I recently lost my mom. I was her caregiver for over 10 years. She had stricture problems with her throat for all that time. In the last few years, she was only able to eat soft foods and had lost down to 75 pounds. In the last month, she would only eat and drink a few bites a day. She indicated that she was tired and just wanted to go to bed. I took her to the hospital at the end of July and they indicated that she again had pneumonia due to her swallowing problems. My family pressured me to bring her home cause they didn't want her to die in the hospital. They also wanted to call in hospice. I agreed to these decisions and now feel so guilty about them. She had health scares before as she had pneumonia numerous times due to her swallowing problems, but the hospital had always treated her and she had pulled through. This time they didn't get to finish her treatment but sent home some antibiotics for her to take at home. Hospice was also called in even though I knew she never really wanted them there. Unfortunately, her mind at the end wasn't good and her communication skills were not good either. She did indicate that she wanted to know why all the people were in her home. Less than a week after hospice was called in, she was dead. I just feel so guilty about these 2 decisions. If I would have let the hospital continue treatment, she might have pulled through. I just have so many regrets and guilt over this last week. If I had made different decisions, she might still be here today. She would sleep during the day and keep me up at night. I was so tired. People say her being tired and not eating indicated that she was near the end. I know these are also symptoms of pneumonia. I feel like I gave up on her.
I am sorry for your loss. Of course, you did not give up on her. You did everything you could to help her. It was not your decisions that took you mother-it was her sickness. We can only do so much to rescue and save those we love. The rest we have to leave in God's hands. He loved your mother even more than you did. I am sure you are still so tired. Please take care of your health. When some time has gone by you will be better able to cope with life and all the heartache it sometimes brings. At that time you will want to have your health to be able to go on. Eat well, get as much rest as you can, get out and get some fresh air which has healing properties in it itself. Assure yourself that you made the best decisions you could in the cirumstances you were presented with. When we are in the middle of a crisis it is hard to think clearly, so we do the best we can at the time. Keep in touch here because we all have suffered deeply and understand. It is hard or impossible for anyone who has not suffered through what you have to understand. It is important to express your feelings as you have because I have found out no one has to have an answer because God loves us and as we try to make sense of what has happened He is the one who gives the answers. Chris
