Lost my husband to Covid

Hi Helena, sorry I didn’t post back sooner , I’ve got a bad case
stomach virus since Tuesday.am glad to see Deb,Bernadine’s
posts to you. Have you found group? I hope you did.
Information Deb gave you on books , many in the
group have read, and find them very helpful.
I have viewed Tom Zuba videos on You Tube.
I’m keeping you in my prayers, please take care of
yourself, sending you big hug, love, prayers.
Blessings, Patti

 

Hi Bernardine, thanks for the advise, I think I got it and now I also will talk to his ashes, his memories is every where with me, I miss his sense of humor and so many things. Lots of love to all of you.

 

Hi Patti. Sorry to hear you had stomach problem, please take care of yourself! and also thanks for keepping me on your thoughs.
I have also whatched Tom Zuba on an interview regarding his book. I'll try to get a copy, seems to be good.
All my love and hugs and again take care of yourself, you still here.

 

Hi Helena, not feeling any better, will be off GIC for a bit.
Been coughing ,sneezing , etc. ,maybe it’s more than a
stomach virus.
It took me awhile to learn the site, I’m still learning
it, hope you were able to find group for loss of
spouse. Will be back with you when I’m back on line.
Please take care of yourself, sending hug, love,
prayers for us all. Blessings, Patti

 

Deb, today its Sunday 13th 3rd sunday since my Geoff left me all alone and just now I read properly your thread, I'm glad that I found this group and you in SC? I can't believe that you are describing Bob's illness, in some way similar to my Geoff's long illness. I really can relate to you.
I do appreciate inmensely the understanding and support of each other in our new journey.
Love, hugs and peace to all.

 

Helena,

My heart is truly breaking for you... Geoff's death is still so very recent... Geoff hasn't even been gone a month. I remember way too vividly those first weeks..., the unbelievable pain... knowing in my heart that Bob was NEVER!!! coming home again, but in my heart, it seemed so surreal..., like this couldn't have happened, a nightmare that once awake, Bob would still be in bed, next to me, where he belongs. It SUCKS!!! (This seems to be my new favorite way of describing this total misery that all of us have been forced to endure. I think it's grown way past stale, like so many of the other things I can't stop repeating, but it seems to say it all, short and to the point, so I'm thinking that, it SUCKS!!!, has now become a part of my permanent vocabulary. I'm also a pro at run on sentences, lol... Once I start "talking," I can't seem to stop. There are many days when I know I could outlast that Energizer Bunny... However, a GIC friend, George, has forgiven all of us for all grammatical errors, so my run on sentences are here to stay.) If there is a bright side to all of this total heartbreak, I think my head, on most days, is catching up with my heart.

I understand how hard it is being a full time caregiver, especially during COVID. I stopped taking care of myself both physically and emotionally. All that mattered to me, was taking care of Bob the very best I possibly could. The isolation of being a full time caregiver during COVID, SUCKED!!!... impossible for me to put into words how miserable it was, but I know you "get" it, without me having to attempt to describe all those feelings. Not only did the isolation SUCK!!!, but also the restrictions making it impossible for me to go inside the hospital with Bob for many of his scans, infusions, appointments, blood work, etc.... The very worst of all the restrictions, not being allowed to visit him while he was an inpatient in the hospital, and near the end of his life, during one of his stays in an acute rehab facility. I never felt so helpless..., so alone... All of this just SUCKED!!!, BIG TIME!!!, TU!!! (total understatement, another thing I can't seem to stop saying).

Please be very gentle with yourself. Do whatever you need to get through the seemingly endless days/nights... Take care of yourself the very best you can. Try to eat as healthy as you possibly can, drink lots of water, etc., and get as much rest as possible. If you're able to, try to get some exercise in as many days as you can during the week. I find that taking long walks, being outside in nature, some fresh air and sunshine, is one of the best ways I know to keep moving forward...

Sleep can be really difficult. As soon as Bob died, sleep became history. I couldn't stand being in our bed, Bob's side empty, so cold... It was so wrong!!! I had constant nightmares. The last 24 hours of Bob's life were the absolute worst!!!, TU!!! He suffered greatly, the medical care he got SUCKED!!! The most horrible and painful memories imaginable, kept popping in and out of my mind... I had no way to stop them from invading my brain. All I wanted was to be able to find some sort of an"off switch." Instead, I "heard" Bob's voice begging me to get him transported to the hospital where all his specialists were, the only hospital in the state equipped to handle all of his complex medical needs... I felt so out of control..., so helpless... unable, no matter how hard I tried, to get the ER physician (if you can call him a doctor, I'm being over the top polite), to have him transported to the hospital where he would have been made as comfortable as possible, treated with dignity... Where he would have been given the quality care, that every human being deserves, especially at the end of their lives. I "saw" him dead... wrapped in white..., a tube still down his throat, in the same room he had been wheeled into, less than 24 hours ago... I would wake up terrified, crying... unable to stop... unable to sleep.

