Lost my partner of 23 years.

Discussion in 'LGBTQ Loss' started by ShariAK, Oct 29, 2017.

  1. ShariAK

    ShariAK New Member

    My partner Terry passed away 14 months ago. She passed away just one month after finding out she had Cirrhosis of the liver. She hardly ever drank alcohol and didn't have Hepatitis so it came as a bit of a shock once it was diagnosed. A biopsy was done and pathology just decided it was some kind of toxin or chemical induced
    cause. For about 6 months before discovering her liver condition she had been sent to neurologist, had MRI's on her brain and several other tests trying to figure out why she was pretty unstable physically as well as mentally. She underwent psycoanlysis and they thought she may of had Lewy Body Dimentia. It ended up being caused by her ammonia level but that wasn't discovered until her first stay in the hospital. She was some better after that but her liver was so bad she was going to need a transplant. She never made it to that. The first year since she passed had been difficult but it even seems harder to cope and lonelier now going into the 2nd year. In the year prior to Terry's death, I also lost my Dad and one of my brothers. Terry was my rock through those two deaths. She travelled with me to Portland each time and helped me through those losses. I feel I may have been selfish leaning on her and being blind to the pain and discomfort she was in before we knew how serious her illness was. I have so many feelings pushing against each other. Sometimes sad and crying, sometimes laughing, sometimes unsure of how I treated her, was I loving and caring enough. I felt the love from her so much and feel guilty when I do think about my future without her and possibly finding myself in another relationship. I am 59 years old so no spring chicken, have lost touch with old friends since Terry and I were pretty much home bodies and spent most of our time together. Things happened so quickly when she passed away that we didn't have time to really talk about her possibly dying so I don't really know if she wanted me to find someone new or not. As so many other people in my position, I don't know how I will know when to start trying to or even if I should try to build a life again with someone else. I have gone through her clothes and other things and given some of them to her family but don't know at which point I should start making changes to reflect more of my tastes around the house and not keep it a shrine to Terry. That sounds a bit selfish and insensitive I know. I just don't know what to do. I know I will always love Terry and she was always my champion. She had such confidence in me and made me feel so loved and needed.
  2. griefic

    griefic Administrator Staff Member

    Shari, I'm so sorry for your loss. Like most grievers, I think you are struggling with so many different emotions. There's the tendency we have to look back and question...was I good enough, did I love enough, did I do enough? And then the worry we have for the future...what next, and where do I go from here? The trouble with both of those is that we can't do anything about the past or the future. We can only handle today, and whatever is right in front of us. In the age of mindfulness, I think some of this advice may start to sound a bit repetitive, but it's probably one of the bigger favors a griever can do for themselves: just focus on today. It's amazing how life unravels in the way it will when we take one thing at a time. As far as making changes around the house, start out slowly. If you have specific tastes, it's okay to indulge that and to find some things to surround you that will bring you comfort. It is not a betrayal and it is not disloyal to try and continue to live with this time you have: it's what your loved ones would have wanted for you. Still, I recognize how hard all this can be and what a long journey it can feel like. So just know we're here for you...and happy to help in any way we can, any time you need it. Please take care...