thearpist and physcharist. I thought I would share some of my story with you in hopes that one day you'll realize that there is a light for you at the end of that tunnel. It will take alot of work, lots of tears and uncomfortable conversations, but your light will shine for you too if you believe it can. I wish the best for you and I'm always here to listen.

 

Hi JennifernKristin,
Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. I finally have some quiet time to sit, reflect and gather my thoughts. First of all thank you so much for your reply. What you said was obviously from the heart and I can empathize with you as well. Next week will be the 6 month mark since my sister left us. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought of her or missed her. Whenever I'm alone, either driving in my car, walking, or working out, i think of her and of all of the things, the beautiful things in nature, the animals, the sunrise, the children playing, all of the things that she's missing out on, mostly her own children. Whenever I see moms with their little ones, my heart just breaks for my nieces and the fact that they're missing out on so much of their childhood. I know that they're going to be ok, but I also feel that they are not in a sense. Every single time I think about it, I'm so sad. It's going to take me a long long time to heal and be able to feel normal again if that's even possible. It's a rollercoaster of emotions, as I'm sure you well know.
Good for you for getting counseling. I'm not there yet but I will be. I had a really great therapist before this all happened but unfortunately he moved out of state! I was so bummed. He really helped me a lot and the thought of finding someone who I click with and feel comfortable with seems daunting. Did you choose a male counselor or a female? I may check with the woman who does my group counseling and see if she takes adult clients. Her focus is mainly families and parents.
Well I've gone on long enough I suppose! I'm so glad to have connected with you. Thank you for listening and sharing your story with me. Talk to you soon.
Joy

 

Hi Griefic,
Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. I do feel so isolated and alone in my grief, aside from the support of my loving husband and close friends. I have 3 surviving siblings, one of whom lives far away and we don't communicate much, and the other 2 don't really want to talk about it. I'm sure they have their reasons, and everyone grieves differently, but it's tough to not have their support. My parents also live far away and I only speak to them on occasion. Their grief process is far different than anyone else's, and it's hard for me to bring up my sister's name at this point. My dad thinks we should all "move on" and my mom is just too shattered right now so I'm giving her some space.
I'm so glad I decided to join this group. I look forward to meeting more people who are going through the same or similar loss whom I can connect with.
Again, thank you so much for your reply.
Joy Smith

 

I lost my brother to suicide when I was 19 and he was 23. It was horrible. That was 43 years ago, and I still find myself wishing I could talk to him.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. I still can't wrap my mind around losing my sister. Sometimes it just hits me and it's painful and I feel so lost and alone, and like you, wishing I could pick up the phone and hear her voice. People say it will get better. I just can't fathom that concept at this point. I hope that you have been able to get help and support for your loss even after all these years. I believe that we'll miss them forever. Thanks for your message.

 

I don't know if it get's 'better'...but it did become more manageable at some point. I have done a lot of counseling and healing over the years. I am now at peace with his loss. His death has become part of my history with him, and though i think of him often it is rarely painful to do so. For the first few years though, I was still very much in the 'active' phase of grief for him, and it affected every aspect of my life.

The loss that brought me to this website is of a special friend that died of cancer on New Year's Eve. But when I saw the thread on sibling suicide it struck a chord with me, and I knew I needed to connect.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. This group is definitely very helpful for dealing with grief. Seems like it's a neverending process. I'm almost at the 6 month mark, so it's all still very new to me. Glad you reached out