I don't remember when I finally began to get some quality sleep. I know it didn't happen overnight, but happened over the course of many months. However, even now, every once and awhile, I'll still wake up, unable to stop those horrific memories from invading my brain. It SUCKS!!!, but and this is a really BIG BUT!!!, because it happens much less frequently, I'm not spending entire days unable to function from total exhaustion.

Backing way up, when it comes to sleep, I think a combination of melatonin and exercise helped me the most. Some of my GIC friends use meditation/and or sound machines with calming sounds of ocean waves, etc., etc., etc. to help them sleep, and/or prescription medications. Sometimes just getting out of bed, keeping the lights low, going into another room and finding something mindless to read, can help. Sleep is so necessary, yet such an overlooked thing, something I will NEVER!!! take for granted again!!!, TU!!!

I make daily schedules. On the days when grief hits me hard, the only items on my list might be getting up, getting dressed, making my bed, and eating breakfast. On days when I'm feeling a bit better, I'll add taking a walk, running errands, calling a friend, etc., etc., etc. to my list. Rest as much as you can, realize that grieving is totally exhausting, both mentally and physically. Try to take things day by day. Try not to feel guilty if you have days where getting out of bed is just about all you can handle, or days when you need to stay in bed, pulling the covers up over your head, attempting to escape from the world. Even on the days you're feeling the worst, try to keep in mind that you are healing... You are grieving... You are doing all the hard work necessary to move forward... to keep on healing...

I'm very glad I "met" you too. I look forward to us getting to know each other better. I'm very grateful for your support, as well as the support of all my GIC friends. Together, we CAN & WILL not only survive the very darkest hours of our lives, but, and this is another one of those really BIG BUTS!!!, learn and grow from this total heartbreak, as we continue on our lifelong mission to heal.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Patti,

It's always so good to hear from you, but hope by now, you're feeling much better!!!, the virus, or whatever it is, will soon be history!!! Please continue to take care of yourself the very best you can. As always, you and all of TGW, are included in my daily prayers.

Sending you and JayCee lots of hugs and love, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Helena,

One of the things that Tom Zuba believes is that our loved ones are always with us, always watching over us. I believe this too. Geoff and Bob will always be with us, just as everyone else's one true love of their lives, will always be with them. Tom Zuba says if we are willing to be open to them, we will receive signs from our loved ones, letting us know that they are still here, with us. Many of my GIC friends believe this too, and have received signs, just as I have. Geoff will always hold the very biggest place in your heart, just as Bob will always hold the biggest place in mine. Geoff and Bob have helped make us the people who we are today, they are a big part of us, a part of us that is impossible to take away. I find this comforting and so over the top sad..., so bittersweet. Unfortunately for all of us, life from now on, will always be bittersweet.

Like Tom Zuba, I don't believe we're still on this earth just to be miserable. Life is a gift. I believe that the best way we can honor our husbands is by doing our best to live the rest of our lives the best as we possibly can, until it's our time to be reunited with them. I know this would make Geoff and Bob so very proud of us, so very happy.

True love is eternal.

As always, sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

I'm back, these few days a couldn't stop crying, everywhere I look, all the memories. I'm trying to sort lots of paperwork and bills, I got so frustrated, why Geoff you are not here? I don't know how to start, it's a rollercoaster of emotions, I cry, get ungry, frustrated, talking to his ashes. I don't want to get up.
Thanks Deb, again seems like you are describing my experieces with Geoff illness as you went thru with Bob's illness. I'm fighting with my feelings, perhaps as time passes, I will have some strengh to clear my mind. The middle of October my sister and her husband will come to see me, that will help.
For now a big hug.

