Lost my mom after her long illness.

Vana · Mar 25, 2017

Ellen C said: ↑

Dear Vana:
My heart breaks for you. Truly. I know what it's like for something horrible to happen and then you're left with so many unanswered questions. From what you shared about your husband, I can only say this. It doesn't sound to me as if he was malicious and did something to deliberately hurt you. It sounds like he just made the wrong decision by not being totally upfront with you. He was probably afraid and thought he was doing the right thing by not telling you how bad the situation was with his health. Yes, I agree with you that honesty and communication is essential in any relationship as well as trust. Perhaps he thought that you weren't strong enough to handle the truth. No doubt he loved you and I don't think he deliberately meant to hurt you. That may not bring you comfort right now and you may never understand all his motives, but with time I hope you come to realize that was motivated his actions was love.

As for me, well, this has been a very tough week. As briefly as possible, this was my 2nd. marriage. I was very briefly married when I was 21 and divorced in 9 months. Physical abuse, which I was not about to tolerate. Remained single from 22-36 and looking back, I was happy. Only I didn't know it. I was afraid that I would grow old alone, so I made a very poor choice. I am white and Jewish and my ex-husband is Jamaican and Catholic. My parents did not want me to marry him because there were so many cultural differences. I should have listened to them. I was with him for a total of 25 years and married for 19 years, and nearly all of it was a totally sexless marriage. He used the excuse of meds he was taking. I should have left long before I did. In 2012, after spending 15 years with him and being miserable most of the time, I found numerous texts, messages and pictures on his phone. Yes, another woman. Black and 20 years younger. I had suspected something before that and even hired an investigator. Still I remained, foolishly. On XMAS Eve of 2014 I found out that he was on vacation in the Caribbean with her, when he told me he was going to visit family. And the prior 3 vacations, he was also with her. You see, at that point and long before, we did our separate lives. And then I found out that he had been having this affair for the past 10+ years, lying all the time. I called my lawyer, filed for divorce and moved into my own home in February of 2015. It was very much like a death, because at one time I did love him.

Now to the present.....He is 9 years older than I am, soon to be 73. He's still with her. Financially I was able to stop working last year. My Mom had a very large estate and left it to me. Up until March 9, 2017, he was working full time at the same job for more than 50 years!!! On March 9th. he was terminated, along with 10 other people who were 55+. He was devastated. And physically he is not well and after having 5 stents put in him several years ago, his cardiologist wants him to have triple bypass surgery. Very risky considering he's diabetic and has other issues. When he was fired, he asked me to help him with his paperwork....Unemployment Insurance, COBRA, etc. He's not very computer literate or bright for that matter. So he came to my home and I spent more than 3 hours helping him. Got everything setup for him and even said I would file his claim for him. We discussed the possibility of his surgery and after going over all the risks, which there were many, he left my house deciding not to take the risk. He had an appointment with his doctor yesterday and I asked him to call me afterwards to let me know what happened. When I didn't hear from him, I called him. I obviously got him in his car on his bluetooth. He told me in a very nasty way that he's having the surgery on Thursday and that's it! He wanted it taken care of and that's what his girlfriend thought was best. And he then told me, in a very nasty way and cursing, that I should butt out, it's not my business and that's what he's doing. All the while, yelling, cursing and telling me to F..K off. Obviously his girlfriend was in the car with him.

So that's the kick in the head that I get after helping him as much as I did. He lied once again just to use me and I allowed it. He's having his surgery on Thursday and whatever happens will happen. I believe in Karma. And stupidly, he never changed his will, so if God forbid he doesn't make it, I get everything. Divorce does not negate provisions of his will....at least not in NY. I don't wish him any harm, but he deliberately and willfully hurt me.

All of this happened yesterday, which is why I'm typing this at this absurd hour.

So you see Vana, even though my ex-husband is still alive, I do understand your pain totally.

We both have no choice but to forgive, heal and move on with our lives and makes the most of it. Certainly easier said than done.

I hope today is a better day for both of us and please do write back either here or to my personal email....goldsoul9@yahoo.com

I will always listen and be supportive.

Take care and hope to hear from you.

Ellen
Click to expand...

Ellen,
Thank you for sharing all that.
My computer is in storage and I'm using a tablet. Never sent email on it yet. I will type something today... just let me know if it goes through so I don't waist my time for nothing.
Vana

Vana · Mar 26, 2017

Ellen C said: ↑

Hi Vana,
Let me know the email address it's coming from and I'll look out for it.
Thanks
Ellen
Click to expand...

