Lost my mom 9 years ago and dad has started dating again

Discussion in 'Loss of a Parent' started by chescaaa, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. chescaaa

    chescaaa New Member

    Hi all, I lost my mom when I was 9. I'm having a hard time accepting her death, Having an absent father after my mom's passing certainly had an impact on me. He was there physically, but emotionally it was non-existent. Maybe he was grieving and everything was too much. He stayed with my mom while she was sick and losing her battle with cancer, no doubt about that. So me being a kid back then, I didn't understand much of what was going on. All I know is my mom will be gone soon and I cried every day. Since they were always in the hospital, no one was there for me to support me and explain what was happening. It was traumatizing to see my mom turn into a different person as she kept pushing me away because she didn't want me to see her dying. I think this is one of the reasons why I have abandonment issues, though I understand why she did that, it was hard for me to process these events.

    After her passing, I knew everything had changed. My dad and I were somehow close back when mom was alive. But after her death, he has changed and it's just hard to like him anymore. He was busy chasing women, hoping to find a new companion while neglecting his kids. He was always rejected though, despite pouring his time and effort into these girls. My dad would lash out his frustrations and anger at me. (I was still a kid back then). Things just became awkward and there's always a void inside me that keeps growing. I can't help but feel like he doesn't care about me anymore. There was also financial neglect because he would rather spend his money on girls rather than on us. He was never there for me and I doubt he'll ever will. He was never there to guide me. We barely talk. Growing up, I thought something was wrong with me. That it's my fault and I should be over it.

    So my dad has started dating again and I think things are going well between him and that girl. This may sound selfish and me being an asshole, but I don't want him to remarry. I don't know the reason why am I so full of rage and bitterness instead of being happy for him. Maybe it's because every time I see him making time for that girl, I can't help but remember how I was neglected. That he would rather prioritize dating over his daughters. I also have a younger sister that is, unfortunately, being neglected by him too. It's like these painful experiences are coming back again to haunt me despite how many years have passed. It just hurts too much.

    (posting this here because my friends, although I know they want me to feel better, won't really get what I'm going through)