 

Helena,

I wish I could give you the biggest hug... It all SUCKS!!!, TU!!! I don't remember if I already said this to you ( I HATE!!! this foggy widow brain!!!), you are doing all the hard work that grieving forces us to do. When I first started posting, I referred to this as an endless roller coaster ride of emotions, with way too many downs and not enough ups. Every single memory good or bad, caused those floodgates to open..., with no way to stop them. I often wished, and still wish, I could find an "off switch" for my brain, for all of our "brains." Having just said this, we need to let ourselves feel each and every emotion, cry as long and as hard as we need to, in order to be able to move forward. There is no escaping grief, no matter how hard we might try. We must go through it, through all the pain..., through all the sadness..., in order to keep healing. Tom Zuba says, I think it's in his second book, that he doesn't believe we can ever fully heal. However he said that he can live with this. I can live with this too. There is NO!!! way to fully heal from Geoff's death, from Bob's death. It's IMPOSSIBLE!!! Sadly, from now on, life will always be so bittersweet, happy mixed with sad... (to quote Robin, a GIC friend). So much more I want to say about this, but I need a shower and something for dinner, so stopping here (for now.)

Just one last thing, please be very gentle with yourself!!! I found it helpful to make lists of the things that had to be done immediately, and those that can wait. For instance, I tossed the unpaid medical bills that were incorrectly processed, or not processed at all, into plastic shoe boxes, but made sure to pay the monthly bills on time, and cancel all of the credit cards in Bob's name, etc, etc., etc. While I had always paid the monthly bills, Bob handled our finances when it came to retirement and I was clueless. I was very fortunate because two of our very close, long time friends, helped me. It's a long story, but I really need that shower and something to eat, so this will have to be one of those TBC's (to be continued)... Bottom line, it took me many months, but now, I feel much more confident in my ability to handle my financial matters. To repeat something else that Robin has said many times to all of us, "we are stronger than we think we are." You WILL!!! get through this... It SUCKS!!!, TU!!!

Sending lots of extra hugs and love your way, wishing you peace, all of us peace. DEB

 

Hi
I too lost my husband to covid. He had a year of illnesses in and out of hospital. I calculated he spent 18 weeks in hospital over one yr. The hospital found his immune system was attacking his organs instead of a tiny cancer in his lungs. He had the cancer op completely successfully - no need for chemo or any other treatment. The doctor was expecting him to recover and the immune problems to disappear. Then he caught covid and died. It just seemed so unfair that he had gone through so much illness and the answer had been found. We actually celebrated the success of the operation just a few days before he started feeling ill. I was numb for the first couple of months but I would cry seeing his empty chair. Now a year later it still feels raw and I suspect many think I am getting over his death but I'm not. I've tried finding groups to join and things to do but today I started crying in my french class - it was so embarrassing. Having moved to France to be with him I'm a long way from family. Its just so lonely and I really don't see any point in my life. Its not suicidal - just a complete loss of direction and purpose. All I can say is keep putting one foot in front of the other. My consolation is that my husband was terrified of a long lingering death because he had nursed his first wife through cancer. He always said he wanted to be working up until the day he died. He worked even in hospital until 20 minutes before he was put into a coma and he died about a week later so he got his wish. His death was fairly quick. The pain is mine missing him - not his, facing a lingering death.
Christopher Walken the actor has a piece of writing on the internet about grief which is very moving and very helpful in understanding the outcome of the process - try googling it and see if it helps.

 

Hi Jaque, my name is Helena and I totally understand how you feel, this grieving is so so paintful!!, only people that have experieced the loss of a loved one understands our grieving and also to be so lonely,...I think I know how you feel, specially if you are away in a different country, but try to take care of yourself because you still here, that's what I say to myself, 'be strong' this is one of the worst saddest journeys that one can take, but we are heeling, no matter how long it takes try to think the beautiful moments you had with your partner. My thoughts are with you, take care!

 

Thank you Helena for your kind words.
One thing we did after my husband’s death was name a star after him so I can use an app that shows me where his star is in the night sky. My husband was always interested in space and the universe. He often wondered if there was life on other planets. It gives me some comfort to look up at the night sky and to imagine his soul up there exploring the stars. Someone sent me a quote “ Grief is love with nowhere to go” that seems so true. We were not together as much as some people on here. We were both married before. He was a widower and I was divorced. Just 10 years together - so I was expecting for us both to get into our 80s. I feel cheated by life to lose him so soon especially from Covid with so many people yelling for their freedom to not wear a mask - one of those people infected him when his health was low but he was on the road to recovery!