Hi Ellen,
I didn't send anything yet, but the email will be zvana22@gmail.com
My husband was 10 years older than me. He had triple bypass, 3 stents and a valve replacement. Of course my husband and his doctor up north didn't want me to know the extent of what was done, but the doctor down here did. He told me he had no heart left.
Talk soon, Vana

Vana · Mar 26, 2017

Ellen C said: ↑

Hi Vana,
I'll look for your email whenever you have a chance. No worries. Thanks for sharing that info. Our situations are very much alike, however your husband loved you. My ex-husband admittedly never did and just used me. And I'm still nervous about his upcoming surgery.
I feel like a fool and it still hurts like hell.
Talk soon.
Ellen
Click to expand...

Ellen,
I should not be here today for many reasons. I believe it was my faith that kept me here.. for what reason.. I don't know.
I thought about writing a book a few times, but I would need a ghost writer. Then again, I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested or if I should just leave things alone.
Your the first person that was ever interested in what I had to say and I thank you for that.
Talk soon, Vana

Vana · Mar 27, 2017

Ellen C said: ↑

Vana,
Of course I'm interested in what you have to say! I learned a long time ago that you should do your best to be kind to people because you don't know the struggles they are dealing with. Everyone has had to walk through hell at one time or another.

It's funny you say that about writing a book, because I actually am. I have a contract with Penguin/Random House and I've actually completed 3 chapters so far!!! It really is therapeutic and believe it or not, I've led an extraordinary life so far. I think I'm going to title it "Through It." Seems appropriate.

Please feel free to share whatever you feel comfortable sharing.I know what it's like to be in pain and also to be alone. We all just want to be heard and understood. I totally get that.

Seriously, please consider me a friend.

Take care and talk soon.

Ellen
Click to expand...

Hi Ellen,
Best of luck with your book, I know it will be good!
Ellen, I know your a busy person and I don't want to overwhelm you with my email.

Vana · Mar 27, 2017

Vana said: ↑

Hi Ellen,
Best of luck with your book, I know it will be good!

Ellen, I know your a busy person and I don't want to overwhelm you with my email.
Click to expand...

I hit the reply by mistake. I'm going through something, and I'm suffering. I will email you. Maybe you can give me some advice.
Vana

Vana · Mar 28, 2017

Ellen C said: ↑

Dear Vana,
Yes, please email me and do not worry about overwhelming me or being a burden. That's silly. I have broad and sturdy shoulders and I can do six things at once.
I was looking for your email and expected it by now.
It will make you feel better to write how you are feeling and I'm sure I can help.
I will look for it!

Ellen
Click to expand...

Ellen,
Just to let you know I was having trouble sending email with my gmail account, so I used my aol. You can read it when you have a chance. It was hard to type stuff like that. Sorry if it's a bit confusing.
Take care, Vana

Clint · Mar 28, 2017

Ellen I'm here clint.....I need to talk

Owen Meehan · Jun 6, 2017

Clint said: ↑

Just need someone to talk to. I have no family. Please contact me.
Click to expand...

Hi Clint

I just lost my mom on April 25th. She was my everything and my best friend. She had a stroke and I took care of her for nine years since I was 16 until she died from a second stroke. I still have my dad but I feel really lonely and could also use someone to talk to who understands how I'm feeling. I hope you're doing ok. Maybe we could support each other. I'm always here if you want to talk.

Owen

Clint · Jun 7, 2017

Hello Owen..first of all let me say you will get through this. My mom died last August after along illness. I was her caretaker for 16 years. Never left her side. I don't know your religious beliefs, but the Lord is getting me through this, as I have no family. My Dad died in 2004. What I have learned these past months is to try and move forward a little everyday. I know how hard that is but you have to try. I will help you anyway I can. Please let me know how your feeling. Looking forward to your response. ... Clint.

Kenne · Jun 7, 2017

I lost my Momma as well and I keep finding myself crying and thinking of her and then I still can't get over her being gone I know how you feel

Walter russell · Oct 12, 2017

Vana said: ↑

I also lost my mother after a 12 year illness and family members a few years ago and it is so very hard to deal with.
Click to expand...

I lost my mom Friday after a long illness I feel like I'm dying

Vana · Oct 13, 2017

Hi Walter,
I'm very sorry for your loss...
I know how you feel, I live with it every day. Any time you feel like talking, let me know. Take care

griefic · Oct 13, 2017

Walter, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I don't have to tell you that the loss of a parent is a very significant one, though I think it is often misunderstood by people that haven't experienced it. I'm glad that you've come here for support and know that you will find a very caring community of people who care. If you have any questions about the site or if we can be a help in any way, please let us know. For now, take care, and just know that we're here~

Lost my mom after her long illness.

Vana Member

Vana Member

Vana Member

Vana Member

Vana Member

Vana Member

Clint Member

Owen Meehan New Member

Clint Member

Kenne Member

Walter russell New Member

Vana Member

griefic Administrator Staff Member