Lost my boyfriend 3 weeks ago.

Hello to whom ever is reading this.
My name is Aubrey, I recently lost my boyfriend 3 weeks ago his cause of death is still to be determined. I’m having a very hard time and especially with the holidays and everything being so new. I have family and friends who support and love me but I feel like no one understands. I do go to counseling and therapy. However, I would love to talk with someone going through what I’m going through.

 

I lost my husband to covid Dec 18th.

Also his daughter and brother died.

Painful doesn't describe it. I'm new to this too and don't have advice... But I can relate.

 

Aubrey, so very sorry about the death of
your boyfriend, at such a young age, right
before Christmas. Was his name Guenther?
It's a very good idea that you are going to
a grief counselor. It's true that your family
& friends don't "get it". On Grief in Common, we DO "get it". I'm a lot older
than you. My wife, Linda, died suddenly,
right in front of me. She was 68, and I
thought we'd grow old together. We were
married 25 years, no children. I've met
widower brothers on GIC: Gary,George,
Chad,and others, and we comfort each
other. There are about 7 or 8 kind widows
on here, as well, Hope you will stay with
us, Aubrey. Lou

 

Hi Aubrey,
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. I know what you mean about the holiday and the newness of things.
My name is Bernadine it’s my first without my partner, Kenn.
Glad you found this group, those of us who share the same loss that you are experiencing, all in our own ways of course but we get it. Even the most compassionate of friends can’t always identify unless they have been through it themselves.
You said that his cause of death is undetermined; wow, that would be hard for me. How isit for you?
~Bernadine

 

Welcome to Grief in Common, Angelique.
I am so very sorry to hear about your
husband's death, and, his daughter &
brother, from this horrible pandemic.
It makes it so much harder, right before Christmas. I'm the oldest of
"brother " widowers here, especially
Gary, who also welcomed you, George, and
Chad. There are also about 7 or 8 kind
widows on GIC. My wife, Linda , died
suddenly, in front of me, right before
Thanksgiving, 3 years ago. I still have
weekly phone grief therapy, bc I have ups
& downs. GIC has been a blessing. May I
ask your husband's name, Angelique? I
hope you stay with us. We can help you.
Lou

 

Hi, Angelique
Good to see you checking in here tonight.
How was your day? I know that can seem like a silly question, my friend and I came up with ‘fine enough’ as a reply because she knows I’m not really fine but wants to check on me. ~Bernadine

 

Thank you, Lou.

My husband's name was Brandon

 

I like that response!

Today... Today my brain was OK,maybe my mind needed a day off, but my body knew. Sat in my husband's chair and my entire body just shook uncontrollably.
I'm trying to get used to my bedroom without him so I can start sleeping in there again.

How was your day?

 

Fine enough
We moved Kenn’s recliner into the bedroom last summer as I needed to stay closer to him. The last couple of weeks before he died I pretty much lived in it. It’s too big for the room but I haven’t moved it out, it’s His chair. I sit there before bed every night to settle in. And when I’m having a rough time it feels like a safe space to just be all emotional. The chair has seen a lot of tears.
The cat loves it too so we sit,
and rock,
and retreat from the world …..
for as long as it takes.

 

I had to clean up around the chair, everything was as he left it, popcorn bowl still beside it etc. It was more tolerable then. I've been afraid of it and our bedroom-that it would be too painful.
It is where I sit to talk to him each day.

I'm glad you find comfort in Kenn's chair.
Glad you are fine enough.

 

I sm so sorry for the loss of your husband, his daughter and brother. I can’t even imagine. I lost my husband suddenly 3 years ago to a heart attack that took him in 2 hours. That evening he was relaxing in his recliner. I left everything as he left it for a very long time, it felt wrong to move the last things he touched. I still haven’t sat in his chair. I just can’t. Sleeping in our bed. Took me some time, I totally understand your feelings on that. I initially thought I’d sleep on his side but I couldn’t bring myself to even try. Sleep comes hard still but my first few nights of trying to rest in our bed I propped myself up and then hugged his pillow. Yes I cried a river but it did help. I decided I won’t know how I’ll be if I don’t try. And now it kind of feels like it brings me comfort to a degree. Hard to explain. I miss him terribly but this is where he slept so....
This site is full of people who understand what you’re through, family and friends try but in reality they haven’t been through it so they can’t relate. We’re all here to offer support and receive support. Visit the site often and read and share stories and thoughts. Try to get fresh air each day and accept any help offered. I didn’t and regret that I didn’t. The offers tend to stop sadly. Even someone sitting with you to have a cup of coffee. It feels comforting just to have someone there. Make lists of things you might need to do, so your mind doesn’t keep trying to remember everything. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you. Take care of you. Sending you hugs! You’re in my prayers. ❤️ Robin.

 

Bernadine,
If you don’t mind that’s going to be my new answer. “fine enough” I love it! Perfect. I usually would say, “I’m managing”.
I love that Kenn’s chair has become your safe place. I hoped to feel that with Rons recliner. But it feels more like a memorial for him. I keep trying. I have pillows sitting on his chair to keep on little dachshund off which feels mean but I just can’t. We’re all different I. How we grieve and mourn, that’s so true. I find our home my safe place but it’s not the happy place it always was. Take car, Robin.

 

Angelique, thank you so much for saying
Brandon's name. I just woke up at my
usual 6am, and was amazed to see your
support from Bernadine, from Oregon,
and from Robin ( RLC) from Long Island.
NY. I know that brother Gary has already
welcomed you to GIC. I noticed you live in
Connecticut. My wife, Linda, & I had many
weekend getaways in New England, incl.
Mystic Seaport in Ct, and the Indian
casinos at Foxwoods & Mohegan Sun. Do
you live near the ocean? I live on Cape
Ann, in Massachusetts, where Linda grew
up. Lou

 

I don’t mind at all, it’s been so helpful. Fine enough, yep, it works. She will text FE? And I reply FE. Sometimes that’s all it takes to get through a day.
When Kenn needed to be away I would make a person-sized mound of pillows on his side of the bed, it created a more ‘cocooned’ sort of space. ~B

 

I have Ron’s side of the bed set up like that now. The bed doesn’t feel so empty. I like your description of cocooned.
I’m happy you have such a good friend. Just someone checking in on you has such a comforting feeling. Robin

 

Brandon worked at Mohegan as a dealer for 20 years. We don't live near the ocean though, North East corner of the state. We had a family tradition of getting a hotel at Mystic every Christmas and hanging out all weekend for the holiday.

 

Robin... You hit the nail on the head for so many things! I relate to so many things you spoke of!

Thank you for sharing your story...

 

Wow, Angelique, we never knew anyone
who was a dealer. That's quite impressive.
We didn't sit at the blackjack table. We
played only the slots, and broke even. We
had to force ourselves to walk away, and
go to the restaurants. We spent more time
at Foxwoods. It was magical to drive up to the "Castle". Since we didn't have kids, we
acted like kids, and went to amusement
parks, the biggest being Disneyland. Lou

 

Sounds like a wonderful memory.

 

Mystic is certainly beautiful during the holidays, Ron and I took our kids there many years during the holiday season for a weekend. Mystic Village holds a lot of memories. I don’t blame you for spending a weekend there during Christmas. We took the ferry there a couple times a year. I can’t bring myself to go back though.