 

Jacque, my heart goes to you! I'm so sorry for your loss...what can I say...? we live in a different world now, some of the people don't have respect for the others, I can see why your partner had an interest for space and you named a star after him, what a beautiful way to look at the sky and see your beloved.
I'm glad receiving your reply. Even if you have had only 10 years together, just try to think all the good times, memories are so important for our heeling even if it takes a little longer we have to take care of ourselves!!.
At the end of January my spouse died after 50 years of marriage, no children. He left me all alone, for the last two years of his life I was his caretaker 24/7, so I supposed I had an anticipatory grieving, but the reality is that he is not physically here and sometimes I also feel cheated by life, we spent isolated two years without going out because of covid as Geoff's imnune system was weak.
I'll probably borrow your idea of using an app to also name my beloved spouse as star, he always mentioned we came from the starts and we will finished some were in the universe...?
Sending you many virtual hugs and peace. Take care of yourself!!!

 

Jacque,

I'm so very sorry your husband passed away. I ALWAYS!!! hate!!! saying this because words seem so shallow, so inadequate at times, now being one of them. I hope you know how truly sorry I am. My husband, Bob passed away April 11, 202 at 3:45 a.m. He was sick for many years, his specialists all treating his many serious health issues, as chronic conditions, controlled by medication. In spite of all of this, the side effects from the drugs were minimal, and we were able to live a good life until we moved, in the beginning of 2018. Bob's health spiraled downhill rapidly, leaving me to scramble to find new providers who could handle his many complicated health issues. It was during this time that I became his full time caregiver. I was his full time caregiver right up until the moment he died. So many things I want to say to you..., but for now, just want you to know I "get" it. Losing the one true love of our lives, SUCKS!!!

Backing up a bit, unlike Bob, I'm glad your husband didn't have to go through a prolonged period of suffering prior to his death. I know it doesn't make the total heartbreak any easier for you, and although I wasn't in your shoes, I'm glad your husband got his wish, that he didn't have to suffer a lingering death. Watching Bob slowly morph into only a shell of the man who he once was... It was one of the very hardest, most painful things I've had to endure. I need a tissue...

I love!!! that you named a star after your husband, such a beautiful and creative way to honor his memory. I believe that your husband, that all of the one true loves of our lives, are watching over us, and will be watching over us right up until the time we are reunited with them. It brings me some comfort, but at the same time, it SUCKS!!! As Robin, a GIC friend says to all of us, life is now a mix of happy and sad..., laughter mixed with tears... It is so over the top bittersweet!!! It SUCKS!!!

Lots more I want to say, but I've been MIA for awhile, and I want to read a few more messages before I begin my daily to do list. I'm so sorry you had to find us, but so glad you did. This is a wonderful site, made up of so many good people, who are always here for each other, who totally "get" it, in ways that people who haven't experienced total heartbreak the way we have, can't. We are here to "listen," to offer advice too, but you can take it or leave it. This is a judgement free zone. We'll be here for you no matter what you decide to do. I've made many friends since joining GIC at the end of last spring/early summer (?). My GIC friends have helped me so much..., we've become so close, as unbelievable as this might sound, because we've never met. I hope you will stick around, get to "know" us and give us the opportunity to get to "know" you too.

Sending you hugs, wishing you peace, all of us peace, DEB

 

Hi again
It’s so helpful to exchange messages. Friends and family are usually unaware of how raw it all is even one year later. I have one sister in law I chat with weekly who was widowed over 30 years ago. She is a great support. I just feel adrift. I’m not suicidal or anything I just feel there is no point to carrying on. Today I went for a hike in the mountains with a new friend and it looked like the weather might close in. I found myself thinking “if we get trapped here overnight in sub zero temperatures and I die of hypothermia it may not be so bad”. I just can’t bear the thought of spending the rest of my life alone!

 

Hi there
I totally agree with you!, friends and family don't know how our grieving it's all about! and I'm glad to hear that your sister in law is very supportive.
We seem to be approximately the same age and I can relate to your feelings 'what it's the point'? the days are long and the evenings even longer without our partners, but we have to think we still here, we cry for some good memories, that it's the continuation of our love for them and we are heeling!! no matter how long it takes,....and when our time comes, we might find them in some other galaxy....?
A few years ago, we moved from Hawaii to the South of US, I miss my friends but it is too far to move back there. I live in the country, Spring is here, I can see cardinals and robins, the trees begin to flower so feels better for the body and mind than the long cold Winter.
I need to find some distraction besides reading or listening to music, many times don't have concentration to do anything. I'm glad you found this site, the grieving warriors are very supportive withough judgement.
Just a thought, if you would like to practice your french you can correspond in french, I do understand a little, so we can make our brains work a little harder.
You can reach to me or any of TGW they all are very supportive.
Sending you many virtual hugs and peace.
Helena